From one to ten, how would you rate my looks? I’ve been asked this by so many friends of mine and even asked it myself. Subconsciously wanting to rate my looks on a scale made by society’s world of what “beautiful” is. I haven’t always struggled with my self image as much as I do now. I used to be pretty alright with how I look and I used to not care about how I look at myself. But, that didn’t last very long.
One day at school, I saw a few boys talking. Usually I would ignore them and go play by myself, but I knew these guys, they were my friends! I wanted to talk to them. When I walked over, they were talking about some of the girls in our class, who they thought were the prettiest. I didn’t really understand why but I wanted to know how they thought about me, as a girl.
They said “But yea, you aren’t like a girl girl. You wear shorts and pants! You’re basically one of us. You aren’t really on the pretty scale.”
For some reason it made me happy but also why? I felt a flash of annoyance and inferiority. I stopped talking to them after and I started to look at myself more. I wore a lot of black, I wore a lot of T-shirts, I wore a lot of things unbecoming of a young girl. That was the first time I felt self-conscious of how I looked to everyone. I wondered if everyone saw me like that. As just “a lesser guy” because I wasn’t exactly a guy but I didn’t really look like a girl.
“She was letting me know that however long I lasted, she would last longer. She would not be bested by a fat ass.” – Roxane Gay
So many girls are pitted against each other, to see who is the prettiest, who is the skinniest and who is just better than each other. They have to present themselves in a certain way to even be considered a girl but it’s also a competition to see who is the most pretty, the most beautiful, the most skinny. To girls who don’t fit into any of those categories, they aren’t seen as girls at all. You feel inferior to other girls, which builds resentment to them, to everyone. A constant unseen competition between women.
As a man i remember the conversations I’ve had when i was young and naive and i have definitely added to these kinds of sentiments as to who is prettier than who. Similar sentiments were even said to me as to whether i was “black enough” or even whether I was “man enough”. Young children often say these things due to the influence of adults in their life and it is likely something that may never change, but I think it would be interesting to see how conversations that children have will change with parents from our generation that are more progressive when it comes to what makes a person themselves, weather it is what makes them a woman, what makes them black etc.
This piece is so honest, and opening with that “one to ten” question really pulls the reader straight into a feeling almost everyone has had but rarely admits to out loud.
The scene with the boys is the heart of it. “You’re basically one of us” sounds like a compliment, which is actually why it stings. Your reaction, happy and annoyed at the same time, captures how confusing it is to be praised and dismissed in one breath. I really like how you pair that memory with the Roxane Gay quote. It moves the story from one playground moment to something so much bigger, the way girls get set against each other in a contest nobody signed up for.
The line about girls who don’t fit those categories not being seen as girls at all stuck with me. It shows how narrow the definition is, and how much damage it does to everyone, whether they win or lose. “Unseen competition” is a perfect title for that.