The way a lot of people see me versus how I see myself is very fractured. On the outside, you may see a woman, feminine features, a ‘small’ frame. On the inside, you’ll see a pile of flesh, literally. That’s all I see myself as, a pile of flesh with a pink bow on top to signal to outsiders that I am feminine. But what does it mean if I still see myself as a feminine thing but not a woman?

I still like to participate in things that are aesthetically feminine, I still love the color pink, I still love painting my nails and doing my hair, and trying out makeup. But I want absolutely nothing to do with tasks that are seen as traditionally ‘woman’, I DO NOT want to have to depend on someone else, I DO NOT want to be nurturing and selfless all the time, and I DO NOT want to care for kids, I don’t even like the thought of my body going through a menstrual cycle. I know that not every woman does these things that I just listed off, but many people assume that to be a woman, you have to have a desire to do at least one of them. Most would argue that these feelings aren’t that big of an issue; after all, I do have a choice of whether or not I can do those things. But it’s the fact that people’s outside perceptions will never match how I feel on the inside. Roxane Gay talks about how a lot of people project assumed narratives onto your body without being interested in the truth; while she was referencing how people treat you when you are overweight, this is true for every visible identity. No one will ever look at me and assume that I’m just a person who happens to be feminine; they will always see me embody femininity on the outside and expect me to fulfil the role of a ‘woman’. What makes it worse is that I’ll never be able to explain away that woman label; it doesn’t matter if I try and act selfish, it doesn’t matter if I look like the Babadook if it was supposed to represent processed sugars instead of grief. If i dont look like a man, then I must be a woman.