Up until now, I do not think I have had a music artist that I am attached to. There probably is not an artist that I would cry about when they are gone. Although I do have love for many musical artists that I listen to, I do not think I am passionate about them. When listening to the podcast “Fresh Air with Hanif Abdurraquib,” I realized how sad it was that I did not have an artist that I was passionate about. At one point in the podcast, Abdurraquib and his class all took a moment when one of their favorite artists died, and he spoke about how hard it was for them. They all went around and shared their favorite songs and talks about that artist throughout all of class. I have had friends who have had the same experience with other musical artists. I think it is a beautiful thing to be attached to someone because of the words they use and the emotions they invoke in others. All of this without personally knowing that artist must meant that that artist is special and dear to them. I look forward to when I can be that passionate about a music artist one day like them.

Here is one of my favorite songs So Good by Dove Cameron. She sadly deleted all of her past songs, but I listened to this song all throughout my first semester at university so it means a lot to me.

So I am not a big person, but I am not a small or athletic person either. And I have noticed that I am weaker than the average person. Every day I come to campus, I am faced with the reality that I need to work out because going from the Commons parking garage to the Fine Arts building is a struggle. I am always out of breath and have to force myself to not take a break while going up the stairs to save myself from embarassment. And I thought I was the only one because everyone else was speeding past me up the stairs, but I realized I was not the only one in a couple of my classes.

Last week, I had a couple classes talking about accessibility and mobility, and it was then that I realized that UMBC is just not an accessible school. Many people with mobility disabilities are not able to walk in this campus because of how many stairs there are. Many have to take the elevator in the University Center to get anywhere. Now I am not a disabled person in any way, and I do not want to equate my lack of working out to their inability to walk through campus, but learning about this in my classes brought a new perspective for me because I never had or knew someone with a disability. My relationship with disability is one where I am constantly learning and seeking to learn these new perspectives.

I think about the privilege I have every day. Even though I am a minority, I fit today’s beauty standards, I am financially well off, I have never had or needed a job before, I get an allowance, and I have a body that gets me everywhere with ease. I become aware of this privilege every day and everywhere I go because I always realize how much easier I have it then others. After watching the documentary Aftershock, I became even more aware of this to the point where I was telling the people around me about this documentary and what I was shocked to learn. Even though I am a minority as well, I am treated differently because I am not specifically black. When watching this documentary, I realized that there are many black women who feel worry and fear when they realize they are pregnant. Not because of having to provide for a baby or a having a changed lifestyle, but a fear for putting their lives in the hands of people who do not care for them. This is a feeling I can only imagine, as there is a high chance that I may never experience the same fear as a black women when she gets pulled over by the police, or when she finds out she is pregnant. When I advocate for myself, I am more than likely be heard than a black woman. And this is a sad fact about the job fields that are meant to help everyone indiscriminately. Because I have grown up privilege, I want to continue learning, sympathizing, and empathizing with others so that I can treat others with the kindness and respect that any other person deserves.

I don’t think a day goes by where I am not aware of my body. One of our readings “Throwing Like a Girl” brings up how some girls do not put their whole bodies into potion because they see their bodies as a burden, and at first I did not realize that I could relate to that. When I walk, I have to wear an uncomfortable, lined bra that holds my breasts in place. Unfortunately, my breasts move up and down when I walk and this is something I cannot change. While I like my body, I am also made aware through the stares of random men that my body is not for my eyes only. It feels even worse when I see a grown man staring at me while his wife is beside him at the grocery store.

When I was in middle school, I remember being told for the first time that I had to cover the strap of my bralette. Back then, I used to wear nude-colored bralettes because I obviously did not wear bras yet. I was told by a teacher, while walking to lunch with a friend beside me, that I had to cover my bralette strap and it was the first time I felt embarrassment from my chest. And I remember seeing my breasts as a burden from middle school to high school.

During my first couple years of high school, I developed an eating disorder and became obsessed with looking slimmer. This included wanting smaller breasts and even saying that I would get breasts reductions when I was older. Having bigger breasts made my silhouette look bigger than I would like. I was jealous that people with smaller breasts could wear whatever shirt they wanted without worrying about it fitting over their chest or showing too much cleavage and getting stares. It was not until turning 18 when I started to appreciate my body for what it was and I no longer wanted to change the body I had. I started to realize that people with different bodies have to go through different obstacles of their own. While I still get self conscious about the stares I get, I try to ignore them because at the end of the day I will wear whatever I want with the body I live in.