I love the fall, but I hate the dark. The cool weather is always a change I look forward to at first.  It then quickly becomes dreadful. Excruciating. Why is it dark at 5pm? 

I don’t know why the change of an hour has such a big effect on me. It shouldn’t.

I can’t get myself to wake up. I can’t get myself to class. My floor is made of clothes. Any assignment takes so much willpower to complete. At this point I struggle to truly try. Everything I do gets 25% of my effort, because that’s all I can spare. I’m falling behind in all of my classes because my brain feels like mush. Everything feels like it’s falling apart. Graduating with my degree seems so far and unreachable. I hate that I have an obligation to the government because I have to borrow their money. I’m scared I’m doing this for nothing. I hope I can pay it back. What if I can’t? 

My eyes are puffy and my cheeks are raw and red. I wish I was a pretty crier. I don’t think I’ve ever impressed anyone. I wouldn’t be impressed with myself. I’m not impressed with myself. I shouldn’t be ranting like this. This is supposed to be a blog post. Does this relate to our class topics? I don’t know. I’m sorry. 

.

I just feel so burnt out. I wonder if it’s normal to feel this way? I assume it’s not. What exactly is normal? Something is only normal if it is common, I guess? If that’s the case, I don’t wanna be normal. Except when it comes to the way I’ve been feeling lately. That makes me want to be “normal”. 

TW: Disordered eating, weight, numbers.

I’ve struggled a lot with disordered eating. I have been improving greatly, and I’m so grateful, but one of those reasons is because I don’t allow myself to step on the scale. Even at the doctor, I will ask them not to tell me my weight. I know you should base your confidence off of how you feel about yourself, not the number on the scale. Still, my mind lets a number dictate how I feel about myself. I hate that regardless of the number I see, it will not warrant a good feeling, or outcome. This is a piece I wrote one night regarding this (I’ve never written a poem before, so bear with me, lol).

A World  Without Numbers

A language without numbers
Is perfect for me
Maybe then I will feel worthy
Of what life has to feed

I could have pizza
And soda
And still feel like me

The digits won’t decide
If I get to eat

In a world without numbers
I would have peace of mind
There won’t be evil figures
In my head on rewind

Fluctuations up and down
It all ends the same
Make it go lower
No matter the ache

So arrest the digits
For they’ve become felons
Vandalizing my thoughts
With pounds armed as weapons

I will specifically be speaking about voluntary cosmetic plastic surgery. Think nose jobs, botox, BBLs, lip filler and tummy tucks. I am not touching on reconstructive plastic surgery or any procedure that is for a medical reason.

What causes someone to desire a certain cosmetic procedure? For most cases, the short answer is the unrealistic beauty standard and insecurities. Growing up as a woman you are constantly and subconsciously soaking in these presented beauty standards like a sponge. The picture that is painted shows that the most perfect women are fit, have perky boobs and butt, an hourglass shaped body, clear skin, a complexion that glows, full lips, bright eyes, perfectly symmetrical eyebrows, straight teeth that are pearly white….. the list truly could go on forever. As we all know, this creates insecurities in return. You begin to grow up as your own biggest critic, freaking out before school because your hair won’t lay right, and crying in the dressing room when you’re shopping for new clothes. It is one thing to feel this way when you’re young. It is another thing to grow up and have these thoughts and realize, your insecurity may be something you can actually change for good, if you have the money.

Plastic surgery has become much more common in the last 20 years. It used to be something that was exclusive to the rich and famous. Now, you might know someone personally, maybe yourself, who has gotten some kind of procedure. For me, I know multiple people in my life. I know someone with lip filler and a nose job. I know someone who had their ears surgically pinned back. I know someone who has gotten a full body transformation including a tummy tuck, brazilian butt lift, fake boobs, botox, cheek filler, and more. I would say that most people getting some kind of plastic surgery done are doing it to rid some kind of insecurity, and I don’t blame them. Why wouldn’t you take the chance to finally get rid of that one thing that bothered you so much if you could? You won’t have to worry about it anymore, and you can finally feel more confidence when it’s gone. I absolutely believe that you can do whatever you want with your body, and you should. My confusion where plastic surgery stands morally comes in here. If you partake in plastic surgery in order to fix your insecurity and become a closer fit into the beauty standard, aren’t you now contributing to said standard?

There is a mold that women today feel that they need to fit. There is a very small number of people born naturally to fit these guidelines. Everyone today is trying to fit this similar look, and by conforming to these guidelines in the form of getting plastic surgery, aren’t you just creating a wider range of people who fit this standard? Therefore, contributing to this unrealistic beauty standard, that is usually unreachable without some kind of plastic surgery. It kind of contradicts the saying “you are beautiful just the way you are” or “everyone is beautiful in their own way” that most people have heard at some point in their life. With an increasing amount of people getting plastic surgery to fix their insecurities, there becomes less variety of people and how they look. I think one of the most amazing things about humans is that not everyone looks the same, but there has been a slow and steady increase in people who are trying to look similar. At least in the United States of America, which is the only place I can really speak on because it’s the only place I’ve lived. 

So, my mind is kind of back and forth trying to decide where plastic surgery stands morally in the sense of beauty standards. Everyone has the right to their own body, and you should always do what makes you happy. No one should tell you what you can and cannot do with yourself. Then again, is partaking in cosmetic procedures a further contribution to the  unreachable beauty standard? I’m not sure where I stand on this topic, but it’s interesting to talk about.

I feel that it’s important to mention that I am in no way judging anyone for choosing to receive some sort of cosmetic plastic surgery. I am simply pondering where the concept stands morally in the sense of beauty standards. Please do what makes you happy.