I love the fall, but I hate the dark. The cool weather is always a change I look forward to at first. It then quickly becomes dreadful. Excruciating. Why is it dark at 5pm?
I don’t know why the change of an hour has such a big effect on me. It shouldn’t.
I can’t get myself to wake up. I can’t get myself to class. My floor is made of clothes. Any assignment takes so much willpower to complete. At this point I struggle to truly try. Everything I do gets 25% of my effort, because that’s all I can spare. I’m falling behind in all of my classes because my brain feels like mush. Everything feels like it’s falling apart. Graduating with my degree seems so far and unreachable. I hate that I have an obligation to the government because I have to borrow their money. I’m scared I’m doing this for nothing. I hope I can pay it back. What if I can’t?
My eyes are puffy and my cheeks are raw and red. I wish I was a pretty crier. I don’t think I’ve ever impressed anyone. I wouldn’t be impressed with myself. I’m not impressed with myself. I shouldn’t be ranting like this. This is supposed to be a blog post. Does this relate to our class topics? I don’t know. I’m sorry.
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I just feel so burnt out. I wonder if it’s normal to feel this way? I assume it’s not. What exactly is normal? Something is only normal if it is common, I guess? If that’s the case, I don’t wanna be normal. Except when it comes to the way I’ve been feeling lately. That makes me want to be “normal”.
Unruly Bodies 
Everything you describe feeling here is so incredibly valid and you are certainly not alone in feeling burn out and having seasonal depressive tendencies. The way you write about your emotions here is very poetic and though these are not great feelings or experiences, you’re conveying of them is very beautiful. I like to think that such experiences are part of the human experience, maybe not the most desired part, but an important one nonetheless as it makes the highs of our lives seem brighter and more alive, particularly after we have experienced the lows. Regardless, I really appreciate you sharing this with us. It is so critical to vocalize and sometimes center these feelings, as we never know who can relate.
The construct of “normal” really is one of the greatest hoaxes in our lives. Our world is on fire, violence is everywhere, injustice is everywhere, it is an insanely difficult time to be alive … and yet, the imposed expectation of being “normal”, as if we live in a “normal” world, is everywhere. Just know, there is nothing “normal” about being “normal”. It is a false sense of reality and is really another word for “conformity”. Thank you for sharing this and expressing your reality, and being one more voice to shatter the unrealistic expectation of “normalcy”.