I write this on my phone at 10:03 pm I was so excited to do this weeks assignment for nothing more than to share a anecdote about my coming out or to share some sappy poem that I think is rather deep and meaningful (it isn’t but like i can pretend) while others are counting the number of periods i didn’t include but unfortunately I can’t not because i lack the time i’m a quick thinker and could cobble something decent together and for sure not lack material (it’s funny how much there would be to use) but because my mind won’t let me it won’t let me do more than just talking into a void a void with like 9-10 people also talking into it but a void all the same so here it is me unfiltered and slightly tired and really overworked It’s all very topical i guess my last post for unruly bodies sabotaged by my unruly body In this class we learn about bodies in so many different ways wether they are queer bodies pregnant bodies or just all in all over worked bodies and in that i’ve found that we as people have so many things that we put ourselves through to make life easier when in all honesty all it does is make life more varied we talk about what we need and how it will fix things for us like who hasn’t thought that right it’s natural to want more for yourself but at the cost of our own bodies we work to hard or put ourselves through the ringer to conform right like the new year new me people you know the ones with the new year glasses that has the year on them and the noise makes and hats these people say one Dec 31st they will listen to their bodies more eat only when your hungry or understanding when you need time off to relax these same people on jan 1st will be peeling themselves off a carpet if theyre lucky hungover and craving cheese at 7:20 in the morning will they follow that impulse no because they have a shift in 40 min and bills to pay now i’m not shaming them more power to them to have that sorta turn around what i’m saying is your body is complex and the logically we couldn’t possibly give it everything it wants when it wants it but we can do our best to do better for ourselves and our unruly bodies anyways thanks for listening to me ramble on 

When you’re mind gets like this when the spirits of your past self haunt you with every misspoken word or awkward interaction you feel as if you’re trapped in a haunted house tip toeing around your own mind trying to dodge the parts of creaky wood that is your memories as not to alert the next specter itching for a scare you look to see the shards of glass that once we’re mirrors that you saw reflections of yourself in versions of you that no longer exist hoping the fractured parts of you don’t tear through those cracks and drag you back to times long wished forgotten some days you make it to the end successfully avoiding the haunted house that is your mind and other days the spirits have a hold that is simply to tight but there’s always another day to open the door and bask in the kinder light

You awaken eyes bloodshot teeth aching and a pit in your stomach you look up and he stands there pleased with himself and it comes into focus what has happened why you were on the cold pavement your back wet from the puddle you seem to be sitting in the anger wells up as liquid flows down your face you try to stand but stumble back into that puddle he places a hand out and waits a moment before reaching out and grabbing the front of your shirt yanking you up “what? can’t stand?” your feet dangling above the pavement just barely “wh..why do this to me” you manage to choke out as he lowers you to the ground “I don’t know truthfully irritation maybe I was reading minds looking for my next meal when all I could hear was you. I have never heard someone actually recite calorie conversions” you shift in place entirely uncomfortable with someone reading your thoughts then you feel it this intense pain that shoots through you like a dagger in the gut. You’ve ignored hunger before but this this was a different beast it was angry it was demanding it was not something you were gonna be able to ignore ” there it is” he chuckles ” Well you have fun with that” he begins walking away “I’m sure you and that new apatite of yours are gonna have quite the time together try not to kill to many people and most of all have fun” he vanishes into the shadow leaving you alone cold and hungry.

A question plain and simple but as it passes my ears it’s as complex as latin 

Like an ancient spell I don’t quite understand what it’s asking of me

Then I see as I feel my body contort and transmute under the syllables 

Bones crack and fur grows I am now beast relegated to glass enclosures and timed meals

I am watched daily to dangerous to be let free of my cage but just exotic enough to be entertaining 

It’s then that i’m released into open air where my fur is once more just hair my fangs once more become teeth I am human

Yet i feel that beast pawing at me under my flesh waiting to be released by that spell once more