TW: chest dysphoria, surgery
For as along as I can remember, I’ve always hated my chest. At age 12, I had B cups and by age 21, I had triple DDD. This became especially devastating as I gained a better understanding of my gender identity as a nonbinary individual in my mid twenties. To cope with the body dysphoria and feel somewhat more happy and connected to my body, I began using binders regularly. Being fat and binding is a special kind of torture, especially during humid Maryland summers, but the physical discomfort was always worth the confidence binding gave me.
At the beginning of last year, I accepted a dream job as a digital marketer for an independent trans owned binder company. Although the job has been deeply rewarding in so many ways, it didn’t particularly help in the whole avoid-thinking-about-your-chest department. I reached a point where I decided that top surgery was absolutely necessary for me to feel safe and grounded in this body and told myself I’d give it 6 months for research and finding the right surgeon before committing to a surgery that would be permanent.
And then – the pandemic hit and I began teleworking which has been good, a bit difficult, but such a privilege. Unfortunately, this also meant I stopped binding and was walking around the house in a loose fitting T-shirt and shorts 24/7. Comfort at a 100 meant chest dysphoria at a solid 100 too. So, naturally, I expedited everything and within 2 months of planning and appointments – got a surgery date for August 26th. That’s right, the literal day before classes.
The surgery happened and went really well. Between constantly processing immense grief, immense joy, and a million other feelings – it’s been difficult to clearly process and understand what it means to be in this new body.
I do know that in a year filled with so much loss and uncertainly, I am so lucky to finally find peace and warmth in this body at a time I need it the most.
Unruly Bodies 
Firstly, congrats! I am so glad you were able to get top surgery, especially during the pandemic. That is something I hope to do as well within the next couple of years. I hope that your healing goes smoothly, too! It is nice to hear about more non-binary people getting top surgery, since it’s traditionally only associated with binary trans men. I am curious what the insurance process is like, since many people in the United States have had to raise their own money for such a necessary medical operation. I would guess that non-binary people have a more difficult time having insurance cover transition-related expenses because they might not be seen as “really trans.”