TW: transphobia, homophobia, biphobia
To put my queer experience in a nutshell: I came out as bisexual in 2018, and trans in 2019/2020. In my family, my mom is the only one who knows either. Since coming out and being out to most people, I have felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I can finally be true to myself and stop living a lie around close people in my life. That does not extend to my father or any part of my extended family. When I say family, I am referring to birth/biological family, but as I say: blood, genetics, nor genes mean shit about who is really family.
The reality of my family situation is uncomfortable at best, demolishing at worst. I am incredibly thankful that I do not need to take out college loans or go into debt because my (paternal) grandparents put a 529 Plan (general definition here) aside for me. Without it, I would be in heavy debt, or maybe not even attending college because of the sheer cost alone. Until all of my tuition is paid off and my diploma is in hand, I am at their mercy financially. If I were to do something that my family did not “agree with,” such as coming out as bi but especially trans, I could have my college money revoked. The money covers more than just tuition: it covers my rent, utilities, and meal plans (when otherwise applicable); essentially everything that I need to survive and continue attending UMBC.
One of the top reasons that I am counting down the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until graduation is so I can finally come out for them. It is extremely likely to go over horribly, which is something I am still working on coming to grips with and figuring how I will handle it. Currently, I am planning on writing and sending physical letters to both my father and uncle (he is the one that manages my 529). I understand that, after the 529 is not as crucial to my survival and education, I could be written out of wills, lose future inheritances, and be alienated or shunned by my family. There is always some hope that they will open up their minds, come around, and treat me and love me all the same, but I am not banking on it at all.
Recently during a visit with my father, he confirmed my fears: that coming out as gay is as bad as, if not worse than, going to jail. Yup, you read that right. Previously, when I asked, he had said he would still love me if I were gay, but it would be harder. That breaks my heart and simultaneously enrages me. As much as I wish I did not care about what they say and think, they are my family. They are my father, my uncle, my grandmother. There will always be a part of me that seeks approval, praise, and love from them.
Unruly Bodies 
I’m out to my family but I 100% know how hard and scary it is, especially when your parents are openly homo/transphobic/you’re raised in a homo/transphobic environment. My father is very much, “I get you’re bi but don’t remind me”, my mother has luckily gotten much more progressive/validating of my identity as I’ve gotten older. I’m really glad you brought up the common trend for marginalized people, especially seen in the LGBT community: the concept of “family”, deconstructing society’s definition of “family”, and what deems people as “family”. I know we have a term for compulsory heterosexuality but I think we need a term for the societal doctrine that rules that your “real family” is the people related to you biologically/by blood (if there is a term for that please someone tell me because I think about the concept a lot), not by who helps you grow, adapt, and authentically support/love you. It’s very jarring/disconnecting/traumatic hearing people deemed your “family” say that they love you when you know it’s not 100% as they claim; they love their idea of you.
PS: Sending you luck, love, and power to you for your post-college life you are able to authentically create! ❤
First, I’m sending you so much love. When I came out, my mother practically yelled at me that I didn’t know what I was talking about and it wasn’t until Years and Years later when she discovered my girlfriend did she “accept” me. I think it was only because she didn’t want to lose me. Coming out is hard- especially when you know what the outcome will probably be. My family preaches that they are accepting, but it is when they constantly ask how my “boyfriend” is that I know they don’t. I don’t regret a thing. It is almost more comforting to know how they Really feel about me because being queer is Who I am. And unless they can love all of me, all of you, they don’t deserve you and all of the amazing qualities you possess. Being queer is Who you are and the world deserves to know who you are. You are perfect just the way you are and I know it sucks to have family that you know somehow loves you less, but in a way it can be comforting to know they don’t deserve you. Who care who you love or who you are? At the end of the day all anyone should care about is how you treat others.
If I have learned anything, family isn’t just blood. It consists of those who truly love you and take care of you. Those who bring you soup when you are sick and the people you call first with good news. It is as much as those who you love and love you in return wholeheartedly as much as it is, and sometimes even greater than those who birthed and raised you. You deserve the best and they can’t take that away from you. You deserve to be your truest self and happy. Really fucking happy. It is on them to jump on board and be apart of your journey. If they can’t, then they are missing out on one amazing person.