TW: dysphoria
I am trans… or am I??? Part of me knows that I undeniably am. I have had dysphoria for years, although I did not know what dysphoria was or even what being transgender meant. But even still, that tiny voice in the back of my mind likes to sow seeds of doubt in my thoughts. Maybe it’s denial, internalized transphobia, fear, or some other mix of emotions.
Two specific memories I have from high school stick out to me. People generally dislike hearing their voice on recordings, as did I, but it was a step further for me. From that, I deduced that people disliked their actual speaking voices as well; I knew I did. But that was not in fact the case for other people. Voice dysphoria.
A similar thought I had was when I was walking home from high school and thought, “huh… I’m a lot shorter than I feel I am inside.” I was at least six feet in my mind, but in reality, I was near eight inches shorter. That was the first time I became aware of what I later learned was height dysphoria, and my voice mismatch? Height dysphoria.
When I finally came to terms with the fact I was bisexual, in mid-2018, I thought that that was that. I had finally figured out who I was, and life was good in regards to my identity. It had been quite a lengthy, challenging process of consciously working against the deeply ingrained homophobia, and biphobia, in my mind. I was a bisexual woman, and that was it – or so I thought. I had all my life been on the “masculine” side of being a girl/woman, getting noticeably more in mid-high school and early college; more men’s clothes, androgyny, and shrinking away from more “feminine” things.
It finally got to a point where, in the beginning of 2019, I had started to seriously question my gender identity. Fast forward to today: I still am figuring out the specific term that fits me (man or some flavor of non-binary), so for now, I stick to the general term “transmasculine.” I am still at the start of my transition – only socially thus far – and I feel more than overwhelmed, but happy. My support circle is strong and growing, cheering me on and helping me every step of the way. Transitioning will take a great deal of patience, time, and energy, but I know that it will be absolutely worth it, whatever form it may take.
Unruly Bodies 
I’m glad you have a strong support group. When I was younger I’d see my friend get uncomfortable with certain parts of their body and I always assumed it was typical teenage self consciousness, but then she came out as a trans woman and her discomfort made way more sense to me. I imagine it’s hard to navigate in youth because -at least for me- we didn’t have the vocabulary to express our discomfort around our body. And almost every teenager dislikes some part of themselves (especially with the voice recording part) so I feel like it’d be hard to tell which of those dislikes is low-esteem or gender dysphoria.
I appreciate you for sharing this. As a non-binary person who is “femme-presenting” and was assigned female at birth, I often struggle with claiming the identity of trans. I consider myself to be a part of the trans and non-binary community and that is very central to my identity and my core values. Although by definition, I’m trans because my gender identity is different than my assigned gender identity, I feel like the identity does not belong to me. I recently saw a tweet from a trans non-binary person saying they’re wary of non-binary people who don’t identify as trans because what are you afraid of? I had to take a second and think if there was some internalized shame around being trans that is keeping me from adopting the identity. I still don’t have a concrete explanation and I continue to think about it all the time. Sometimes my reasoning is that I don’t experience physical dysphoria but I already know you don’t have to experience dysphoria to be trans. I think my main issue with it is that I move the world cis-assumed and have feelings of being disrespectful to the trans community if I claim that identity while still living with cis privilege. But also I know that being cis-assumed doesn’t make someone less trans… I clearly need to do some more thinking about my personal identity but I wish you luck with your journey and hope that you find peace with your identity as well.
As another nonbinary person who is both AFAB and “femme-presenting,” I definitely relate to you on this. I do identify as trans, but I do occasionally find myself wondering if I’m “trans enough” to claim that label. Do other trans people think I’m faking? I don’t experience dysphoria, and of course that’s not a requirement for being trans. I know that in my brain, as it applies to other people at least, but I’m not always able to apply the same logic to myself. Truscum propaganda is a hell of a drug, haha… I don’t experience dysphoria so how do I KNOW I’m not making it up? What if I really am just Spicy Woman pretending to be Actually Trans for oppression points?
And then I remember about gender euphoria and I’m like, oh, okay, thats how I know. I love being visibly outside the binary and rubbing my horrible queer hands all over stereotypical gender roles to make cishets cry. (But for real, learning about gender euphoria made all the difference for me in validating my own experience of gender and transness)
Thank you so much for your vulnerability in telling this story. I totally feel you on that doubt in the back of your mind even after mostly trusting yourself that you are who you think you are. I’ve been there too and still get it sometimes. I took a bunch of extra years to come out about my gender, after coming out as bi, because I never felt like I was sure enough or valid enough to demand my new pronouns be acknowledged. Brains are SO cruel and so is anyone that ever makes us doubt our truth. Sending you solidarity. ❤
I know you know this already, given you made this post, but I'm going to be an extra voice in the comments reminding you that you are the person you are pretty sure you are even on the days you hear that tiny doubt, this identity is absolutely yours to claim, you are enough, and I wish you nothing more than peace with your transition.
It's so overwhelming at times, but I'm so glad you're one of us!