My younger Sister suffers from a chronic illness, and has been for most of her life. There wasn’t a day within the last 10 years, at least, where it didn’t affect me, as her older sister–her protector, or my Mom–her caretaker, and her advocate and most importantly her. It has been debilitating for our family–in terms of our relationships with one another, her success and wellbeing, overall stress, and her future. I want her to be happy, I want her to live her life to the fullest, I want to see her grow, I want to see her laugh without masking herself… I wish she didn’t have this extra obstacle–I want my Sister.

Both me and my Sister have our shared experience of invisible illnesses and experiences: Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, abusive Father, unstable home environment, fear for our lives, hospitalization(s), etc. But what sets us apart, is the physical manifestation of our illnesses. For her at first, is was the stomach aches. Ones that would prevent her from going to school (at first, we thought she was faking it). In late middle-school, and throughout high school, it was debilitating migraines that would last more than a day–only being able to combat it with sleeping all day with the windows covered in our childhood blankets.

She’s missed more days of school than attended. She has been to countless specialists at John’s Hopkins and Sinai Children’s Hospital. Luckily, she was been able to obtain a 504 (formal plans and accommodations for children with disabilities to thrive in a school environment, protected by policy and law, https://www.understood.org/en/school-learning/special-services/504-plan/what-is-a-504-plan, as well as having home & hospital teaching/lessons) in high school. Her accommodations have helped her get passing grades, and to be able to graduate high school. She got by.

She lost opportunity for friendships, a social life (attending parties, being present in school, experiencing the sense of community our high-school shared), a love life (a first kiss, a crush, spending all night texting someone she had a crush on), and experiencing true self-actualized achievement (academic achievement–on her own with no accommodations, having a job). She has spent the majority of her adolescent experience being isolated because of her chronic illness, also because of her depression and anxiety–which within itself is an isolating experience.

Even though she was able to get a 504, and extra help from teachers in our county, she often felt discouraged by not being in the classroom. She didn’t feel the concept of achievement, and her knowledge wasn’t being tested in the way she needed–leading towards her experience of lack of achievement. She felt like she wasn’t trying as hard as the other students–that she wasn’t doing the same kinds of work (i.e. getting accommodations, not having to turn in major assignments, or complete the same tests others did). I think what was most crushing for her, was not being able to participate in an in-person graduation because of COVID-19. An in-person graduation could have given her the opportunity to feel like she really accomplished something–the physical form of achievement that so many of us look forward to, no matter how hell-like high-school felt and was.

At first, we thought it was IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), then it was figuring out whether she had a tumor or something else physical occurring that was causing her debilitating chronic pain. Over this time, she suffered losses more than we could all comprehend for the “baby” of the family. Because of her unexplained illness and countless kinds of medication combinations she was offered to combat her migraines, as well as a cocktail of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety pills (I don’t even want to think about how many pills she’s had to take with her only being 19). We were so consumed by this medicalization that I often feel that she was neglected in a socialization kind of way, and her mental health, further than it was already neglected. She didn’t live the ‘normal’ teenage life.

As an intuitive person and psychology major–seeking therapy for over half my life and engaging in self-help, I constantly told my Mom that I didn’t think that it was something physical that was causing her physical illness–I thought it was her psychological pain manifesting into a physical one. Because…no doctor or specialist could pinpoint the cause for YEARS and medication didn’t help. For one, she’s not one to openly express emotion. She has a history of self-harm and an ED. Of course, she makes jokes and appears to be ‘normal’ and ‘happy’ in interactions. But what was so coincidental, was that she would have episodes of migraines every time she was under stress–short-term (normal stress of school, being a teenager) and long term (depression, anxiety). Also, we both have a history of mental illness and mandatory hospitalizations. It had to be connected.

I tried SO hard to get her to see a new therapist, to talk about the things we went through as kids, or even just talk through the current feelings she has. Our childhood wasn’t easy–constantly living in fear of our alcoholic father, seeing him yell and be physical with our Mother, smashing our kitchen to pieces, having to leave the house when he was in a drunken/physical rage, me trying to protect her and conspiring with her to run away when things got bad when she was barely 5 years old…Maybe she doesn’t remember our trauma in the way I do–we are 4.5 years a part. Or maybe–she’s blocked it out. Maybe pushing these things down so hard is causing her to be physically sick.

Fast forward to today, she graduated in the Spring of 2020. She graduated high school with a 3.0+ GPA. Got approved for a new, once-a-month medication for her migraines (self-administered shot to her thigh) and has been feeling better physically, mostly. Accepted to a private university, with a hefty scholarship because our Dad is a veteran. She has the brains so get her Secondary Education degree (she’s one of the smartest people I know–always brilliant at math, picking things up so quickly)–but she feels like she can’t do it; She doesn’t feel academically capable, her chronic illness, and her depression/anxiety, and COVID. Because of all that she’s gone through, she dropped out of her freshman year of college during the first week. I was so crushed seeing her not go through with college. Partly, because I’ve experienced trauma–physical and mental; I failed a whole year of college because of my mental illness, an abusive relationship, assault, etc. I wanted her to push through, just like I did. I went from a .50 GPA to a 3.5 in 3 years. In some fucked up way, I thought my strength extended onto her–seeing me go through so much would make her believe she could persevere too. She actively told me she wanted to be just like me (it used to make me cringe when she said that). Also, I thought it would be different ’cause she has more control over her future. I thought she would feel more control in general– More control and motivation to focus on her mental health that she’s been neglecting for years. But, I eventually understood her stance…She needs to focus on her health–mental and physical…when she’s ready.

I love my little Sister with ALL of my being. All I’ve ever wanted was to protect her, to see her thrive, to be my partner-in-crime/best-friend. I begged for a sibling at 3 years old. I named her after the pink dragon on Dragon Tales. I cherished her when she was born, and I still do. She’s my everything…I hope she gets better one day. I don’t want her to have to administer her migraine shots for the rest of her life (she hates it and doesn’t want to do it, but is strong). I don’t want her to have to limit her future. I want her to find herself, and most importantly believe in her capabilities— she’s intelligent, intuitive, funny, lighthearted, supportive, beautiful, resilient and everything you can imagine in an amazing human. I cannot understand how this affects her personally, completely. Only she knows herself best. I try not to project, I just look for a explanation or solution. The next step is up in the air. But, I’m hopeful for the future.

This post is to highlight how our mental wellness can manifest into the physical. She still doesn’t have a cause for her migraines; But through personal research, mental illness and trauma often manifests physically–specifically in children. Starting as stomach aches/migraines, developing into head migraines.

Chronic illness affects people in SO many ways. Socialization and experience is imperatively affected, but feeling like you’re apart of something bigger, achieving self-actualization through achievement and experience, and having autonomy over your life are major aspects. Seeing a loved one struggle with this is the hardest thing, cause you can feel as powerless as they do. I don’t know where we go from here…but I’ll never leave her side.

To migraines: I want my Sister. Give her back.

To my Sister, don’t give up…I’ll be here rooting for you and guiding you whenever possible or when you need it. I love you more than I could ever describe and I’ll fight with you endlessly – Love, your Big Sis.