Weddings, the union of two families in a formal ceremony, formal being the operative word. Clothes suitable for a high profile event such as this one are very gendered. Men wear collared shirts and ties, whereas women wear dresses. The question is, what if you’re neither? The answer? No one is sure. As a non-binary person, this THE question not only for weddings, but in general. When others gender you, no one can see what your gender is, but instead bases it off of certain characteristics. These characteristics are mostly visual and sound based. For example, masculine people are assumed to be male, whereas feminine presenting people are presumed to be female.
It really is wild that different cloths cut certain ways with certain patterns show people a binary gendered system. I went to a wedding this past weekend, and of course everyone was wearing clothes that made them present a certain way. I dressed masculine, as I usually do. Dressing masculine for me is easier and more comfortable than dressing feminine. Of course, dressing this way makes people perceive me as a man.
When someone uses he/him pronouns for me, dysphoria sets in. Luckily enough, my significant other is very supportive and unafraid to correct people at the drop of a hat. People always give funny looks or are confused when I’m referred to as her partner. Some relatives asked why I wasn’t her boyfriend, and after that always comes an explanation. It’s very odd for me to have someone fight this hard for my pronouns and identity. Personally, I’ve gotten tired of correcting and educating others. It gets old after a while. She is such a good ally for me when it comes to this. Her allyship to my gender identity is astounding.
Weddings themselves are very binary things as well. A holy union between one man and one woman. Thinking about the concept of marriage as a non-binary person is also very intriguing because when I get married, there has to be changes that no one really thought about when the concept of marriage was created. Am I a groom? Am I a bride? A broom? Everything feels up in the air when you don’t follow the gender binary.
Once again, the question is what if you’re neither? The answer? Do whatever makes you feel good. Do what you want. This ceremony is for yourself, not your family, not anyone else. If you plan on getting married as a non-binary person, be yourself and have a blast.
Unruly Bodies 
As a cisgender woman, the thought of how uncomfortable weddings can be never really crossed my mind. I love how supportive you are to other non-binary people and encourage them to just have fun. In the end, it shouldn’t matter someone’s gender and I’m sorry that weddings have become a place of discomfort for you. I’m happy you have found a supportive significant other, though, who will stick up for you. I am curious how you think we should change this as a society. Where do you think we should begin? Thank you for sharing and opening my mind further in understanding the problems of normalization in our society.
I’m sorry you had to deal with those comments and reactions but I’m glad your girlfriend was with you at the wedding. I’ve never been to one and I don’t dread the thought but when talking to other nonbinary people, they talk of how there’s a tangible lack of space for us, it must be carved out. Rather than a middling, neutral gender area (no man’s land?) that usually exists in less formal settings, the importance of the occasion demands raising the stakes of the gender performance. A happier anecdote: one nonbinary person I knew was so so happy because they talked to the bride about being nonbinary and she made it so that their invitation and table namecard said “Mx. [name]”. It’s such a little thing in the grand scheme of things, but carving out that space for us is material allyship, especially when we can’t do so ourselves.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry that you’ve endured hurtful comments and misgendering from others. I admire your perseverance ❤
Your post made me think about the symbolism behind white wedding dresses, that being purity (sexual). It's such an outdated and sexist ideal that still exists in the way we dress at weddings, or judge the way others dress who attend. There is definitely a binary sentiment that is ingrained into the way weddings in the U.S. operate, and the hidden symbolism behind practices. I definitely admire those who choose to dress however they want on their wedding day–not necessarily wearing that white dress (red, black, pink, blue, etc), or dressing feminine or just not catering to heteronormativity in general.
I LOVE THIS! I have seen a lot of stuff about LBGTQ+ weddings on TikTok and it has brought up a lot of things I never thought of before. I always assumed people would dress however they felt comfortable on their wedding day. However, I never would have thought about how to refer to a nonbinary person that is getting married (broom is not something I heard before). Another aspect was bridesmaids and groomsmen. Some people will say bride’s people or just general wedding party. I have not ever really considered what to call people.
I think your girlfriend is amazing for being so supportive as an ally. I feel like not everyone has this experience and that seems like an environment where you can fully feel comfortable with someone. That is something I really hope for one day! Throughout college I have met so many people that don’t fit in the binary that I grew up around and I have grown a lot when it comes to learning about pronouns. However, it is constantly a learning process for me and I hope that I am always respectful when asking someone for their pronouns. Identity should always be respected. It is not something someone should place on you.