My relationship with my body is complicated to say the least. I cannot even think of the number of times I have wished for my body to be different. Like many others, I have struggled with being happy with what I see when I look in the mirror. I may be happy with this part here or even most of it some days, but I’ve never achieved 100% happiness with my own body. Sometimes I feel guilty for not loving my body. It supports me, it ensures my health, and acts as a vessel for my consciousness. When I find issues with it I wonder if I am taking what I’ve been blessed with for granted. Then I start to think about how my body could be better. I could have a flatter stomach, a bigger chest, I could be taller, have less fat on my body, etc. When I start to have these thoughts I try my hardest to be more accepting of myself and my body.
My relationship with body influences my relationship with other aspects of my life including food, clothes, and exercise. When I think of the foods that I am about to consume, I think of how that will cause my stomach to grow, how this will influence my weight, and overall appearance. A similar flood of thoughts occurs when considering to exercise. My relationship with my body then alters the clothes I feel comfortable wearing and what I feel confident in. These questions are constantly flooding my mind and to be honest it is VERY EXHAUSTING. Constantly thinking about how I look and how I feel about how I look can be mentally tiring. The older I get, the harder I work to be happy with the body that I have. Although I catch myself looking at how flat my stomach looks when I walk past the mirror, I try to remember that how it looks today, tomorrow, or the next should not have any impact on my happiness in relation to my body. It has become more important to me than ever to love my body no matter what it looks like and make changes based on bettering my health not my overall appearance.
Unruly Bodies 
I used to have the same issue. Then I discovered that I needed to stop comparing myself to others around me. When I compared myself to other people around me I tend to always felt like I was unsatisfied with my body. Also social media has been a major influencer of body image. For example everyone want to have a model figure body. But instead of telling yourself of all the “what ifs” try to find more positive things like “hey I have this and they don’t, so this makes me more unique than them”. You are perfect the way you are and don’t ever let anyone or anything tell you anything different!
I really appreciate you sharing your body image struggles because I know there are so many individuals, including myself, that have had those exact same thoughts and feelings. It is HARD finding body acceptance in today’s culture. Every time we check social media or watch a TV show, there always seems to be these drop-dead gorgeous models that leave us playing the comparison game and wishing we looked different. I know the main reason as to why I devalued my body and physical appearance was because of what I saw on social media. However, I eventually realized that I am not meant to look like those models on Instagram. Instead of picking out every little flaw of mine, I started to appreciate and accept all that my body can do. I feel like that is the key to finding true body acceptance. Your last sentence really caught my attention and I feel like it’s important to restate- “It has become more important to me than ever to love my body no matter what it looks like and make changes based on bettering my health not my overall appearance.” At the end of the day, true happiness comes from appreciating yourself for and treating your body with the same compassion that you give to others.
Thank you for being so vulnerable. Existing with a body is really hard and the culture we’ve cultivated around our bodies has only made it harder. I’m glad that despite all of that, you’ve found the resolve to love your body.
I think the way we’re taught to think about it as a vessel we have to maintain really damages us because it’s us. There have been many times recently where I have thought about when my body split from my mind. It reminds me of the Golden Compass, with the children being separated from their daemons. When you’re a child, there’s a lack of self-awareness about one’s body that is wonderfully whole. Until one day, it’s different. And you and your body are no longer one creature but two. My ideal would be to return to that, to not have to think about my body ever again. Until then, I think all that I can do is the same as you and focus on health rather than appearance.