I work at a pharmacy. This means I’m trusted with people’s health information. We have special trash specifically for regular trash, blue HIPPA trash (paper with HIPPA info on it), and green HIPPA trash (plastic with HIPPA info on it). The HIPPA trash is shredded and we’re VERY serious about making sure the trash is separate because our store can be fined a lot of money if we mix that up. The HIPPA trash goes in a locked trash can. That being said, we’re very big on protecting people’s privacy. However, we get a peek into this privacy with every phone call asking “Can you refill my gabapentin?”, which means that they have a form of nerve pain versus “Can you refill my Suboxone?”, which means they are being treated for drug addiction. It’s sometimes scary having all this information especially when we end up memorizing certain patients because they come in bi-weekly or monthly for their medications. Which leads to me, I take five different medications: an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, an anti-seizure medication to treat a side effect from my mood stabilizer, birth control, and most recently, an ADHD medication. I get them all filled at the pharmacy I work at which means my coworkers know which medications I am on. I’m very open about what I take, I have no shame of being on medication, in fact, I love taking medication because I, unfortunately, know who I am/who I was before medication. However, it’s a very different feeling when you are allowing yourself to be open about your medication versus when someone is in charge of you, intimately knows you, and intimately knows what you take, just like my pharmacist.
One day I was asking my pharmacist to refill my meds because I was doing something and leaving soon. As we were refilling them, she commented on how I am “very normal despite what you’re taking”. I instinctively said “thank you!” but to this day I still don’t know if I should take that as an insult or a tone-deaf compliment. She clearly meant it as a compliment because she sounded so proud of me and that part I agree with! I am proud of the progress I have been making and I am well aware of how lucky I am to have access to not only (affordable) medication but also therapy. I think my main issue was the use of the term “normal” especially since I don’t agree with it. I’ve done incredibly stupid and honestly harmful things in the process of getting a hold of my mental disorders whether it was finding and trying so many medication combos, my bipolar disorder developing (and therefore not being treated until later), to unlearning toxic coping mechanisms I had created to shield me from the mental, psychological, and physical pain I was in. There were points where I yelled “fuck it” and hoped my reckless behavior would end it all for me because I was too scared to do it whenever I was rational. I highly disagree with associating me with normal. I like to think I’m just getting better. I don’t think I’ll ever be normal, I’m just constantly fighting to get better and do better. I have to make up for the harm I’ve inflicted on myself and others so therefore I have to get better and I have to do better. That means taking my meds. That means going to therapy. That means journaling and keeping track of any mania or depression swings on the horizon. There are a ton of people that don’t have to do these things and pay $60 a month to function as a “normal” human being so no, I don’t feel normal “despite the meds I’m taking”.
And I don’t know if I ever will.
And that’s okay.
Unruly Bodies 
The thing that always gets me is how people without mental disorders behave/treat people With mental disabilities. I have a few and so does my current partner. We know how to help the other and what each other needs to support one another. Other people in my life do not. I have found those of us who know the struggle and know what it takes to appear “normal” tend to be chiller. We compare meds and joke around about it. People like my father are hella awkward about it because he just doesn’t know what to say or treat me, especially if I have a panic attack.
Specifically with your pharmacist, I know you said she meant well, but my head immediately thought of, “well what does she think of people in general who do take anti depressants, etc? Does she think less than or pity us?” With knowledge comes power and she has the training to help people, so why wouldn’t she understand we are normal people who have chemical imbalances and that meds help? What was she expecting you to be like? And if you behaved as she expected, would she treat you the same?
CW I mention suicide and self-harm but nothing graphic
It’s literally like talking to a baby when I try and explain my mental illness to my parents or anyone that isn’t also mentally ill. On the topics of relationships, it’s annoying that we almost HAVE to date other mentally ill people because people without mental illness do not know how to help when we’re having a breakdown, a manic episode, or any other not “cute” symptom. This could be a whole other post but I hate how it’s like whenever someone commits suicide everyone and their grandma are all “reach out to your friends with mental illness” and it’s like… thanks but I know you just mean a “safe” mental illness, something that allows someone to feel like they’re helping someone without actually showing up and breaking down societal barriers for people with mental illness. No one seems to check on me when I’m clearly having a manic sex binge or self-harming, but yeah, sure, go check on your friend that played Lana Del Rey too much today on Spotify. I am absolutely NOT saying that the friend doesn’t deserve to be checked on, but I know you’ll check on them before you go near the bomb that is me in a manic episode and self-harming. And it’s fucking annoying. It’s annoying that I have to placate my symptoms to make sure they’re not too “scary” so someone actually reaches out while also attempting to unpack my actual feelings while also masking my illness so I can pass as “normal” in whatever XYZ situation requires that.
Hi, This was a really brave post and I appreciate the share. I think normalizing these conversations can help normalize taking control of them. Maybe someone reading this will say “that was a bit rude” to the next pharmacist instead of saying thank you and feel empowered, and that will be because of the realizations you have made here. I’d like to echo some of your sentiments with a thought from psychology. In psychology there is a term “abnormal”, we hear it all the time. Part of this is the idea of “deviance” being a link to abnormal. Thus deviating from the norms of society is the qualifying definition to deem something (or someone) as abnormal. I have gone back and forth with the border implications of this for our society and understanding of “abnormal” psychology. Too much to say here. I will say that I think when we look to our own societal norms as cues of abnormally we lose a lot of the engrained and enriched processes someone can experience. What I mean is that by saying abnormal, we are typically looking to body and behavior, and is there not more to a person? Should there not be? Does not everyone feel abnormal so is that not normal, and should behavior or body be the only implication of that. I wish I could give something more profound as an answer to this, but if nothing else it is some food for thought that I am still very much chewing on. And it seems like this post has also contributed to. Thanks for the post!
I can relate to this a lot. I’m on antidepressants too. And over the last few months I’ve been trying different ones because I’m looking for the perfect combo. So I’m constantly get new meds at the pharmacy. I always wonder what the people working there think when they see me come back. I wonder if they think I’m weird or something. But what do they know about me besides the medication I take? Nothing. Personally I think what your coworker said was very rude. Normal??? So was she expecting you to act “crazy”? I think people who aren’t mentally ill or who don’t have a lot of experience with it just simply don’t know how to talk to people with mental illnesses. Because of this they may come off ignorant and rude when they’re trying to say something positive. But she definitely shouldn’t have said that. Regardless I’m glad you’re doing well on your meds and you’re coping with things more healthily. Best of luck to you.