I’m so terrified of drugs and alcohol to the point that I don’t do any of them.

This is not going to be a post saying “I’m better than people” for not partaking, just want to get that out of the way. If it comes off that way please let’s have a conversation on it so I use better wording in the future thank you.

So I’m 14, I get my latest issue of AltPress (for those that may be unaware, AltPress is a magazine on punk, pop-punk, metal, screamo, emo, hardcore, whatever genre in that vein). I rip it open to read an interview with the vocalist of Motionless in White. In it, he mentions growing up and how he was “straightedge”. What’s that you may ask? Straightedge is a subculture in alternative scenes and it means you don’t drink, you don’t smoke, and you don’t do drugs, symbolized by “XXX”. I had never heard this word but was amazed that there was a word for it.

Ever since I was young I really didn’t like seeing what alcohol or drugs “made” people do whether it was on tv, in books, in school showing people being abusive towards their family to self-medicating from their problems. I think this whole country has a large issue with glorifying alcohol and addiction. I’m not saying let’s reinstate the 18th amendment but good lord I don’t think we consciously realize what an influence it has over so many people. I am Irish which means yes I have definitely been around alcohol and I have absolutely been around drunk people. My family never pushed me on to it, my parents took the more “if she tries it, it won’t be such a taboo thing to her” which I am fine with and think that’s pretty good parenting. For example, when I was 7 I told my dad I wanted to try his “apple juice” (beer). My mom said no but my dad let me have a sip and lo-and-behold, it was definitely not apple juice. (Off-topic how do people drink beer like I completely understand how wine or vodka or rum is tasty and fun to drink but beer????) ANYWAY, I’m 14, I tell my friends about “straightedge” and we all agree that we’re gonna be straightedge. As I got older, more and more of my friends “broke” edge, while I got more involved with DIY scenes which actually had a lot of straightedge people. I think this helped me avoid peer pressure in high school because I knew I had friends that were like me and that I didn’t need to drink or smoke to “fit in” or get people to like me. I was also still wildly terrified of substances.

There’s a joke that goes “are you really straightedge or are you just underage?” and I remember thinking “am I still going to be doing this after I’m twenty-one?” and the answer is yes, I’m still fucking straightedge. In the GRADE program (catholic school version of DARE), I was picked out by a cop to try on the “beer goggles” and walk in a straight line. I tripped and almost walked off the stage because I couldn’t see a damn thing, it was like a fucked up kaleidoscope. I remember 10 year old me sitting back down and thinking “I am absolutely never going to drink because what if my eyes stay like that?” which I am well aware is not at all in the slightest accurate but a small irrational voice in my head to this day keeps yelling “BUT WHAT IF…”.

Then next, the cops proceeded to tell us a story about how apparently PCP turns you invincible because they said a man high on PCP had to be shot seven times to get him to surrender. Immediately I became wildly uncomfortable. Kids in my middle school were starting to talk about drugs and high school parties and I remember being mortified at the thought of it all. When I was in freshman year of high school, my mother talked to me about drugs and high school parties and all that jazz but I told her it was okay because, “I’m straightedge” and she laughed after I explained what that was (look who’s laughing now Eileen!!!!!!!). As I got older, I got diagnosed at 16 with depression and anxiety, the dynamic duo. I remember my doctor telling me “no grapefruit and you shouldn’t take substances” which I told him, “that’s okay, I don’t do that stuff” and he gave me such a look of disbelief and laughed. You’d think adults would love that there are teens that are like “yeah I don’t do that!” but we’re just met with disbelief or “yeah let’s see if that sticks when you’re 21”. I remember most kids in high school understanding it more than adults which to this day baffles me. They preach at you for years about how doing that “stuff” can ruin you but then turn around and bully 16-year-olds that don’t want to get drunk…? Moving on, I turn 21. The big moment. My dad asks what I’m going to get to drink. I think really hard and then say…

“Water”

“Wait are you still going to do that straightedge thing?” 

“Yeah I’ve been doing it for 7 years, why would I throw that away??”

And that’s the truth. Why would I throw it away? It’s something that is so crucial to my stability. I got diagnosed as bipolar at 19 and was again given the “don’t eat grapefruit and don’t do XYZ substances” when prescribed my new medication. I am too scared now not because of the beer goggles, but because I want my fucking meds to work. I want to be in as much control of myself and my actions as possible so yeah, I’m not going to do any altering substances that could threaten that! I don’t get what’s so hard to understand about chosen sobriety. I’m not saying being sober makes me marginalized or some nonsense but like…. I’m just trying to live I don’t get what’s so hard for some people to get. I still get annoying comments from people older than me! My aunts bully me to get a “glass of wine with the girls” or yell at me because I “wouldn’t do a shot of my grandma’s favorite drink” (a Manhattan) at her funeral with everyone (Irish funerals are bonkers).

This is honestly me just ranting about being sober and it’s about to turn into my opinions on what is and is not “normal” substance-using behaviors but I don’t care! I so tired of seeing drinking and drug use grossly normalized! I’m even more tired of people that do drink and/or do drugs get demonized if they’re not doing it in a “socially acceptable” way! It’s so fucking dumb how some substance use is demonized and others are just “misunderstood” or “experimenting”. One is a “War on Drugs”, the other is “The Opioid Epidemic”. Addiction is a disease regardless of who is doing it or why they’re doing it and it shouldn’t take the color of someone’s skin or a certain zip code to decide whether or not they’re worthy to receive treatment. I don’t know where I’m going to end this post. I always worry talking about me being sober comes off as “holier than thou” and that’s literally never a thought that crosses my mind. I think I’m just constantly paranoid, exhausted, and scared from worrying about someone in my life falling victim to addiction, including myself. I can’t say I struggle with sobriety because I have never been not sober but some days I still worry about one manic episode that could send me over the edge. 

Last Christmas I had two different interactions with two of my cousins. They were all going to a bar and I knew if I didn’t go my father would bully me for the rest of my visit. I walk up to the bar to order my classic “water no ice” when one of my cousins yelled, “SHE’S STRAIGHTEDGE GET HER A WATER”. I had explained it to him a few years ago but was amazed that he remembered regardless of his drunken stupor. Later that week, my other cousin asked me, “so like… you really don’t drink?” 

“Yeah, never have never will.” 

“…How do you cope?” 

“Therapy and mood stabilizers.”

I think I’m going to end this by saying that I take my sobriety so fucking seriously. I promise I’m not a party killjoy or a cop, I don’t judge a single person for drinking or smoking. This is what I need to maintain some semblance of normalcy in my chemically deficient brain. Next year marks “a decade of putting an X to my name” and it’s not leaving anytime soon.

I’m sorry but also not sorry for these memes, I actually had 10 made but I’m sticking with my top three. Thank you, this was a wonderful semester and I love you all.