I can’t decide what to write about. This is my struggle with every blog post because I have so many ideas but I always want to make sure I make a post that is appealing, relates to class, and has a clear purpose. This time around I was debating between tracking my period symptoms, Harry Styles and masculinity, an annoyance with getting birth control, or WAP. However, I have chosen to just write about my indecisiveness because 1) I could not decide on what to write, 2) this seemed easy to write about, and 3) I just want to get this assignment done because I have about 20 other assignments between me and the end of the semester.
My indecisiveness is definitely my worst quality and it drives me bonkers. It is the biggest thing I have to deal with in regards to my anxiety. When it is at its worst, I feel physically nauseous when I can’t make a decision. For example, there is the classic dinner debate. What am I hungry for? Do I want to spend money? Do I need to do dishes in order to cook what I am craving? How much energy am I willing to spend on cooking? Usually this results in me going through every type of cuisine and explicitly thinking of how the flavors will taste and how my stomach will react. That then causes me to get hungry and then nauseous because I am thinking too hard. Once the stomach ache happens, I stop being hungry and end up going through the whole process an hour later. Thankfully, I have recently been fairly good about just cooking random food at home. I am not always satisfied with the food but at least I cook and don’t have to deal with a long decision process.
The biggest indecision I am working through is a job. I already accepted a full time job for after graduation but I somehow got an interview for a rotation program that seems really prestigious. It would allow me to travel abroad and live in England for 9 months and spend 27 months moving around the US. They said I am in the top 10% of candidates which I don’t believe because the program seems to be aimed towards graduate students. Either way, I feel obligated to finish the interview process even though I just learned that the final interview day is a 6 hour event with three 45 minute interviews. I really like the other job I accepted, but with this one I think I am just curious. I want to get a vibe for the company before bowing out of the interview process; the interviews so far have not helped and I don’t want to have to go out of my way to awkwardly talk to HR. I have talked to a lot of people about it but still keep going back on my decision to take my name out of consideration.
My indecision has been bugging me because I don’t know what it stems from. I think that is the worst part of anxiety: not knowing where it comes from. I had a random panic attack on Saturday and almost passed out when I was just watching TV. I ended up making it to my room where I took a nap. I think I was getting overwhelmed with COVID cases rising, but without knowing I end up getting more anxious after the fact. I told some relatives what happened; they wanted to guess what caused it so then I started thinking about all of my triggers over again. It is not a good cycle to be in, but I feel like I struggle to get out of it.
Another thing that is a nightmare for my indecisiveness is also my favorite hobby: grocery shopping. I LOVE going to grocery stores and buying shit I do not need. But then I end up spending money and get irritated that I spent money. Or the worst is when I get home excited to try a new item and end up hating it (this week was some chocolate truffles and coconut macaroons from Aldi). I usually circle a store at least three times deciding what things that aren’t on my list that I should not get; this involves a lot of grabbing things, putting it in my cart, and then putting it back on the shelf. Sometimes I even call someone to help me decide what to get. This always upsets me because I am a full grown, 21 year old woman. I shouldn’t have this much indecision about what to buy. Especially when I come with a list! I know I never stick to my list, but I think I need to think of new solutions to cope with my indecisiveness. In grocery stores, I don’t need anxiety from the crowds, COVID, and indecisiveness. Having all three just makes a miserable experience.
Not everything results in such a large toll on my emotions. I think it depends on the day and what decisions I have to make or what past experiences I choose to dwell on. What type of things are you all indecisive about? Does it take a toll on you like it does me? Indecisiveness is everywhere. I don’t think it will ever not be a part of me.
Unruly Bodies 
This post is so interesting because I relate so heavily and I don’t at the same time. The first blog post was hard for me because I couldn’t find a topic, but by the fourth one, I had so many different ideas that were so different from each other. I would love to read all the topics you discussed, but I’m glad you picked this one. My anxiety causes me to be decisive. While, yes, I overthink the situations, I manage to completely get lost in a world where a decision must be made immediately or never. Instead of buying everything at the grocery store, I buy the only things on my list and nothing more even when I know I’m out of it at home. Thanks for the post and the perspective! It’s crazy how we can relate in different ways.
Hi, I am completely with you. I always say I need “supervision” when I go out to places because I freeze up. I am indecisive to a fault where I can’t move past the need to just do something. I felt the same way with the blog posts and I think all of my indecisiveness stems from a need to not be “wrong”. I always feel the choices I make will somehow be the incorrect ones, so from blog posts to the cereal I eat in the morning I am constantly worrying about the consequences of my actions. I also agree that COVID has not helped. I am constantly weighing going to the grocery store or dong my exercise outside for fear of the virus. I think we are bombarded with so many stimulus daily that indecision becomes inevitable, however that anxiety we feel with it is sometimes crippling. You are not alone in this!
Though our experiences aren’t the same I do relate to this post. For me my indecisiveness only comes out when the decision is only about me or for me. When it includes other people or is about other people/things, deciding is a simple task. But for some reason, especially when the topic is about my career moves or doing something for my future, I have so much I want to do that the options themselves overwhelm me and then I just do nothing. I had been thinking about it for a while, and it all came down to a fear of success or doing well for me. Because all the things I consider doing, I know that if I try I will most likely do well (and already have shown that from the past in things I actually committed to doing), and that even if I don’t that I can just move on. But still somehow the fear of failing or the prospect of disappointment makes me hesitant. Now that I’ve figured out why, I’ve been just trying to get in tune with myself, trust my judgement/intuition, and just try, because I cannot keep letting myself lose opportunities or waste anymore time on just deciding.
I have such an awful time with indecision due to a very fun mix of anxiety and ADHD, so I can really relate to you on this– especially re: grocery shopping. Of all things, grocery shopping is one of my favorite activities because everything is always in the same place (when they rearranged my local grocery store 2 years ago I had a complete meltdown). Unfortunately, the impulsiveness from the ADHD means I also have a hard time sticking to my list, and then I get home and get extremely anxious about the money I spent. However, I would say that most of my indecision comes from ADHD and then the anxiety creeps in after, telling me that I made the wrong choice or that I’m taking too long to decide or, or, or…