Short answer–I don’t know.
The long answer would extensive and it would be dark. I don’t want this to be dark. Maybe I’ll add some exclamation points (“I don’t want this to be dark!”) as a goofy, offsetting mood changer, like all exclamation points are.
But, let’s get back on track! (See?)
I’m a lot of things. I’m nonbinary but in a racialized way because I feel like my Blackness and nonbinary identity go hand and hand. I’m not mad at that at all and it feels like a new part of radicalization. Talking to me would make you think I like being nonbinary a lot more than I like being a lesbian but it’s just identifying as nonbinary is new to me so I’m kinda obsessed with it. Eventually, it’ll mellow out and blend together. I’m a writer (sometimes), obsessed with horror, and my favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day even though people would probably think it’s Halloween.
However, I’m none of things around my mother, but I don’t mean that in a super negative way. I don’t know how to show “I feel like I’ve never been my own person” in a positive light but I’ll try. I’ve noticed that everything I’ve done was always included with my mom. I went to a “good” high school, but it wasn’t just me and it was like my mom woke up everyday and went to school with me. She would tell me about stuff that I already knew because…I went to the school, and then she would act offended if I told her I already knew. In hindsight I could’ve been nicer than to tell her “I know, ma, I go there” but I was young. I didn’t know nice. I still don’t know nice, honestly.
But, can you see the upcoming pattern?
We both turned 18, we both graduated from high school, when I got accepted into her dream school (for me) but not my dream school (also…for me), I was expected to be happy because it’s what my mom wanted.
I couldn’t even pretend to be happy because my college acceptances/denials weren’t even mine. They were ours.
At college, especially, at college I feel like more of myself than ever. I feel like who I am around my friends. I don’t imagine I’d be telling so many people my pronouns so out in the open but there’s an implicit fear that one day for some reason one of my professors is gonna call my mom and use gender neutral language surrounding me and she’ll catch on. Sometimes, I’ll introduce myself as “they/them unless I’m around family” but that’ll die out eventually. Maybe.
This whole post sounds like I’m just in the closet but that’s the funniest part–I’m not! At least not all the way. I came out as a lesbian (woo, past me) but not as nonbinary because I, simply, don’t want to. Coming out as a lesbian was hellish and I like protecting my peace and coming out feels a little redundant to me because, like we talked about in class once, cishet people don’t come out. My mom just doesn’t claim my lesbianism as a group project so I really like being “out” and it feels like my first time being selfish. Being nonbinary feels like my first time being selfish. It’s secretive but it’s selfish.
So, hi. I’m nineteen and on my self discovery journey for the first time.
Unruly Bodies 
I can’t come in here and have some sort of sage wisdom around when, exactly, one finally discovers oneself, but I can tell you that as a slightly-older student (30), I also have not figured myself out yet. There’s an ongoing joke that “no one made it through the pandemic with their gender identity and sexuality intact,” and I thought with triumph that no, I did! I definitely did! Turns out I was just a late-pandemic bloomer and my new sexuality just wanted to wait until I felt secure in my own success before emerging like a game of whack-a-mole.
What I will say is that in my experience, identity is fluid. Society likes to tell us that identity is fixed, you just have to “figure it out” and yours will stick with you for the rest of your life like a badge, but that’s just not the case. There are so many stories and memoirs from people who have had very late in life revelations about their identities, as well as stories from people like me who went through iteration after iteration of identities. For me, none of my identities have ever been wrong, even if they’re different now – they’re true to who I was in that moment, and accurately reflected who that person was, then. I’m a different person today, and that’s ok!
I wish you the best of luck and comfort in your newfound identity!
Honestly, being nineteen sucks! I’m just a few years past, but I cant say that I’ve grown into myself as much either. In ways, I can relate to your story. There are few things I still hide from my parents and I constantly wonder when I’ll have the confidence to present my full self to them. But in all reality, I’ve learned that I grow and find new pieces of myself everyday. Without getting all philosophical, I think that’s what life is about. Just getting to know you, for who you are, day by day. Then as you feel comfortable, sharing those pieces of yourself with people around you. There is no rush to have it all figured out- shit! We have our whole lives! But, best wishes for you on your journey. Thanks for sharing your story.
Wow, this really hit home! Honestly, I’m really happy for you that you’ve started on this journey of self-discovery, and that you’ve been able to begin growing into yourself and being true to who you are. It can be a really scary process that shouldn’t be underestimated at all. I’m wishing you the best on your future path, and I hope you can continue maintaining your peace!
But parts of what you said really resonated with me. As someone who is also beginning to navigate their Blackness and gender and sexuality, for a long time, it felt like I was living in an entirely different world from my family. Specifically outside the house, but even in it, I felt estranged from them a little bit because I couldn’t share that part of myself with them. Now, starting college, I almost feel like I’ve been “stuck” in younger me’s mindset of always having my mother close by to rely on and walk me through life when in reality, I need to stand on my own too feet. Too often I forget that I have the space now to really embrace all of my identities in full, and that leaves me feeling like a kid, if that makes sense.
Anyways, I applaud you for being selfish, after all, as we’re the ones who determine who has access to what part of ourselves. I really appreciate you sharing your story!
Here’s to being nineteen!!
I don’t think anybody really has an idea of how they become their own person, and whoever they are they’re lying. The best they can do is guess on the answer, and give that as the definitive answer. I too, feel like I’m lost on who I really am, or how I should become a person I can respect. But I guess it won’t happen like a eureka moment. It has to be done day by day. Life will give you time to figure it out. It’s okay to not know anything, so long as you strive to learn. Good luck on your journey.
Thank you for sharing all of this. I am also a non-binary lesbian and it makes me happy to know that there are others around. I also really relate to you around the coming out to your mom part. My family knows I am a lesbian, and some of my siblings know I use they/them pronouns. I don’t know if my mom knows or not, I don’t know if she has picked up on it or what she thinks. I don’t want to tell her, I don’t want to relive the denial and hurt that was coming out. I just want to exist as myself.
I think it is so awesome that you shared all of this! I think everyone discovers themselves in their own way and understand it a little bit different. I even believe that we find who we truly are when the time is right. We begin to love ourselves and understand even with imperfections, which we all, we’re perfect in our own way! In my stance I feel like I thought I had found myself but am slowly discovering I may not have yet! We’re all in this together!
This was an amazing read. As someone who struggled with identity, I can reate to this. In my case I absorbed personalities from people around me and made them my own, but along the same journey your own, I grew out of that and am slowly starting to find out who I am truly am.