I sit here trying to scour through my mind for anything substantial that my brain can focus on. I was trying to find a meaningful topic relating to my identity and phenomenology. But the truth is I am exhausted. I know I am not alone- many that read this may work and do school fulltime as well, and you know how draining the two can be. Most of the times when I am exhausted, I just want to distance myself from my body and mind. I can go days navigating the world, accomplishing the academic and work goals that I am expected to meet, without feeling fully conscious or present in my own mind. I lose massive chunks of my life to the draining monotony of exhaustion, depression, and the unconsciousness that follows.
I think this recurring issue is why I have always struggled with my identity. I just don’t have the time to think for myself. The structure we live in expects us to push our bodies to it’s limits, just to cling on to the hope of a future. When I’m not working, or going to lectures, or studying, or driving, I just want to sleep. Sometimes I feel as though I do not remember who I am. Do I have any hobbies? Do I even have an identity that I can look back to? Have I ever felt like I know who I am?
I know the answer is yes and given some more rest, I know I could write about the life that has shaped me. But my body aches, my head pounds, and my mind whirls. Exhaustion has the power to remove every thought from someone’s head, but anxiety pushes one forward. I have to finish this assignment. I have to get through this shift. And while I feel every ounce of exhaustion and panic that crosses my mind, I become numb to myself. It’s a dichotomy that works in tandem, lurching my body forward to a goal that isn’t even defined.
And tomorrow I will wake, well rested, and reread these ramblings and cringe. “Why was she so angsty? Man, was I really that tired?” Then I will start the cycle again, blissfully ignorant to the impending exhaustion that will slowly build once I step foot into work.
Unruly Bodies 
I feel this, while I don’t have much to say myself, there are days that seem unending or they go by so fast that I miss out on what I need to do because of how tiring day to day can be. Expecting us to work full throttle, whether it may be school or work can be really draining. My job had a new assistant manager come in this spring and he’s absolutely useless when you aren’t one of his new hires that came in to our job after him, letting him know about schedule availability changes is absolutely exhausting when he doesn’t listen in the first place. Since then I’ve been working almost over 24 hours of my weekend at my job for the last SIX months because of him.
I could not relate more. Since COVID i feel as though i have never been well rested. I have never gotten enough sleep. Every day drags on to the point where i cannot think anymore. While i know i am not alone, i still feel as though i am not allowed to feel these things. I think that i am not worthy of being tired because i have had more on my plate before. I have had more to do. I have had more class work. While i know i am not alone i still seek the validation of these feelings within myself.
I 100% agree. I have never been more exhausted in my life. School consumes all of my waking moments. If I am not doing schoolwork or studying I am at softball practice. Softball takes up so much of my time it is insane. My body also aches and I have constant headaches, so I totally understand that feeling. I also struggle with anxiety and that consumes much of my life. You are not alone.
I want to let you know that there are people, including myself, out there that understand what you’re going through. It felt like you described word-for-word an experience I have had personally, and I know how draining it can be just existing. I know that people have probably given you advice and you’ve done things to try to help yourself, but I’d like to offer what helped me. Truly, without hesitation, live in the moment. Live in every single moment, and find ways to connect yourself to the present. It can be hard, not letting yourself go numb and blank. But connecting myself to the physical world around me kept me grounded. I hope you can rest soon.
I couldnt relate to you more. Finding extra energy outside of work and school sometimes feels impossible and I always feel like im on go with no destination. Sometimes its hard to even fall asleep because im already thinking about how I have to go to work when I wake up.