TW: Restrictive eating/ED
From the time I could chew my diet was heavily restricted. There were rules for what foods were okay and what foods were not – the latter being a far longer list. My mother had a goal to raise her children on only “nutritious” food. Desserts were for special occasions, vegetables were the focus of every meal, organic only, no GMOs, no processed foods, no refined or added sugars. Even raisin bran was considered unhealthy because the raisins had added sugar; so instead our version of raisin bran consisted of low sugar bran flakes with raisins to be added in separately.
The pressure to eat healthy followed me around everywhere, not just inside the home. At sleepovers with friends when dinners consisted of any “bad” food, I would often go without eating if there was no alternative. As a result of both this disordered relationship with food as well as genetics, I was skinny and it became my identity.
I felt as though my thinness made me more deserving of my mother’s love. She took pride in how willingly I adhered to her strict food rules. When other parents would complain about not being able to get their children to eat vegetables, my mother would boast that they were practically all I ate. My sister on the other hand, had the build of a normal healthy child and received the opposite treatment from my mother. My mom would constantly talk to me behind my sister’s back about how she was concerned on how “chubby” her 6-year-old daughter was getting. She began refusing my sister snacks even on special occasions.
It was through these conversations with my mom that I became even more conscious of my food consumption, terrified that if I were to gain weight, she would treat me like my sister. Eventually, my restriction exceeded that of which was encouraged by my parents. I started skipping breakfast and lunch on the weekdays when they wouldn’t notice. On nights where I was in charge of making my own dinner, I’d go without it as well.
As a dancer, I received so many positive comments on my sickly body. My teachers would compliment me or make comments on how they wish their bodies were as thin as mine. Ballet also gave me a chance to constantly critique my own body, standing in a room covered in mirrors in nothing but a leotard 7 days a week. My classmates would make fun of me for my stick like legs and my protruding ribcage, but by then even the negative remarks fueled the disorder; they were simply affirmation on the one trait I let consume my entire identity.
Throughout all of this, I was so unaware that I was being unhealthily restrictive. I even diagnosed myself with a food addiction because of how often I thought of food and how I was unable to restrict as much as I wanted to. It took major life events and years of separation from my mother for me to realize I was sick and then a couple more years for me to forgive my mom for her influence on the development of my fear of food.
Unruly Bodies 
Growing up with a mother who was very much into fitness and dieting, i too was exposed to an unhealthy relationship with food. Often times when i would leave my parents supervision i would over indulge in the food they restricted me from eating so much that i would make myself sick. Because of how many times i have been told growing up that my eating habits were not good enough i began to question my body. I wondered how people looked at me and if they thought i was fat. I walked around as a teenager almost 20 pounds underweight for where i should have been just so I could satisfy the demands set on how my body should look and to try to prove to my parents that i was “eating well”.
This piece really hit me, especially when you started talking about how your mother was treating your sisters poorly, because they were not as thin as she wanted them to be. As a parent you should have unconditional love for your children no matter what they do or look like. I’m happy that you were able to realize the shift that you needed to make in order to progress in your life.
Thanks for sharing,
I also had similar experiences with my own mother growing up. She went through many phases were she would completely cut out sugar, dairy, or gluten etc. As a kid it can be pretty hard to cope with such extreme sudden changes. I was also on the skinnier side growing up and I remember my shoulder blades would noticeably stick out of my back because of it. The girls in my dance class would say it looked like I had “wings” which made me uncomfortable.
Thank you for sharing your story, I think what you have experienced very much relates to food anxiety, something that is very prevalent in todays society. Generally I think there are no good and bad foods, they are just calories- but think of it this way, running 1 mile on concrete vs running 1 mile on sand are gonna be completely different, although you achieve the same result- 1 mile. Same can be said about calories in food. I think that society is concerned with how they are perceived to the point where they are doing damage to their body and trying to confine to the stick figure “perfect” body image that is portrayed in shows, advertisements, etc. To add to that, many people can’t even enjoy food, they get so caught up in eating ice cream or cookies like “Oh man I really shouldn’t even be doing this” That they can’t even enjoy it! Then they hate themselves and say well I already f*cked up so I might as well have the shake and the burger- what if you just ENJOYED the ice cream? What’s life without fun? A good rule to follow is the 80/20 rule, but even if you fail you shouldn’t look down on yourself for doing so- just enjoy the burger.
Hi poster,
I find this post interesting because growing up I don’t feel that I was raised in a very health conscious way. My mom didn’t understand much about nutrition and only really presented it to us in a very limited view (broccoli is good, cookies are bad). Now as an adult I’ve had to work hard to inform myself on how to best take care of my health and what foods are the healthiest. What’s interesting to me is that my journey to eat healthier has actually brought so much positive change in my own life, not just physically but mentally as well. While eating healthier has made me an overall happier person with way more energy, I see that the obsession with healthy food is doing the opposite for others. I see that the clear difference here is the sense of autonomy over our health/life and who the work is being done for. When we do these things for ourselves, it nourishes our body and mind. When we do it for others only, it hurts your spirits and can even make you sick. I hope that you may take back ownership over your body and health and find joy in eating what you feel nourishes your body and mind!
I kind of have that same problem, but on the other end of the spectrum. My parents never forced me to eat healthy and always obliged when I wanted chicken nuggets instead of whatever they were having for dinner. I could get away with not eating what was prepared for everyone else, so that became a habit to the point where it is now hard to reverse. I indulged myself when I had a chocolate craving or wanted something salty. I was very insecure about my body at a very young age, aware of how chubby I was (my sister called it my baby fat). But it was hard for me to do anything about it. I’m a dancer as well, so I know how uncomfortable looking at yourself in a leotard can be, and we’re not the only ones. There was a time when I would wear a long sleeved sweater over my leotard even in warm weather because I hated my arms and was insecure of my stomach.
So I know how you feel about having an unhealthy relationship with food. I criticize myself every time I binge on snack food. I’ve learned to try not to give a shit about what others may or may not think about my body, but that guilt filled relationship I have with food is still there.
But there has to be a happy medium, right? Between overeating “junk food” and starving yourself?
I think we’ll get there eventually. We just have to take care of ourselves and maybe even ask for help.
Wow, this really hit home for me as a person with extremely shared experience. Between the pressures from my mother and the pressures from the dance world, it took me an incredibly long time to even recognize that I had a problem. I still get nervous drinking soda as a 19 year old, as if my mom will appear from around the corner and catch me. I was so surrounded by disordered eating in the dance world as well that it truly just seemed normal.
I can relate to this post in many ways, except for me it was due to traumatic experiences. I always grew up fairly normal, very underweight when I hit high school. I was depressed then, eating barely a plate of food, also didn’t like candy, soda, and sweets as a child. Then, in my adulthood, having some things happen to me at a very young age, I used food as my coping mechanism. I relied on comfort foods, and now weigh the heaviest I have been, and all I look to is diet culture, gym influencers on how I can take better care of myself… not even know that it starts with the mind and the body will follow. I’m sorry you had to experience that growing up, and I hope that you are able to realize how much of a great person you are, even if you eat what you truly want! 🙂 You deserve to have a healthy relationship with food and yourself, and I hope it gets easier for you.
There’s a lot of people here who have commented on the eating disorder itself, but one of the things that stood out to me in your story was how your mother would talk to you behind your sister’s back, about your sister. Have you ever heard the term emotional incest? It sounds terrible, I know, but is really just defining when a parent uses a child for adult purposes – such as discussing their other children, venting, or otherwise depending on a child to regulate their emotions. Your mother should not have been having those conversations with you, period, about any subject, and the fact that she did so over something so personal to you and your sister makes it especially insidious. I hope you are now able to realize that you were not responsible for your mother’s feelings or actions.
I can significantly relate to this post. I have been forced to practice restrictive eating since I was 10 years old. Though my restrictive eating did not lead to a eating disorder that affected my weight, it led to my love-hate relationship with food today. Something as simple as thinking about what to have for dinner can make me angry. Thank you for the phrase “restrictive eating” never heard that before, but it definitely resonates with me. My low A1C was a bragging right for my mother. Guess it somehow validated her parenting skills. Sometimes parents do things under the umbrella of being a good parent when they have no idea of how negatively it is affecting the child. As another reply said, we all deserve to have a healthy relationship with food.