I’m from Seattle, when I was growing up, I wasn’t exactly…popular. I got used to being the outsider, I made a friend or two, but I still felt like I didn’t fit in.
I moved to DC when I was 13, a critical age in development, where change, no matter how much, makes an impact. Not only was I depressed from this move, I was distanced from what I thought were friends and half my family. I experienced culture shock and was mainly isolated from everyone at middle school. I was new, spoke “white”, I dressed funny, I’m heavy-set, and I wasn’t as pretty as most girls at school. I was picked on and due to my depression I lashed out on anyone I could. I apologize to my mother every chance I get.
Moving on to high school, I still felt like I didn’t fit in. I felt different and always in my skin. The only important thing about my high school years is that I found my best friends and I don’t want to lose them. Between the years of high school and the first year of college, I found that all my friends were finding out who they were. Trans*, Bi, Gay, Non-Binary, etc., while I stayed the same person as before. While I’m still stuck in my self-consciousness and fear, they found their courage and found out who they were and where they belong.
Society demands us to know who we are and to live with a purpose set in mind. While I’m completely clueless, everyone finds out who they are, and I’m left wondering…who am I? What’s my purpose? Am I doing life correctly? What should I be doing? Am I really happy? Will I ever experience what my friends do? Will I truly be happy? Is life worth living?
I feel like I can help almost anyone around me find a purpose for them to be happy and to keep pressing forward. But when it comes to me, I really don’t know. When it comes to finding out who I am, I am so afraid to label myself. Whenever I think I find a label good enough, it doesn’t feel right. Am I cis? Am I trans*? Am I really pan? Am I really good at anything? I always second guess myself whenever it comes to anything pertaining to me. I’m afraid and anxious about what I should do and how I should act.
Though I have all of these things I am afraid about, here are some things I am certain about, which help me get through the day. I am 22, I love music, I am a good friend, I have friends and family who love me, and I’m trying my best. That there is some purpose for me in the future, even if I haven’t found it yet. And for right now that feels like enough.
Unruly Bodies 
Shanice,
I can most certainly say, without a doubt in my mess of a mind, that I can fully relate to you. It’s important at such a time in life to know what you want, who you are and more importantly who you’re going to be. But once in a blue moon I’ll catch wind of the reassuring thought that time is a social construct, and now is all that you can pay attention to. Tomorrow will be tomorrow regardless but now-is up to the next anxious, pensive thought. And sometimes those thoughts lead you to exactly where you belong and next to who you’re meant to be near! Loved your post, thank you.
Moving is always such a scary time, everything uprooted for the prospect of a a new beginning. Especially when you’re young, I sympathize in the feeling of everyone around you seeming to change and morph into their identity and who they are and you feel as if… You haven’t moved at all! Thank you for sharing such vulnerability in something as your worry about your identity. The best piece of advice I’ve had to consistently remind myself, and as corny as it seems, life isn’t a race. Cultural and society norms have glorified “figuring out everything about yourself” by your teenage years, but that’s not exactly the case. There is nothing wrong with taking your life and identity at a pace that suits you best. Also no matter how many individuals will say otherwise, don’t feel pressure in having a “set” identity, if you use a label and as time continues it doesn’t fit you, it’s okay to change or look for another that feels comfortable. Your life, your identity, and the labels you use are your own, your “clothes”, if you will. Don’t panic if they don’t fit anymore or you have to get some new ones, oh and don’t hesitate to accessorize how you want.
i really liked reading this i definitly felt the pressure of trying to lable myself based on identity labels formy sexuality gender and such and in the process it became was more of my identitiy then i wanted it too. really enjoyed reading the peice