Poems

Rage like Banner

In my mind I have rage like Hulk.

I have the rage everyday

I want to roar, smash, and destroy.

But the reality is I am just merely Bruce Banner.

I appear to keep calm to keep peace.

I deny myself love to not reveal the monster inside.

Can I allow myself to be the Hulk? 

Do I need to release the Hulk?

Do I have to keep being Bruce Banner?

As many other students can agree, the school year has snowballed from bad to worse in terms of stress and school work. Whether the cause is due to adjusting back to in-person classes or it’s just the regular amount of course work. We are incredibly stressed out. We have exams, essays, labs, study groups, projects, etc. We are stressed out, we are tired. And of course, I myself have projects and essays that take a bunch of time and energy.

That being said, I say I don’t have a bunch of time, but love to spend time doing something else. As someone else said, human’s have the desire to be busy and to have tasks. Being a human, I have this need to being doing something important and a task that needs to be completed quickly. And obviously, as a student, it is a requirement to be busy, that is the reason I am here. But when I have moments when I should be doing work, I’m doing everything else.

During one of our classes in the past week, in a passing question, we were asked about down time, and how we should manage time to decompress, and relax. I thought about this a lot. The short answer: I don’t, I have horrible time management. But as I thought about the question more, I feel like I personally have a skewed sense of the line of procrastination and decompress/break time. This is something I need to sort out myself, I’m sure that other people have this sorted out.

Whenever I sit down to work on a project, I have everything I need laid out in-front of me. I have time, I have materials, I have energy. But from result of having other work, being tired or stress, I would like to have time between projects to relax. I find the breaks I take between projects are so long, so long to the point where I push too close to the due date of an assignment. When I’m taking that time to take a break between projects, I feel immense amount of shame, self-hatred, and disappointment in me not doing my work. When this wave of feelings come by I have a panic or all those feelings, and then it dissipates as I try to go back to the decompressing activity that I’m doing.

It’s just a frustration that I have as a student and an individual. Having so many projects to do that I get stressed out. This is also where I have a problem with procrastination. I have assignments to do, I wait until the last minute to do a problem, because I want to do things that are fun and relax me. This makes me wonder if I’m actually taking time to decompress or to just goof around and waste time because I don’t want to work. And I guess it’s technically both at some points? But I know there are moments where I can’t control that I got whisked away by something. I guess mentally, I want to be so far removed from stress, that I can’t think about it until I have those sharp moments of stress and panic.

What ever I’m actually doing. I hope I can figure out this problem of mine soon. I have two more semesters, and I would have to have anymore pangs of stress.

Can I post this blog? Am I allowed to write about this topic? Is this a good topic?

Everyone is an individual who has the agency to do as they please. Some situations, certain locations, and laws change what people are able to do. If I could change the situations that people are in and be able to give agency, I would. I believe that people should have agency.

I, on the other hand, have a problem acting on my own.

I find myself asking for permission or notifying people about my actions. I’ve created a world for myself to ask people if I can do certain actions. I ask permission from my friends and family if it’s okay if I eat a certain food. I let people know I’m going to the bathroom even if it’s no one’s business. Everytime I want to buy something, I refer to my friends and mother. They always tell me the same three things: “It’s your money, get what you want”, “Do you think you need it?”, or “No, you would be better saving money for something else”. I know they will give me the same answers. My mind wants to have permission for the actions, feelings, and reasons I have.

It almost feels like my body isn’t mine. Or that I need permission to exist in the space I already take up. I resist myself to only do what I know what I’m allowed to do, and if I don’t know, I’ll ask. I can’t tell if it’s due to my identity and it’s intersectionality. Or due to how I grew up to be polite, so my body policed itself to be overly polite to always ask to make a move. Am I afraid to act because it will reflect all the people I represent? Or am I afraid to act because I’m afraid to be rude?

This all makes me realize I need to take agency back for me and my body. Don’t apologize for the space I take up or ask anyone if I need permission for space. I’m starting to break out of this mental shell. I start taking actions without trying to explain the reason behind my actions. I want to be better about asking to do stuff. I tend to ask if I can eat a certain food or if I’m allowed to sit in a certain spot. I want to be able to plan a whole day where I try not to ask anyone what I should do and if I should do it. I have a goal in mind to be more independent and not let myself lose agency.

Should I do it?

I’m from Seattle, when I was growing up, I wasn’t exactly…popular. I got used to being the outsider, I made a friend or two, but I still felt like I didn’t fit in.

I moved to DC when I was 13, a critical age in development, where change, no matter how much, makes an impact. Not only was I depressed from this move, I was distanced from what I thought were friends and half my family. I experienced culture shock and was mainly isolated from everyone at middle school. I was new, spoke “white”, I dressed funny, I’m heavy-set, and I wasn’t as pretty as most girls at school. I was picked on and due to my depression I lashed out on anyone I could. I apologize to my mother every chance I get.

Moving on to high school, I still felt like I didn’t fit in. I felt different and always in my skin. The only important thing about my high school years is that I found my best friends and I don’t want to lose them. Between the years of high school and the first year of college, I found that all my friends were finding out who they were. Trans*, Bi, Gay, Non-Binary, etc., while I stayed the same person as before. While I’m still stuck in my self-consciousness and fear, they found their courage and found out who they were and where they belong.

Society demands us to know who we are and to live with a purpose set in mind. While I’m completely clueless, everyone finds out who they are, and I’m left wondering…who am I? What’s my purpose? Am I doing life correctly? What should I be doing? Am I really happy? Will I ever experience what my friends do? Will I truly be happy? Is life worth living?

I feel like I can help almost anyone around me find a purpose for them to be happy and to keep pressing forward. But when it comes to me, I really don’t know. When it comes to finding out who I am, I am so afraid to label myself. Whenever I think I find a label good enough, it doesn’t feel right. Am I cis? Am I trans*? Am I really pan? Am I really good at anything? I always second guess myself whenever it comes to anything pertaining to me. I’m afraid and anxious about what I should do and how I should act.

Though I have all of these things I am afraid about, here are some things I am certain about, which help me get through the day. I am 22, I love music, I am a good friend, I have friends and family who love me, and I’m trying my best. That there is some purpose for me in the future, even if I haven’t found it yet. And for right now that feels like enough.