There was always someone trying to tell me who I should be. I should claim my white side more than my Filipina side. I should be this person that they want me to be. Erasing a part of me that existed solely for their approval, because on the outside I didn’t “look the part”. Even though I had all of the qualities, all of the cultural traditions; the only difference was that I was American and not from the island itself. I looked in the mirror, and never accepted parts of me for the sake of having friends. I tried to change the clothes I wore, my entire style and what made me ‘me’, and despite all of the effort, it still was never enough.

Now that I have stopped conforming, started accepting the part of me that I hid for a long time, everyone still has opinions on what I look like, what I should and should not claim about me. Being a mixed race is not for your debate–my experiences, my culture, and my looks have no business being up for your “approval”. I should not have to change who I am, my entire life, my body, the way I talk, all for people that will never be open to accepting me anyway. I felt like there should be no side to pick, that I should just be who I am, simply. But, the consequence was never fitting in anywhere, never being able to identify with my White peers, and my Filipino peers. You’re not white enough, or you’re not Filipino enough. Splitting me down the middle like an axe to wood. It was hard growing up around others who all fit into a clique, a group, somewhere they could belong, while I was always the floater. Jumping from friend group to friend group, but never truly settling for those I could call friends. Still, I often find myself being judged for the way I was made, and it makes me wonder who I need to be in this world to accepted, respected, and loved.