My entire life, I have struggled with who I am–an alpha. I was raised with this mentality by my dad, he taught me to take up space and to be the alpha female. Granted, this caused us to argue and bump heads like you wouldn’t imagine, but despite that, he made me feel as if I can do anything. Even in a society that doesn’t appreciate women and doesn’t allow them to try and take up space, I still do so. I am blunt, smart, fierce, but also emotionally intelligent, resilient, soft, and empathetic. THAT is what makes women, women. We are capable of both sides, being strong and providing while also being able to comprehend and understand someone’s feelings and emotions about a situation. We are superior and are incredible.

For me personally, this can also be a double-edged sword when it comes to taking up space in your own relationships. Always being the leader in every situation, being the informer, the overthinker. Always two steps ahead of everyone, even my own boyfriend. Having two dominant people in one relationships is hard, and taking up space where it isn’t wanted creates so much conflict. Conflict in ways that he feels inferior to you, or feels that he should always be the problem-solver and not you. When you are completely capable of handling it yourself. It is a hard situation to navigate, and it is hard to find someone that embraces that about you instead of putting you down for it. Taking up space feels powerful, until it doesn’t. Despite this feeling, you should always continue to take up space–you will eventually find the space that takes you.

This post is kind of like a diary of how I currently feel. Lately, all I want to do is isolate myself from everything. The pressure of graduating in a year is really starting to hit me, and it feels like I should start figuring everything out, yet feels so far away. Sometimes it’s hard to stay grounded and not lose focus of the end goal. It’s really been hard to manage time and emotions, especially after the pandemic getting right back into the routine of things has been hard, even a whole year later…

Also, it feels like for some reason as you get older, people start to kind of disappear from your life. Maybe it’s a me thing, i’m not so sure to be honest, but I feel like as I get older, the less family I see, the less friends I have, and the more involved with being alone I am. Am I an introvert and didn’t know it? I used to love socializing and interacting with friends, but lately it feels different. It feels like everyone has a secret agenda or a way they feel about you but don’t want to say it. I guess it’s harder for me to find genuine connection, and when I do, I get really attached and feel like I am overwhelming people. It’s just been hard to find my space and figure things out… but I’m optimistic it won’t always be like this. It’s just a season of my life that I have to go through.

Beautiful just the way we are.

No matter how much I think I have my body “under control”, I just simply don’t. I struggle day in and day out with the idea of looking perfect, and to everyone elses expectations of what a woman’s body should look like. Instagram isn’t doing me any favors, neither is TikTok, or Twitter; let’s just say the internet in general. It seems that no matter how many calories I track, how much I weigh when I step on the scale, how good I look that day, I’m just simply unhappy with my body.

I think not only does it stem from the pressure of society, but the weight from myself when I compare to other good looking women that everyone seems to want. Everyone wants to be their friend, their significant other, they’re wanted. I am simply… not (at least in my mind). I try to pretend like I am happy with what I look like, and who I am is enough, but it is just lies and is simply not true. Thoughts deceive me every time I think I have made progress to loving my body, and being what they consider “body positive”. Shrinking myself to be close to the weight I used to be, while torturing myself by not having the foods I want and crave. It all seems too much to bare sometimes. So. Much. Pressure. Especially if you workout. Instead of just wanting to get your body moving, now you’re focusing on if you see any results, if you gained any muscle but lost any fat. If you met your macros and calories for the day. Being “healthy” is being in a caloric deficit apparently.

Being who we are SHOULD BE ENOUGH. Being funny and smart and would do anything for anyone, even if it was a stranger on the street. Having compassion should be enough. Being there for your loved ones should be enough. It’s about what you DO in this life, not how you physically appear to others. I want to be healthy, but for ME. Not so I can look good for anyone else, but so I can physically feel better. I admit my choices in my diet aren’t the best, but life is also too short to give a crap about that. I want to enjoy moments that I may never get back, and people I love, not have to worry about bringing my own meals to an event to be able to “hit my goals” so they say. It all seems like there has to be a better way to be healthy. I guess the first step is to accept yourself and do the inner work, the outer work won’t happen without it.

There was always someone trying to tell me who I should be. I should claim my white side more than my Filipina side. I should be this person that they want me to be. Erasing a part of me that existed solely for their approval, because on the outside I didn’t “look the part”. Even though I had all of the qualities, all of the cultural traditions; the only difference was that I was American and not from the island itself. I looked in the mirror, and never accepted parts of me for the sake of having friends. I tried to change the clothes I wore, my entire style and what made me ‘me’, and despite all of the effort, it still was never enough.