Now hopefully everyone gets the story behind the title, right? And if not, this infamous quote came from no other than Oprah Winfrey when to interviewing Meghan Markle in Oprah with Meghan and Harry: A CBS Primetime Special. With that being said, for a good portion of my life, maybe 18 years, I thought I was in full control of my life, but I truly wasn’t. To give an example, it was my friends, my friends’ parents and I just hanging out in their backyard, just chatting it up a couple weeks ago when it was brought to my attention. We were discussing about how this country has been set up, politics and even how families are set up over here. (I am Nigerian, and my friends are all Caribbean, so we have a different family dynamic compared to Americans). However, whenever I spoke to talk, I would sometimes cut off one of the parents, and would instantly start apologizing and like a robot I kept quiet and just nodded when I needed to or was asked. After the conversation, my friend’s mother (who happens to have a degree in psychology) pulled me to the side and literally hugged me and said, “This is a safe space, you don’t have to keep quiet, restrict yourself, or think that your comments don’t hold weight in a conversation amongst adults… because they do.” I literally stood blank for 30 seconds at her and didn’t know what to say. I have never in my life been told that by an adult. Ever. After talking to her, for two hours with a lot of tears and mental shocks, I noticed that I was “silenced” my whole life. I’ve been told to obedient, never talk back, speak your mind (but don’t especially around elders and men), I’ve been basically raised to be a Stepford wife. It was overwhelming that I felt like I have control over my whole life, and that I perceived myself in a certain way, but in reality, I was being puppeteered around and brainwashed to believe that my voice weighed nothing, and as a black woman in America we already down the totem pole when it comes to that. To this day, I’m trying to regain my voice, my confidence, and break the bondage of the lack of reality I had.
Unruly Bodies 
I relate so hard to the moment where you realized that you have been silenced your whole life. It can be so uncomfortable to realize, especially when, like you said, you’ve had an entire other image of yourself in your mind the whole time. As I’ve gotten older, I have tried to pay closer attention to when I get cut off the most, or silence myself more than usual. It’s usually around men, or adults that I feel are “above me” (even though no one is above me, we’re all the same). I know how hard it can be, but I really encourage you to try and be even LOUDER in those moments (if it’s safe to do so). Start cutting other people off, or if they do it to you, continue to speak over them as they try to get their words in. Everything you have to say holds value, and no one can take that away from you. Black women in America have been spoken over and spoken for for far too long. Reclaim your space. Be confident that you are meant to be in the settings that you are, and your words and ideas are just as important and interesting as everyone else’s in the room. Also, I know it might be hard, but try not to be down on yourself for being in that mindset/situation before. All that matters is that you are noticing now, and choosing better for yourself. SPEAK UP.
This is such an interesting viewpoint. It really is. My dynamic is a little different, but I was silenced too! One day I woke up and said “fuck this.” and I started talking and communicating my thoughts around my family. Interestingly, I received a different view of life. My family, at first, was reluctant and could not understand, but they started to facilitate acttualll conversations. They started to ask my thoughts on things I cared about. I was no longer an outsider looking in and being too afraid to speak up or use my voice. It was literally the best decision of my life because I am no longer walking on egg shells or timing my words. I always think to myself that the ones I admire are always the ones that speak. I want to be a person I admire.
I hope you found your voice and continue to use it! Great post.
I feel like I’ve been struggling with this my whole life as well and I’m still not comfortable with speaking up. Even in the the right kinds of situations and are safe spaces I’d rather just not speak and it’s something that I’ve been battling my entire life. I do believe that in foreign households responding or speaking on a “grown topic” is kind of considered disrespectful. It’s almost like you had to have an invite into the conversation even if you were sitting right there the whole time. It’s kind of ridiculous. Unfortunate of all this only really applies to the women in the family because when the boys grow up they’ll have a seat at the table right next to their dad. Yet the daughter will not have the same odds.