The idea of being grounded and being you is something I’ve always found difficult to process, this being the split of mind and body in a sense. Growing up my body meant everything and nothing to me, I never liked it and I never noticed its existence aside from what it was able to do for me until people started to notice only that about me. In a world that values mind over body it’s hard to conceptualize that sometimes. It feels like the world only values your mind when your body is normal, the standard, or desirable, this in many ways translates to my experience of fatphobia.
Since I was four I’ve always had a weight problem that my parents attributed to the consumption of poptarts, and then later high sugar cereals that were branded as “healthy”. The idea that weight and health were strongly correlated has been pushed and etched into my mind by society everyday, inevitably manifesting itself into mental health problems. So as I got older and my problem was just exacerbated by the stress of classes, depression caused by my weight and other factors, and my response to my sexual assault, food became something to help me cope, and then became something I hated because it turned into the cause for every foreseeable problem in my life. The toxicity of how society perceives fat bodies and food translates into the idea that fat people should starve inorder to be “healthy”. Taking this idea into account, if society truly cared about the health of a fat body, society wouldn’t be pushing the idea that fat people need to starve themselves, which causes an array of eating disorders.
After being in my fat body it was only until quarantine that I was able to focus on myself and address my mental health problem, after doing this, and finally recognizing this I was able to then make the conscious decision of whether I wanted to lose weight or not. Losing or gaining weight should never be for the conscious eye of society as you will never be able to find validation within other people. After losing so much weight I still wake up everyday disgusted with myself and surprised by the number on the scale. But what is more important is that I am less disgusted everyday that I see myself. Everything is a process, and so is acceptance.
Unruly Bodies 
Acceptance is such a big part, you are so right. I was always skinny for most of my life until COVID hit and I had Anxiety which resulted in massive weight gain (from 160LB to 240LB) and I’m 5’11. I noticed just how much less respect I was getting and how I was being treated changed as well, everyone commented on my size and constantly reminded me of being overweight. I’d often think YEAH I know I literally see it every day you don’t need to constantly belittle me and make me feel bad by politely or indirectly calling me fat. The thing is though I was kind of glad I gained all this weight, I have a really supportive girlfriend that was literally the only one that didn’t comment on my size. I learned that seeking validation for others is uselsss, I don’t give a f*ck what other people think. This is what gaining weight helped me realize, that I was way too dependent on what other people thought of me- I don’t care anymore, If I want to lose weight It will be because I am doing it for bettering myself and not because everyone is telling me too. I’m currently happy and content this way.
The peer pressure from losing weight always come from the more selfish people. It’s not the fault of other people that they don’t want to see unhealthy people, rather it’s their fault for pushing their toxic view onto others and expecting to conform to their preferences. Yeah, people are fat, deal with it. Your “concern” is rooted in your superiority complex, and not out of actual concern. I’m happy for you for finding peace within yourself.
I really love how open and honest you are with the process/journey of self-acceptance. I’m glad that you were able to recognize how important it is to accept yourself, and change yourself because you actually want to. I think in a lot of ways social media or society in general has put this pressure on us to want to want to lose weight or start a “clean lifestyle,” but it isn’t always a genuine WANT to do so within us. We’re subconsciously changing our lifestyles for the sole factor that society needs us to be smaller. Getting past the need to feel that validation from others can be so freeing and allow you to actually pay attention to what healthy looks like on your own body, on your own person, because it is not the same for everyone. Please know and feel in your heart that you are beautiful in all forms, and whether you decide to lose weight or not does not change that fact. Be patient and kind with yourself.
It’s interesting how the pandemic almost put the world on pause. Like you, I had some massive realizations around the way I spoke to myself and my overall mental health, I think because I no longer had the distractions of daily life to avoid them. It’s so easy to fall into this feedback loop where you gain weight for some reason, which affects your mental health, which then makes you gain more weight. I experienced it when dealing with depression and anxiety, and have friends that went through the same thing. But like you said, acceptance is a process, and I think the fact that you are aware of that and giving yourself grace and patience will go a long way in that process.