Something I have always struggled with, like a lot of people, is my mental health. And I feel like there’s so many levels to this shit, that sometimes I can’t tell which part I’m actually struggling with. Is it the mental illness itself? It’s symptoms? Or is it me literally recognizing the presence of it?
I’ve had depression ever since middle school. Probably before, but nothing that I can really remember (I think I either subconsciously blocked out parts of my childhood, or I just have a shit memory). I’ve been through the motions of not being able to get myself out of bed, sleeping my days away, not being able to eat, focus, care about anything. I’ve lived in a depression hole of a room for months at a time, and struggled with keeping up with general hygiene (which grossed me out while it was happening and kind of just created this cycle of self hatred for not being able to complete simple tasks). Somewhere along the way, I decided that I needed to do something about feeling like absolute ass all day everyday. I was losing sight of who I was, the very little sight that I had, and becoming someone that I didn’t even recognize. It was time to try something new.
Now here I am, years later, and what I would consider to be a generally happy person. I’ve worked on healing my inner child, reframing the way I think about myself and the world, and how I talk to myself. I even try to fit in some daily exercise when I can (or at least I think about doing it most of the time). But it can be hard for me to remember that it doesn’t just go away. I’m not fixed, although I didn’t ever consider myself to be broken in the first place. It’s frustrating because sometimes I feel like a poser, I don’t have that much to be sad about so why do I feel this way. Which, I know, that’s a terrible way to think about it, I would literally never say that to anyone else. I know that’s not what it is about. I can’t help but be frustrated when I find it hard to get out of bed, or don’t have the mental energy to put into anything. In this stage of my mental health journey, I am working on allowing myself to feel whatever is happening, instead of being frustrated that it is. I’m learning that I have to show up for myself EVERY SINGLE DAY, no matter how hard it is. That doesn’t look the same every day either, and that’s okay. I’m developing my tools to deal with it and live with it, and although I would rather it just not be there altogether, it’s kind of humbling to watch myself learn how to be me in all forms.
Unruly Bodies 
I really enjoyed reading your post and it really resonated with me. Although i do not have any diagnosed mental health concerns, i can relate to your feelings of not wanting to get out of bed somedays, or not preforming your general hygiene routines. Im really glad that you have been trying to feel whatever is happening instead of feeling negatively towards those feelings, i think i can use that mentality as well. Mental health is a lifelong struggle and i’m really happy that you have developed tools that can help you live your life the way you want. Your post has really opened my eyes and i’m glad you have shared your experience as it has definitely helped me, and i’m sure it will help other people in this class. Good luck with the rest of your semester!
Hi, thank you for your post. From your words, I can tell you’re strong through this story and I admire your strength. I resonate with these words and I can relate in many ways, its hard to be the person you need to be everyday. But patience and kind self talk has helped me personally tremendously. I’m glad to hear that you’re doing your best to navigate through the toughness too. Best of luck!
Thank you for your post and for being so vulnerable! I hear my own experience and struggles in your words, so I appreciate that you shared this. I think it’s very easy to underestimate just how hard of a task it is to even realize this about yourself, but then also figure out what steps you need to take to heal and reclaim some of who you are. That takes a lot of work and honesty, so I’m really glad that you’ve been able to make a bit of a journey in the right direction. Wishing you peace and luck in your future path!
This is a wonderful post, friend. I’ve struggled with very similar mental health highs and lows, and the necessary self-kindness and parenting my inner child is something I feel like I need to remind myself of and relearn every few weeks. The cycle of “I feel better, I don’t have to monitor myself quite as much!” and “oh god why do I suddenly feel terrible I was doing so much better” is really insidious and so difficult to manage. Your reminder that we have to show up for ourselves every day and feel our feelings without self-judgement is so important — the symptoms of mental illness are hard to cope with, but when we blame and judge ourselves for having symptoms it only gets harder.