3 years ago I left a v*rb*lly ab*s*ve relationship. I was so young, I remember all I wanted after it was over was someone who loved me. And you did, immensely. I know you still do. And none of our friends understand why, even my dad doesn’t understand why I woke you up last month to break up with you.
Right now I’m thumbing a mark you left on my shoulder, the body remembers. I remember every insult scraping through my ears before you came around. I remember the bruises I resisted and soggy tears before bed from the one before you. And I remember what it felt like to meet you again, every sweet word you said. You were, and are, so much more than anything I ever imagined for myself. In truly terribly irony, you’ve helped me care for myself in such a way that I’ve begun to want more than anyone, even you could give me. I’ve never been so in awe of myself and I’ve never loved you better. I’m sure everyone else thinks it’s twisted, but even now I know you understand me.
I still love the space we made. I still lay in it at night and carry it in my chest during the day. I needed you when I was on the run, for a good night out, for affection, for safety, for truth and distraction. But I know we aren’t on the run anymore, and I’ve never been with someone I didn’t need before. It’s shitty of me I know, and you don’t fully get it now, but believe me we’re holding out for something better. I know now, that I don’t have to earn your love, cook every meal, clean every crevice, look after you as obsessively as I did when we started. That there’s never been room for resentment between us. I just can’t serve you the way I did when I thought I needed to. You offered couples therapy and breakfast every morning and to give yourself the compulsions I’m giving up now. It just wouldn’t be fair. Believe me we’re holding out for something better.
You didn’t mention it when we got coffee last week, but I heard through the grape vine you told our friends that our relationship was a success, bar nothing. God bless you. I don’t know how to write 2 years into 200 words, I don’t know how to convey how agreeable and supportive you’ve always been. Except to say you told me the love hasn’t ended and I know you’re right. I feel it when I walk, when I eat, when I work. I feel my love for myself, that I called it when we’d have plenty to come back to if we wanted. That I trust time to let things turn back in my favor. I remember being trapped in it before, but I’m not that scared little girl anymore. I missed you tonight but I ended it for a reason, and wrote this down instead.
Unruly Bodies 
I clicked on this blog post for the title, it pulled me in. When I started reading though, I already figured I wasn’t going to comment because I’ve never been in a “relationship”. One of the first things that I want to say, is that I really liked how you wrote this. I’m not in any shape a writer like that to know what constitutes good and bad writing. What I do know is that the way you put theses words together, I could feel authenticity, honesty, and emotion. I think I was so satisfied as I was reading this because I didn’t expect it, but I felt comfortable in this space. Even though I have never been in a “relationship”, I have a relationship with my friend AJ. The feelings that we have for each other goes beyond the bounds of friendship and beyond the bounds of anything that doesn’t require complex thought, understanding, self-realization, vulnerability, love, comfortability, and challenge amongst other things. We love each other very intensely and the way that I could try to describe our relationship and love (because even then there is still more to learn about it) often feels like it has no place amongst other day-to-day regular conversation on this topic. Not saying that her and I are the only ones that love each other in this way, but I feel like it would be hard for others to understand. Your post made me feel more comfortable in the complexity of our relationship and how it may be viewed and understood by others. I love, admire, and appreciate your self-realization in that relationship. “I still love the space we made. I still lay in it at night and carry it in my chest during the day.” When I leave this post, this is one thing I’ll take with me. I really connect with this feeling. Even though this wasn’t intended for us, thank you for sharing.