Content warning: Emotional Abuse, shitty highschool relationship
Sometimes I sit and think about what “caused” me to be nonbinary. I used to be so content in my childhood as a girl, where did it all go wrong? As my mom puts it, where did her “daughter” go? Now before you try and stop me, I know that line of thinking is problematic and pathologizing, but sometimes I spiral down that rabbit hole. I want to pinpoint exactly where my relationship with my assigned gender at birth went awry, and to me the answer is clear. I can trace all my problems back to you. You were my first big relationship, my first “I love you”, and also the person who ruined me. You made me question every part of my body, you made me wish I had more curves and bigger tits and less blonde eyebrows. You told me that if I didn’t wear a push up bra to school, you wouldn’t talk to me in the halls. If I didn’t draw on eyebrows to make up for the fact mine were so clear, you wouldn’t even look my way. At the young age of 15 you forced “the ideal body” on me so hard I think it broke me. Now my tits are big, I have a “womanly” figure, but I don’t identify as one. And I think that is due to the two years of you constantly sexualizing my young body.
I know, based off the concept of phenomenology (the study of consciousness through the first person experience of events and, well, phenomena), that this did affect me and my view of myself and the world around me. Your forced perspective on my body changed my view of how my own body moves and is perceived by the world around me. Two years of hearing what I needed to change about my physical body makes me move around in the world feeling awkward and being very aware of how people view my pear shaped body. I don’t think I’m attractive and I interact with people as though I truly am physically unattractive. Based off of other experiences I have had since, I know other people think that I am beautiful and that my body is lovely, but the words you said scarred me forever. As I continue to collect more experiences maybe I can put myself further and further from the experience that was you, but it’s been six years and still you affect me.
I know that realistically, and due to phenomenologists, it was not just you who “made” me nonbinary. I know it was probably a combination of experiences I have had, as well as my own personal relationship with gender outside of you that led me to be nonbinary. That being said, I enjoy how easy it is to say that all my identity issues are because of how you treated me. You already are a antagonist in my story, so why not blame you for everything? You would hate me as I am now, and that gives me power, I think (I hope).
Unruly Bodies 
It’s unfortunate that there are gender norms that people have to conform too and even weird that you had a partner that pushed all that at you when u weren’t even fully developed yet; physically and mentally.
Your blog post was very interesting. Showing how gender roles shape our society is an important part of phenomenology. Being able to create the human experience of what a body is. Being a female comes with lots of physical stereotypes, and it creates unhealthy expectations to what bodies look like. This compares to gender. I find it very interesting about how your manipulative ex helped you figure out your gender. Though my question is, do you believe you were born nonbinary? Or do you think your life experiences helped shape your gender identity?
I FEEL THIS SO HARD
being compared to this ideal “gender” that made me miserable made it really hard to like, want to do traditionally male things and perform my “gender” correctly so even now i don’t do it when i can
from my voice to my walk to my clothing choice, all of it is what i want
and if it happens to overlap with gender norms, then i don’t really concern myself with it
thank you for sharing your experience
I definitely relate to your story. All my life, my mom has complained about me not being the girl who wears dresses and bright colors, that I’m not the girl I used to be (when she was able to dress me). My past partners criticized my clothes and body and compared me to my own sister, but when you grow up your experiences shape how you want to present yourself to society. I felt the same as you, so much negativity will cause you to have body image and self-esteem issues. I am proud of you for coming to terms with your past and accepting yourself.You are validated and seen. Your experience is a beautiful journey.
Hi, I relate to your blog post very much. I especially related to your relationship with your mother and not looking up to the expectations of your family when it comes to gender roles. No one should have to deal with pressure from partners or anyone else to conform to their ideal body. Within that kind of abusive relationship, it shifts your own views of your own body even as it changes. As you mention phenomenology, it is confusing and scary how one person can take away your own ability see your body. Thank you for writing this piece because it shows how societal ideals can be channeled through people and also take away our bodily autonomy in a sense.
I often wonder about why exactly I am trans. I’m not even sure I would be comfortable existing as a ciswoman, so why do I feel comfortable as a trans woman? What does that say about my thoughts towards trans identity? My boyfriend says that he thinks I carry myself differently from other women, does that mean I don’t fit in or belong?
I have a lot of doubts and I don’t think they will ever go away. But most days I just try to focus on how I am finally at a place in my life where I can love myself. It’s not really important how or why we get where we are, it’s just important that we like who we are and that we try to work in the direction of the people we want to be.