nonbinary

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you caused me to be nonbinary

Content warning: Emotional Abuse, shitty highschool relationship

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Sometimes I sit and think about what “caused” me to be nonbinary. I used to be so content in my childhood as a girl, where did it all go wrong? As my mom puts it, where did her “daughter” go? Now before you try and stop me, I know that line of thinking is problematic and pathologizing, but sometimes I spiral down that rabbit hole. I want to pinpoint exactly where my relationship with my assigned gender at birth went awry, and to me the answer is clear. I can trace all my problems back to you. You were my first big relationship, my first “I love you”, and also the person who ruined me. You made me question every part of my body, you made me wish I had more curves and bigger tits and less blonde eyebrows. You told me that if I didn’t wear a push up bra to school, you wouldn’t talk to me in the halls. If I didn’t draw on eyebrows to make up for the fact mine were so clear, you wouldn’t even look my way. At the young age of 15 you forced “the ideal body” on me so hard I think it broke me. Now my tits are big, I have a “womanly” figure, but I don’t identify as one. And I think that is due to the two years of you constantly sexualizing my young body.

I know, based off the concept of phenomenology (the study of consciousness through the first person experience of events and, well, phenomena), that this did affect me and my view of myself and the world around me. Your forced perspective on my body changed my view of how my own body moves and is perceived by the world around me. Two years of hearing what I needed to change about my physical body makes me move around in the world feeling awkward and being very aware of how people view my pear shaped body. I don’t think I’m attractive and I interact with people as though I truly am physically unattractive. Based off of other experiences I have had since, I know other people think that I am beautiful and that my body is lovely, but the words you said scarred me forever. As I continue to collect more experiences maybe I can put myself further and further from the experience that was you, but it’s been six years and still you affect me.

I know that realistically, and due to phenomenologists, it was not just you who “made” me nonbinary. I know it was probably a combination of experiences I have had, as well as my own personal relationship with gender outside of you that led me to be nonbinary. That being said, I enjoy how easy it is to say that all my identity issues are because of how you treated me. You already are a antagonist in my story, so why not blame you for everything? You would hate me as I am now, and that gives me power, I think (I hope).

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A Passing Failure

hand waving a white flag against the backdrop of a sky

I am in a classroom, or perhaps at a party, but it doesn’t actually matter. What matters is that I am speaking, and maybe what I’m saying is funny or profound but even meaningless words will bring eyes and thoughts around to the body producing them. After I am done speaking, another voice starts. “As HE said…” The “HE” rings loudly in only my ears though, and to everyone else in the room my passing and my failing go by so quietly as to be unnoticed.

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What’s in a Name?

Image description: A white sheet of paper with the words "Sign here" followed by a dotted line. A tip of a pen hovers over the line.

Names, everyone has one (or several), and a name is used in everyday occurrences. You see your friend walking down the hall, you excitedly yell their name and embarrass or startle them, you see your pet eating something they shouldn’t, you shout their name and chase after them, you get the idea. A lot of people never really think much about their name, it’s their name, their parents gave it to them, case closed, but the issue of names comes up when one’s gender identity is brought to the forefront of their thoughts. As I try to untangle my own understanding of my gender identity, my name becomes an issue.

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To Bind or Not to Bind? That is The Question

This blue and pink image depicts a stereotypical male figure, a half male half female figure, and a stereotypical female figure. The figures are similar to traditional bathroom signs.

Image Source: https://medium.com/@queerquill/what-its-like-living-with-gender-dysphoria-as-a-non-binary-person-81054795a2bd

As a non-binary person, I am locked in a constant and overwhelming struggle of feeling comfortable in my own body. Embodiment theories tell us that our physical body impacts our emotional well-being, and I feel the effects of this phenomenon daily. One tangible representation of this struggle is my experience with binding.

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He or She isn’t for everyone

Pronouns. Pronouns are things that we learned about in grade school and for most people, something they haven’t thought about since (unless we get into learning other languages but that brings up something else entirely). Pronouns are almost always read off the body, which is funny because they actually have nothing to do with bodies. Pronouns are related to gender, so within the gender binary, it makes sense that he/him/his or she/her/hers are the only pronouns people know, and are almost always the pronouns that people read off of others’ bodies. I’m gonna let you in on a little thing called “there are more than two genders” (it’s shocking, I know. I’ll let you think about that for a minute).

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