tldr; i love my family very much
My sister and I have a 10-year age difference. College has put some distance between us but the second she needs me, I’m there for her. Although faint, I remember her first rolling over, her first steps, her first words, her cute outfits, changing her diaper, her Halloween costumes, and much more memories. Thinking about the old times me nostalgic. Oh, how times have changed. Oh, how much worse they got. I would time travel back if I could, without thinking. I wish my sister has a more gentle and kind environment growing up but alas, all families have their problems. At least that’s what I convince myself as I grow older. My family is not perfect but we are very privileged. Our parents go above and beyond for us but who is taking care of them? Especially my mother.
My dad and I fought today. It’s complicated but long story short, my dad’s happiness stems from a clean house and a cooperative family. My mother has been fed up for a while now so she has given up on trying to please my dad. They went to counseling a couple of years ago and they explicitly expressed their unmet needs. My mom asked to be thought of more. To be prioritized more. Today, I told my dad he can’t complain about not having his needs met if he can’t meet her needs. Every couple of months I intervene and try to mediate a conversation but all I do is end up in tears. How can I be there for both of them if they aren’t communicating with each other?
My sister and I have a 10-year age difference. I remember the day she was born. I told my 4th-grade class that morning “My mother is giving birth today”. When I visited my mom at the hospital, she was soaked in sweat. Just now, I am coming to understand how traumatic that day was for her. She had a C-section. She was in labor for a long time but my dad didn’t support her. He stood and watched. She was crying and screaming but he didn’t even come next to her or hold her hand or wipe the hair off her face.
What is the laboring body? How do we support pregnant people? Not everyone has the support and love they need as they go through such a painful yet joyous experience. In Aftershock, the scene that sent me over the edge was the woman giving birth at the birthing center. Rather than looking at it as a procedure, the center focused on the woman and the experience she had. How would my mother’s experience be different if she had a doula or a midwife? How else can I explain to my dad that it’s the little things that matter to my mom, not him building a house for us or investing in properties to save up for their retirement? Instead, he claims that I care more about my mom and that I will always take her side and put him down. How many more times do I have to relive my worst nightmare? How do I express that I can’t imagine a life without them, that they both matter so much to me?
Unruly Bodies 
This is sad to hear. If one person’s needs can’t be met, then you can’t expect the other’s needs to be met either. Communication is key. If there is no communication, then you won’t be able to make progress.
Hey,
First, I am so sorry that you feel the need to be put in the middle of these issues, I know its instinct to help but it has to be heavy to always feel the need to mediate your parents. And second, I really loved your post, it was beautifully written! You brought up two major topics that we have learned: Labor and emotional labor. Your mom is so strong for literally everything, going through a C-section alone is strong but with no emotional support is next level. I also am aware of the emotional labor one takes on when their parents constantly fight. Especially when youre in the middle of, they ask you to take sides without using words and it is unfair. I hope your parents continue to work on their communication, and you get the peace that you need too!
I really enjoyed your insight here–I think connecting the way pregnant people are treated to your mom’s experience giving birth definitely raises a point about the absolute necessity of emotional support during labor. Doulas and midwives shouldn’t just be an added luxury, but support systems that are to be expected and provided; leaving the father (or co-parent) of the baby to be the sole provider of emotional support during childbirth is clearly not sufficient.