I feel like I’m constantly chasing time. When my grandmother died last semester, time stopped making sense. I started sleeping during the day and staying up all night. I couldn’t get through my classes without crying, so I just didn’t go. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to work — I couldn’t. Everytime I picked up my computer, it felt like I was betraying her somehow, like working meant forgetting. I wasn’t ready. I needed time to process, to grieve. But, much to my dismay, time wouldn’t stop. I turned in every one of my finals late. I scraped by with good grades in all of my classes, in large part due to the kindness of my professors, but I still felt like a failure. Capitalism asks us prioritizes our productivity over our mental health, and I couldn’t do that.
For a long time, I’ve been doing this thing I call “budgeting” — I force myself to be productive in hard times in case harder times are ahead. You can only ask for so many extensions and excused absences before it becomes a problem. You can only have so many breakdowns before you can’t catch up. But it shouldn’t be this way. I just want time. I want to take days off without the fear of failure constantly looming overhead. I want to ask for as many extensions as I need without feeling guilty or embarrassed. I want to heal without being questioned or rushed. I want — I need — time.
Unruly Bodies 
Your concept of “budgeting” is something I really relate to–in many cases I have trouble taking advantage of things like extensions or other measures meant to help me in case I need assistance with turning something in because, like you, I’m assuming there will be a time where I need that assistance more than I do now. This is truly a product of capitalist notions about productivity–a term I have come to hate because I think so many things beyond how we narrowly define it fall under the umbrella of productivity; eating breakfast, going outside, talking to your friends, and doing things you enjoy are all productive too, yet often considered to be less valuable than work or school.
Isn’t it crazy that in our society we are deemed weak for taking a break? For not following the path set up for us? I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother, my condolences to you and your family – I know losing someone is difficult. I lost my best friend last year and it still doesn’t feel real. I withdrew myself mentally and physically, but time didn’t stop. I still had to go to work, I still had to take care of my responsibilities, but how could I fake a smile knowing my brother was gone forever? Believe me, we are all in our own timelines and our wellbeing comes before anything else – it’s important to take some time to embrace all the blessings in our lives. I’m sure your grandmother would be so proud of you. Thank you so much for sharing.
Reading this I understand that concept of “chasing time”. The watching of the clock trying how to best spend the time in between when something isn’t using it. We take so much time working, going to school etc that we don’t have enough to process when something affects us negatively or positively. Society pushing you to work work work without ever considering how much time you’re using. Even your allotted time to rest is mercilessly monitored as to not waste any of the time they are taking from you. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I really feel for you. Day in and day out, it seems that I am always chasing money, but never wasting time. Someone once said “Money does not buy time, but time is money”. Meaning that time is invaluable, and in the pursuit of money, you will run out of time.
Time is such a trap! We watch the clock to the minute or even second sometimes. The feeling of wasting time is the such a dreadful feeling. When it takes me “too long” to do an assignment, I start thinking of all of the things I should have done differently to be quicker. Ugh. Foucault wrote about time and discipline and used the word meticulous, which I think paints the picture perfectly for me. It is exhaustingly meticulous to count the minutes, but it’s not something I can stop.