Ever since I discovered that I could download music on my phone and listen to it whenever I’d like, I’ve been a headphones addict. Throughout middle school, I constantly listened to my favorite artists, and looking back now I’d probably be embarrassed if anyone found out who I used to listen to. Going into high school I discovered music production, and it became my main hobby. Every day after school I would work on music in some way, still listening to my headphones the whole time. After a few months I even started to make some money off of it, which was really cool for a fourteen year old. I also loved going to concerts, and an upcoming concert was enough to keep me motivated to keep going until it came up. I say all of this to say that music was my main outlet throughout my teenage years.
About two years ago, I noticed that something was different about my ears. They started to get fatigued really quickly and would cause me a lot of pain. I also started to hear a loud ringing noise whenever it was too quiet. These things really freaked me out and I sat with them for a while without telling anybody. The worst part of my experience with hearing problems weren’t the problems themselves, but the feeling of stress. I was stressed that I would lose my hearing, that I would never experience silence again, that I wouldn’t be able to listen to music the same way again, and that it was all my fault for wearing headphones too frequently.
Eventually, I built up the courage to go to the doctor’s office for my problems. I felt so nauseous going there that I almost fainted when he started to describe what could be wrong with me. It turns out that my hearing issues weren’t caused by my headphone use at all, and they were actually related to my orthodontic work. I also finally got names for what I had been experiencing; hyperacusis and tinnitus. What I noticed was that once I went to the doctor, the worst of it was over. Even though there isn’t really a treatment, just knowing what was wrong alleviated me of much of the stress. It was then that I realized that most of my problems were mental.
My experience showed me just how much the mind and the body are connected. It also made me wish that people talked more about the other aspects of having a physical problem. I’ve never really heard people talk about how mentally taxing it can be to have a health problem and not know what it is. One positive thing that I took away from my experience was listening to ambient music. Sometimes, listening to quiet music was all that my ears could handle. I also discovered the joy of ear plugs, and got some custom made to fit my ears that are super comfortable and great at concerts.
Unruly Bodies 
I definitely resonate with the fear of doctors and see how the mind and body connect through this. When you have something wrong that feels physical, the mental impact can be just as devastating. It’s like a dancer breaking her leg or an athlete that can’t run anymore. The emotional turmoil can be more intense than the actual injury. Learning about my own health issues has greatly changed how I view myself and my capabilities, as well as how that functioning effects my mood. I am the type of person who also likes to name what is wrong with myself – having a diagnosis is so helpful. The not knowing is the scariest part.
The title to your post could not be more apt and I definitely relate. For a long time, I’ve been wanting to go to the doctor to get bloodwork done mostly because I want to see if I am anemic. I am also an adult now and want that to be a regular thing I do because know I “should”. But I am scared to. I know how racist, fatphobic and misogynist the medical world and individual doctors can be so I don’t want them to just see my body and give me a one size fits all assessment without knowing me. On one hand it is me wanting to prove that I am a “good fat” that I do exercise, eat well and do all the “god” things but on the other hand I know the unfortunate reality of visiting the doctor in certain bodies. I’m not sure where to go from here but I’m hoping I get the courage you had and just go because I guess I never really know.
Oh this post hit a real soft spot for me. I appreciate your vulnerability with your doctors office experience; I can definitely relate to those feelings of stress and anxiety. I’m happy were able to find the root cause of your issues and they weren’t life/hearing threatening; The interrelatedness of mind and body definitely cant be understated in situations like that. The songs you attached are interesting too as I’ve never tried ambient music before, if it’s been helpful to you, I think I can try it too. (I should also probably see a doctor soon as well.)