This post is going to be a bunch of questions and different thoughts so hang with me. We’re going to start with a quote from one of my favorite shows “Bojack Horseman” that has stuck with me for years. For context, the lady saying this is talking about a pop star who was a Miley Cyrus type child star gone “bad.” She says, “I’m a fan of her early work which both satirized and celebrated youth culture’s obsession with sex, but I do wonder as a third-wave feminist if it’s even possible for women to reclaim their sexuality in this deeply entrenched patriarchal society, or if claiming to do so is just a lie we tell ourselves so we can more comfortably cater to the male gaze” (Bob-Waksberg, 2014).
Now, I’m a lesbian, so I do wonder if I am too biased to be writing this. However, I do think being outside of heteronormativity can give a more objective perspective sometimes, but this is what discussions are for.
Anyway, immediately after hearing this quote I think about the media of course, specifically the female rap music industry. I think about this because we receive so many messages about being a boss bitch by “getting your nut and leaving” or using men for sex like they do to us, or just talking about sex in general. And I wonder, does this actually benefit women as a whole (specifically straight women)? What is empowering to a woman differs, so I’m sure this mindset helps a lot of women feel empowered. I do think it really depends, but this view ultimately places a lot of emphasis on the other person to define one’s own sexual empowerment. I also question the intention behind this message of music industries; do they want women to be empowered by encouraging them to sleep with whomever they want, or is it a set up for women to further objectify themselves and keep having sex with men/cater to the male gaze/feel validated?
When I was in this phase, it was before I realized I was a lesbian. I was basically just having sex with men as a form of self harm, to get some type of intimacy with a person, to make me feel a little more in control over my life, and get male validation. Hearing my friends talk about their rosters and all the guys they were talking to made me feel invalidated and insecure, and I craved that validation, as most women are taught to do. So even though I didn’t like men, I only knew how to make myself feel “empowered” by having more sex with them. And of course this left me feeling empty and a little more traumatized than before. And even though I was a closeted lesbian, a lot of women have sex for the same reasons and also end up feeling unfulfilled and empty after hookups. Almost as if hookup culture wasn’t made for women.
I think it’s easy to conform to that patriarchal view of sex and feeling prideful and validated by who or how many people they sleep with. But does the pendulum have to swing that way first, or are we swinging the wrong pendulum? Because let’s be honest, most straight men do not care about the other person’s pleasure, especially if they don’t know them well or care about them emotionally. I don’t think straight women get the same benefits as straight men during a typical hookup.
Maybe it is possible for women to reclaim their sexuality as an individual, but being perceived by men in patriarchal society will alter that. This reminds me of the social disability model and how being a woman isn’t an impairment, but our society hinders us because of this. I guess it really just depends on each woman, but then again we all fall victim to this society, and I think it’s easy to confuse objectification with empowerment if we’re not really thinking critically about what we’re doing, why we’re doing it, and if it is serving us personally.
I also think about if this is different for the LGBTQ+ community. Although we are not conforming to heteronormative sexuality, we are all impacted by socialization. For example if a lesbian couple is free from sexual interaction with men, yet they are still fetishized while doing literally nothing in public, can they still reclaim their sexuality in this society? Or does that put too much emphasis on other people? Can one be truly happy and accepting of their sexuality when they are not accepted in society? If that’s the case, what is sexual empowerment? How can we break through that lens? Can anyone be truly sexually empowered in a patriarchal society?
Unruly Bodies 
Thank you for sharing, you brought up many interesting points. I agree that participating in hookup culture does not present any real benefits to women. In fact, I think it is harmful in the long-term, both emotionally and physically. It puts women at risk of sexually transmitted diseases, negates their emotional needs, and reduces their self-esteem. Hookup culture also encourages sexual intimacy paired with rejection of any emotional connection, even though there is a physical connection.
I come from a rather sheltered and conservative upbringing, so I do apologize if anything I say comes off as insensitive. And even though I’m not a lesbian myself, I do have similar experiences with not being accepted by society as a whole. My identity as a whole practically defies what society wants as a whole: I’m a transmasc nonbinary person who dresses more on the feminine side and I’m also on the aroace spectrum. As if the way I present myself doesn’t conform to the normal “transgender” perception that some people tend to have, I’m also totally in a different category concerning romantic and sexual interests. (Well, it’s better to say that I don’t really have them at all, haha.) However, I still crave intimacy and want to be intimate with someone like people do in a romantic relationship; I just don’t understand how people can like each other in that way to achieve such a thing.
Perhaps because I’m an introvert who hides themselves away with other trans people, but I find myself being happy with my gender and attraction(?) identities even though they don’t match at all with what goes on in society. Even though my friends aren’t on the aromantic spectrum at all either, they still accept me for who I am even if society doesn’t. Getting to that point to just not care about what society thinks about you is difficult, though.
Especially when wlw relations are fetishized for the male gaze everywhere. It can feel disgusting that society doesn’t view you as a person at all, but not everyone is part of that “society”. I feel like there will always be people who will “break the mold” and accept us for who we are, despite whatever messed up way that society views us.
I really love this post! I absolutely agree with the points you made about hookup culture, the idea of “rosters” and why we feel we need male validation, as well as how this all exists as a result of the patriarchal society we live in. I believe that movements like ratchet feminism and radicalism pose the answer for the question you pose. Stemming as a result from misogynoir, ratchet feminism aims to combine hip hop and hood feminism by reclaiming and celebrating sexuality and directly combating “respectability”. University of Georgia professor Bettina L. Love wrote that the word ratchet was “messy, meaning it has no straightforward definition; it is contradictory, fluid, precarious, agentive, and oftentimes intentionally inappropriate”, and Theri A. Pickens says that “ratchet” has also been seen as “a performative strategy that secures a liberatory space for black women.” Artists like Meghan Thee Stallion, Cardi B, and City Girls exemplify celebrating sexuality in a ratchet feminist way. Cardi B, as a bisexual black women, is an amazing example of how intersectionality in such movements lead to the greater liberation of not only black women, but also sapphics and other women of color with similar experiences.