For the past three years, I’ve felt lonely. My everyday existence is dictated by my anxiety and depression. I always overthink about everything I do, and it never ends. It has prevented me from enjoying myself and liking myself, and it has led me to believe that being alone is better than being with other family members or friends. I feel as though I will never lead the life I desire as a result. I’ll never make new friends, and I won’t get the “experience” of college that I imagined having when I was younger. I am aware that my family is supportive and that they care about me, yet I still feel as though I consistently fail to do enough for them and destroy everything. I’ve now been in therapy for two years, and it has helped me tremendously for the better. I’m fortunate to have a supportive mother, who at first did not understand what I was going through but evolved and became my supporter over those three years.
But lately, I’ve run into trouble because one of my professors has made it mandatory to speak in class for participation, and speaking in front of others is difficult for me. I’ve tried to fix it over the years, but it continues to be difficult for me. I wrote the professor an email explaining how I find it difficult to speak in front of others due to my anxiety, but he never replied. I’m currently trying to obtain a student disability accommodation, but it has proven to be very challenging due to the long process. Because I must first have a doctor’s note, and I’m fortunate enough to receive therapy so I can, I can. But after that, I need to meet with the staff and discuss it with them. Wait a few more days or weeks, and see if I’ll get approved or not. I hope I do but I feel like I’ll propbably won’t.
Unruly Bodies 
It’s really hard to see people who feel like this. Anxiety is hard to cope with and understand. I suffer from a different kind of anxiety so I don’t know what it’s like to feel so uncomfortable you can’t speak in class. I’ve always had the opposite problem. I over speak and people would tell me to shut up or stop talking all together. Speaking in a discussion based class is hard to balance. I’ve known a few people who would tell me what they were thinking in the class and if they consented I would share it to the class and give credit to them. Then they would know that at least one other person thought it was such a great point that they needed to share it with others. I don’t know exactly what it is about the public speaking that makes you so uncomfortable but hopefully you can get those accommodations and be able to share your ideas in a more anxiety friendly way.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with anxiety. I too struggle with anxiety and sometimes it gets to the point of panic attacks, but I’ve learned over the years how to calm myself down and get through it. I’m so happy to hear that therapy has helped you come a long way, public speaking is always something that is difficult but i try to remember that sometimes people are just as nervous/anxious as i am when speaking and that’s what helps me a little bit. I really hope you’re able to get those accommodations if it’s something you feel you really need, wishing you the best.
This made me tear up because I feel the exact same way. I have struggled with anxiety most of my life and the last couple years have been on medication for it. I overthink if im good enough most days and pick myself apart. I had the same experience with my mom where she did not understand at first but has become much better with it. Public speaking absolutely terrifies and me and I feel like there is a a boulder in my stomach, this is probably the only class I feel comfortable speaking in because I feel safe.
Thank you for sharing. I too struggle with anxiety and understand what this is like. Anxiety is such a real thing and really does affect the everyday life. I hope you are able to work things out with your professor and with receiving student disability accommodations.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I felt for part of this because I overthink things too, and ever since an incident this summer, it’s prevented me from accepting myself and letting myself be authentic to who I am. I don’t know if I have anxiety but I keep asking if I’m good enough. But I did not comment here to vent my own issues. It is indeed a massive emotional toll to manage such thoughts and sometimes to even be around people, so your beliefs are valid, but you are not alone. I know personally that when internalization involves loneliness, there is just more of a price to pay for keeping the thoughts and the deprecation down. I hope you’re able to work things out with the accommodations and your professor.
Greetings,
your words speak volumes and your feelings are so valid and relatable. Anxiety, more often than not, feels like THE enemy and turns our own minds against us. Such betrayal, right? It feels like we have lost control over our own thoughts and feelings and that is terryfing. I often say that the scariest place to be is in one’s own head, to be alone with your thoughts. It’s lonely but misery loves company, no? I, myself, have been from therapist to therapist for about ten years and I have so often felt like giving up, saying I’ll manage, I always have. But then things get bad again and I feel like I am going crazy and everyone is staring at me. I think I know exactly what you mean when yo uexpressed you feel like a burden to your family who promises they care. Those of us with these anxious thoughts know objectively that they truly do care but there is that part that tells us they are lying to us, that they are just humoring us as it were.
Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself which is easier said than done.
Fellow anxiety-haver here, and let me start off by saying that even though you may feel isolated, you are not alone in your experiences. I congratulate you on reaching out and getting help through therapy, as the initiation-inhibiting qualities of anxiety are often overlooked in discussions of self-help and taking that first step is a big accomplishment in its own right. I also empathize with your struggles regarding accommodations; the current system is fickle and over-reliant on strict categorizations, which are again very difficult to contest when initiating discourse can seem insurmountable.