The last 2 weeks have been a living hell for me. I have been so stressed out because of exams and finals, it just feels like my entire life is breaking apart. No matter how much I study, it feels like it will never be good enough. This week I had two exams, a quiz, and had to do an 8-page essay. Later on Wednesday found out that I got a B on an English essay, that I worked so hard on which now changed my grade from an A to a B in the class. In that moment of seeing that B, I cried. I just felt worthless the moment when I saw that grade because, in the back of my mind, I just thought about how I would never be good enough no matter how much I studied or put effort into an assignment or exam. No matter how much effort I put into all my classes, my grades just keep on going down, and I just feel like I was a mistake in life and should have never existed. That I’m just a useless human being that can’t even do the simplest things like a damn essay. This has even caused me to have a fear of losing my scholarship if I don’t study enough and it has even caused me to become more depressed.

I even thought of just giving up at one point but at the same time, the fear of getting a bad grade still motivates me to still try and not give up. After having my therapy session today, my therapist made me realize that a grade can’t define how smart or good I am. That it’s just a letter and that I’m already good enough. At this point, I just want to study, finish my exams, and go back home and be with my cat!!!!

Also good luck on exams everyone, you got this :)) (here’s a pic of my baby to help with the stress)

The COVID-19 pandemic has changed my life forever. After the pandemic, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. And the last 3 years have been the worst of my entire life. My senior year of high school was terrible, my freshman year of college was ten times worse and it always feels like nothing ever goes right for me. I’ve done so many things just to feel normal and fit in. I have literally gone to so many different dermatologists and have spent almost $400+ for my skin to get clear and at one point it did. But of course, my ance had to come back and now makes me feel more insecure every time I look in the mirror or even when others look at me. I’ve tried to dress in a certain way, drink, smoke, etc. just because I felt like all of my friends were doing it so if I didn’t I was “boring” or just ruined the mood.

But after being in therapy for a few years now, I’ve recently slowly come to except myself. I think ever since I was young, I tried to fit in no matter what and my anxiety and depression made this even worse. Also when looking at social media, I have always compared myself to people I saw and questioned why I didn’t look or do certain things like them. But I’ve come to learn that there is no such thing as a “perfect” or “normal” person. As humans, we express ourselves in many different ways with the way we dress, talk, and go on with our daily lives. Our differences don’t make us unnatural but are what makes us all special in our own way. While I have improved over the year myself, I still have a long way to go and I hope one day, I won’t give a fuck about what other people think about me and be cunty. :)))

For the past three years, I’ve felt lonely. My everyday existence is dictated by my anxiety and depression. I always overthink about everything I do, and it never ends. It has prevented me from enjoying myself and liking myself, and it has led me to believe that being alone is better than being with other family members or friends. I feel as though I will never lead the life I desire as a result. I’ll never make new friends, and I won’t get the “experience” of college that I imagined having when I was younger. I am aware that my family is supportive and that they care about me, yet I still feel as though I consistently fail to do enough for them and destroy everything. I’ve now been in therapy for two years, and it has helped me tremendously for the better. I’m fortunate to have a supportive mother, who at first did not understand what I was going through but evolved and became my supporter over those three years.

But lately, I’ve run into trouble because one of my professors has made it mandatory to speak in class for participation, and speaking in front of others is difficult for me. I’ve tried to fix it over the years, but it continues to be difficult for me. I wrote the professor an email explaining how I find it difficult to speak in front of others due to my anxiety, but he never replied. I’m currently trying to obtain a student disability accommodation, but it has proven to be very challenging due to the long process. Because I must first have a doctor’s note, and I’m fortunate enough to receive therapy so I can, I can. But after that, I need to meet with the staff and discuss it with them. Wait a few more days or weeks, and see if I’ll get approved or not. I hope I do but I feel like I’ll propbably won’t.

As a child, I was carefree and never really paid attention to those around me. I would do the things that I enjoyed most, like playing, dancing freely, and singing loudly. However, as I grew older, I started to experience anxiety and became very self aware. I remember feeling uneasy about my body at the age of 10 when I first began to go through puberty. I disliked the changes my body was going through and felt like I didn’t fit in with other girls my age. I began to compare myself to the women I saw in magazines and on social media, wanting to conform to their beauty standards. I would always ask my mom for new clothes and to straighten my hair so that I could fit in more. My mom would always say no to new clothes because of our financial situation, and she was also very strict about me not straightening my hair. I didn’t understand why at the time, but I later learned that my mom had damaged her hair from straightening it constantly when she immigrated to the United States. She wanted me to appreciate my natural curls and see them as beautiful, which I now do. This experience is just one example of how industries turn our bodies into products, and it is something that millions of people struggle with. Although I still have moments of self-doubt, I have learned to embrace and love my body for what it is.