OCD is like (and I apologize for what I’m about to do to some of you) The Game. Always there, but not a problem until it becomes a conscious thought. And then it’s on replay; like The Game, trying not to think of it only makes it worse.
Years ago, I was luckily “exited” from The Game. Although I’ve not seen this ever described as an “official” rule or solution to The Game, I choose to believe that one could be “exited”. Since The Game functions a lot like OCD does (at least, for me), it’s not some cute mind game that we all play together, it’s a reminder that my brain doesn’t work the same way everyone else’s does. I have a million little “The Games” I’m playing constantly in my head—if a pencil is turned toward me, if I notice it, it has to be turned away. If the “Best By” date has passed and I notice it, I have to throw it out. Well, I don’t have to, but my brain will make it seem like the end of the world if I don’t (and that’s on magical thinking, which isn’t as fun as it sounds).
Diagram by me!
There’s more, too: intrusive thoughts, which are not what TikTok makes them out to be; object personification, which leads me to hoarding, unable to give away anything because I fear it ending up trashed, abused, or unloved (which is of course made worse when coupled with ADHD and impulse buying). Like many others, I have to do things in equal measure to my body. If I chew my nails (as I have a bad habit of doing), I have to chew equally on both sides of my mouth, and then the whole nail has to be smooth, which often means I’m stuck chewing on my nails until it’s too painful to continue. Or I have to step on the stairs evenly, which might make me go back and walk back down the stairs if I wasn’t able to get enough steps on my left foot.
The thoughts are easiest to stop when you don’t even give them the chance to talk; you look away from what triggers the obsession, you walk away, leave the room, remove yourself from the trigger, and the voice doesn’t get the chance to talk. You look like a madperson when you literally plug your ears and say, “La la la!” loudly, but you do what you have to to block the thoughts from forming. Blocking them is hard, but resisting is harder.
It’s not fun talking about OCD, I know. I understand the looks of discomfort, fascination, scrutiny, disbelief when I talk about why I do what I do or the process of my thinking. It’s as crazy to you as it is to me. I know how alien it is to many; it’s clear from how I’m treated.
The Game is a reminder that I do not belong to the same world as everyone else; that I cannot escape this, even in the most normal of moments, even in elementary school games. That, at the end of the day, most people can decide whether or not they want to be a part of The Game, but I have a voice in the back of my head telling me society will literally collapse if I allow myself to exit The Game.
But someone exited me from The Game, so I don’t have to play it ever again. Years of therapy and learning how to cope with OCD have helped me learn that I can stop those thoughts on my own (most of the time; I’m still getting stronger).
If you’ve read through all this, I hope this helps you understand a bit more how OCD can work (and it can be more or less extreme than it is for me than it is for others). And, if you need to be exited from The Game too, consider this your official invitation to stop playing the game. I promise, nothing bad will happen.
Unruly Bodies 
Thank you for writing this, even though I know how incredibly discomforting it can be. But I think it’s important for people to know that OCD comes in many different forms. We’re not all “clean freaks” like popular culture leads us to believe. And I agree, it can be incredibly debilitating when I think too much about something that triggers my OCD. I like that you compared it to “The Game” because for years I’ve never known how to explain what OCD feels like. So thank you for making that comparison! I’m glad to hear that you are working through it in therapy, and I’m sending good vibes your way! :)))
I’m grateful that you shared this with us readers. Thank you for this.
You’re right, it’s not cute and quirky to have OCD and use it to seek attention. A thought that will not leave you alone can be torture and drive you mad. It can make you act on impulse and live to regret it. It is an ever present issue often in thr forefront of your brain. It manifests in different ways. Thank you for shedding light on this and sharing your experience.
Reading this, I have nothing but empathy and admiration for those who has OCD. Everyone pretends that they are “so OCD” because they like to be organized without knowing what OCD truly is. The distress people with OCD is in because of intrusive thoughts are never the things people try to replace because those are undesirable. This leads into the infantilization of neurodivergent people because having to do things a certain way or fixating on something are things kids may do so people connect the two despite it being similar what-so-ever.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING THIS. I completely understand everything you said and it is so refreshing hearing other peoples stories who I can relate to. Seeing the brain map is also so great because that is literally how I envision my anxiety and OCD when I am making decisions or when I am talking to my therapist. It is so important to talk about these things in order to show people that they arent alone in this world and that there is support from other neurodivergent people who are trying to just make it while doing mundane every day tasks that constantly get overlooked by neurotypical people.
I feel like many people diagnose themselves with OCD just because they like to keep things extra clean. That is literally just being a clean person. OCD is, by Google’s definition, “unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead to compulsive behaviors.” I also think it’s very important to refrain from diagnosing yourself with disorders because it can make people who actually have those disorders feel unseen. Reading this definitely helped me better understand how OCD can affect people. Thank you for sharing this.
Glad this is being said! The recent trend of commodifying and “cutesifying” neurodiversity and mental illnesses is deeply harrowing because although yes, it gives a new platform for those impacted by mental differences to share their experiences, it also promotes a type of shallow “that’s so me” self diagnosis. It reminds me in many ways of horoscope personality charts, in which nearly every trait on the list, such as “assertive,” “creative,” or “calm,” is functionally universal in some way, and only seems pronounced in the person’s self image when they are assigned to an archetype that features those traits. The product in this new context is people with basic hobbies like birds or trains mistaking those fascinations for special interests and claiming they’ve “got the ’tism,” or as you’ve identified, people who dislike messes equating that reaction to an OCD prognosis. Ultimately these reinforce reductive stereotypes that misinform the real world depth, complexity and diversity that exists within these neurodivergent groups.
Oh my god, this is amazing. Thank you for sharing this, and the diagram you provided is also a great visual lol. You’re incredibly right- it’s disgusting to infantilize OCD, or think of it as a “cute little quirk” that means people like being neat or clean. I feel like a lot of disorders are seen as “cute little quirks,” unfortunately. People see that generalized anxiety disorder has a symptom of feeling restless and go insane with self-diagnosis, or people can’t focus and blame it on their ADHD that conveniently only appears when it works in their favor (i.e. an excuse for delegating their work to other people). All in all, I just think people really need to stop dramatizing every little thing to “fit in” (because it’s apparently a trend to have a disorder now- but that’s a whole other conversation…) Of course, if someone is seriously worried they have OCD, or anxiety, and its causing disruption to their life, then I would argue self-diagnosis (or at least recognizing something might be amiss) is a good first step in getting a proper, official diagnosis – but that’s unfortunately very different to what a bunch of people are doing these days. It is incredibly frustrating and takes away from those who are actually struggling. Once again, thank you for sharing your experience!