Music makes me feel gender. Whether it’s moving my body, feeling the beat, watching live performance, or playing the drums, music is the one thing that helps me make sense of my tangled mess of a mind and body. I haven’t played the drums in a while but I have been practicing since I was 15. My Chemical Romance had a profound effect on me when I was younger and I became so enthralled with the motions and flow of playing the drums. I started practicing on my dad’s drum kit in our basement. In some weird way, it helped me feel connected to my body. For some time, I was a cyborg and my wooden drumsticks were merely an extension of my flesh. Playing the drums is kind of a dance, too. My left arm held a steady snare beat while my right flailed between crash and hihat and ride. Meanwhile, my legs were running in place as they pedaled away. I felt connected to myself and I was playing music that helped process the anguish and loneliness I felt at the time. I was at home in my body.

Later on, I understood gender in a different way. I took a class called Transnational Feminisms and I was introduced to Mia Mingus and her idea of “moving towards the ugly.” I became fascinated with the idea of reclaiming ugliness and finding beauty and empowerment in its subversive nature. For my final project in that class I made a zine highlighting queer people in hardcore and how they embody gender through their music.” Many of these people are queer and POC making music about those embodied experiences. As a queer POC myself, I felt recognized myself in this messy and chaotic music because it’s how I feel about my own damn self! As part of my zine I created a Spotify playlist called FEMME TUNES to showcase the liberating hardcore music created by queer and POC femmes. This felt relevant to share since the class made a shared playlist. So I am sharing mine for anyone who is interested:)