CW: Suicidal Ideation/Mental health
I’ve been struggling with my mental health for a while now. It’s had it’s ups and downs but lately it has mostly been downs and I don’t know how to get out of it. My ADHD and mainly my Major Depression severely impeded my abilities to complete assignments this semester and this was SUPPOSED to be the semester that I graduated. I really wanted to graduate too but at the beginning of the semester I made a mistake when trying to switch my classes around because I didn’t like one of my initial classes that I was enrolled in (Ancient Greek Studies). In order for me to change to a different class that fulfilled the same credit, I had to drop a class that I WAS interested in taking and learning about and when I replaced that class I messed up thinking the new class that I chose fulfilled THAT credit that I needed. My schedule/ track progress went from 100% to 98% but didn’t update until the day AFTER schedule changes closed so I was basically screwed from the start. I ended up having to fill out a late enrollment petition and that only prolonged the process and made me fall further behind in the new course I was trying to enroll in. I did my best to try and remember due dates and turn things in on time but I will admit I still missed a lot of deadlines and it’s just so frustrating when you want to be productive but your executive dysfunction is on another level completely. It’s even worse when you’re self aware of what’s going on as well, like I mean come on, this is literal torture and I don’t know how to break the cycle. People say “Just power through it” but how am I supposed to power through it when I have been passively suicidal on and off (mostly on) for the past few years? Not to mention my parents don’t even know either so that will be SO fun when they find out that I failed YET AGAIN. They don’t understand that I have been asking for a break for a while now but they are tired of waiting for me to finish school and move on with my life. I have little to no motivation to do anything except go out and party with friends because doing that is the only thing right now that has helped me to not actually try to act on any bad thoughts of self harm/unaliving.
Unruly Bodies 
I completely understand this. Juggling school and depression is not for the weak, especially when professors are not understanding or kind. Dealing with depression is not like a regular sickness you just get over. When you described your suicidal feelings as on and off, people only think of it in extremes, when it’s really a lived in experience. I want you to have the best semester and doing what you can to stay healthy!
thank you so much i really appreciate that! I am doing as well as I can
This brought me to tears because I relate to a lot of it. This semester has been one of my worst mentally yet, and I was taking classes I loved, but still unable to get the work done in time and had no motivation. The suicide ideation is so hard, and not talked about enough. Having to talk yourself out of harming yourself so often and consistently thinking about it is mentally and physically exhausting, and I’ve been there. I am proud you’re still standing and believe in you. Go at your own pace, and do what bring you joy, even the small things. You are capable and doing amazing!
I can relate to you so much. I feel like so many people have this idea that depression is something that you can control and make go away. But in reality, it’s something that controls your life, and adding schools just makes it 10 times worse. This semester for me was personally hard because my depression was already getting worse, and having pressure from exams, made me want to self-harm again. It was difficult for me to control but what helped me was remembering it is fine to take breaks. I know this might not be the same for you. But I just want to let you know it is fine to take a break from school if that is what helps you the most because you are more important. I hope you have a good winter break and remember that you are amazing and perfect the way you are :)))
I relate to your post so much. In the beginning of the semester I had signed up to take 7 classes (which ik ik stupid decision) and I knew I could not handle the workload. I set a meeting up with my advisor who basically said that if I wanted to graduate this fall then I have to take all 7 classes. This was heartbreaking because I knew mentally I couldn’t handle the work. Later I realized the advisor messed up and I was able to drop one class that I didn’t like. As the semester is ending, depression is an all time high for me because IDK what I am going to do after I leave UMBC. Just know that you got this and that going out is extremely helpful to get your mind off of other thoughts.
I completely relate to this post. School can feel so overwhelming, especially when you have so many deadlines and responsibilities thrown at you. I also tend to lose motivation and shut down when facing pressure, which makes me feel even worse. I know it’s hard but try to remind yourself that you are strong and capable of so much. You’re doing the best you can given the circumstances. Your academic performance doesn’t define your worth and you will end up exactly where you are meant to be. Please try your best to take care of yourself and you are not alone in this ❤
Hey you 🙂 I get where you’re coming from in this post and I’m glad that you got some pressure off by writing this out. You’re not alone, it may seem like a hard time now but time tells. Keep thriving, the journey only continues from here! Just remind yourself of who you want to be and that you have a mission :)) Bestest luck to you on your finals, take care ❤
I understand this so much and I want you to know youre not alone. school is a very hard thing to do and sometimes taking a break is the best thing you could do to take care of yourself. i know that it is hard right now, but you will get through it, i used to have the same issue with school but taking the time to be around good people and also coping with writing and other hobbies helped me out a lot. hope youre feeling better.