CW: Suicidal Ideation/Mental health

I’ve been struggling with my mental health for a while now. It’s had it’s ups and downs but lately it has mostly been downs and I don’t know how to get out of it. My ADHD and mainly my Major Depression severely impeded my abilities to complete assignments this semester and this was SUPPOSED to be the semester that I graduated. I really wanted to graduate too but at the beginning of the semester I made a mistake when trying to switch my classes around because I didn’t like one of my initial classes that I was enrolled in (Ancient Greek Studies). In order for me to change to a different class that fulfilled the same credit, I had to drop a class that I WAS interested in taking and learning about and when I replaced that class I messed up thinking the new class that I chose fulfilled THAT credit that I needed. My schedule/ track progress went from 100% to 98% but didn’t update until the day AFTER schedule changes closed so I was basically screwed from the start. I ended up having to fill out a late enrollment petition and that only prolonged the process and made me fall further behind in the new course I was trying to enroll in. I did my best to try and remember due dates and turn things in on time but I will admit I still missed a lot of deadlines and it’s just so frustrating when you want to be productive but your executive dysfunction is on another level completely. It’s even worse when you’re self aware of what’s going on as well, like I mean come on, this is literal torture and I don’t know how to break the cycle. People say “Just power through it” but how am I supposed to power through it when I have been passively suicidal on and off (mostly on) for the past few years? Not to mention my parents don’t even know either so that will be SO fun when they find out that I failed YET AGAIN. They don’t understand that I have been asking for a break for a while now but they are tired of waiting for me to finish school and move on with my life. I have little to no motivation to do anything except go out and party with friends because doing that is the only thing right now that has helped me to not actually try to act on any bad thoughts of self harm/unaliving.

So recently, my partner of almost two years ended things with me but said they still wanted to be friends. They said that they no longer had romantic feelings for me but rather felt as if our dynamic was more like good friends. Why don’t you just literally rip my heart out of my chest instead? I am polyamorous but they were my longest partner. I started to feel them drifting away slowly but I decided to not prod them about it in fear of what the answer could have been, but I guess I got the answer either way…. Some of my friends don’t understand why I am upset about losing a partner because “You have other partners” but that isn’t how things work, it still hurts to lose someone in any capacity of the word. Also, the relationship was long distance with them living in California and me being in Maryland. It was an online relationship but we would snapchat every day and video chat every so often when our schedules would allow it.

On a different note, my newest partner (who is local yay) told me that they were talking to someone named Mae and I asked what they looked like because I dated a person named Mae a few months ago. Lo and behold it was my EX. I told them I wasn’t comfortable about them talking but my partner said they have been talking since November 3rd and that they really like each other and want to see where things go… I don’t like it at all…. not one bit, but i don’t want to lose my partner either so i just told them to do whatever they want and just don’t tell me. I just wish I didn’t know ANYTHING. Should I have broken up with them because they didn’t really respect my wishes or am i being selfish?

I’m going to start off this blog post with a trigger warning. This will contain speech about sexual assault that happened.

A little bit of information about me….I am a polyamorous, pansexual woman and I am also a hypersexual person. Sex is important to me when it comes to romantic relationships. Back near the end of May 2021 I was raped in my sleep by someone who was supposed to be a friend of mine. I remember waking up and not being able to move because I was in such shock about what was occurring at the time. Some people might victim blame and say it was because I sleep without clothes on but let’s be real here, he probably would have done it either way regardless if I had clothes on or not. Someone like that is going to do what they want no matter how it effects the other person. People like that are dangerous to society. Anyways, that’s not even the worst part about this story. The worst part about it that still affects me today is that I discovered I got herpes from it. My boyfriend at the time was the first person I told about my diagnosis and for the rest of our time together he practically treated me like a leper. He refused to kiss me or engage in any kind of sexual activity with me because he was afraid of contracting it too. This really scarred me emotionally and it’s still hard for me to accept rejection soley because of my diagnosis. Although, I do believe in fully informed consent when it comes to engaging in sexual activities with others but it has made things really difficult for me since my diagnosis to find people that are willing to be with me romantically or sexually. I do currently have three romantic partners but they are all long distance so we haven’t met in person yet but I talk to them all every day and we send photos and video chat when we can. There is a dating website for people who also have similar or the same diagnosis but it costs $15 a month to be able to message anyone you want to. As if it wasn’t already hard enough for people with herpes and other sexual conditions to find a potential partner or friend with benefits. I’m going to end this blog by saying this, you are NEVER unworthy of love. You ARE worth it. You are BEAUTIFUL regardless of your status. Don’t allow someone to make you hate yourself. You are LOVED.

Ever since I was a little girl, society has pushed its expectations onto me. Whether it be through what I am supposed look like or how I am supposed to act or even what I am expected to do as a job or career. The expectation that has impacted me the most throughout my life is the ideation that women have to be skinny to be treated well by men. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the way that I
look because of the expectations society puts on younger people and even though I am not extremely overweight, I still look at myself and see someone who has a chubby stomach and flabby arms as well as stretch marks and cellulite. Since society always pushing the idea that women should be this or that, I grew up never feeling good enough about my body or myself in general. I refuse to go to the gym because I don’t like being seen like that by other people and I hate exercising unless it’s through dancing at a club with my friends and when I am out at the club that is when i wish to be perceived. For the most part, I just want to exist in peace and not be bothered by unwanted stares of judgement and disapproval just because I don’t conform to societal standards.