Gender roles have always stood out to me my whole life. As a kid, I remember weighing out the pros and cons of being a man vs a woman in my head and I remember trying to pick which one I would want to be based on gender roles and restrictions. Even as a child, I could tell that men and women moved differently throughout the world. They each had their own set of rules, and they each had drawbacks. I saw that men were expected to do all the work, and maybe even go to war, but they were respected and paid more which I did want. I noticed women were allowed to have emotions, but they were treated like nothing basically. I found myself in a place in-between wishing I could be both. In elementary school I discovered that the word for this feeling was androgyny, and that I was an androgynous person. I wanted no strings attached to the way I act in society. I want to be respected and also allowed to be soft. I feel as if the restrictions placed on gendered individuals is almost taking a part of the human experience away from yourself.
A current day example that I experience as a she/they is having breasts. I’m sure this is a common source of gender dysphoria for many. Having breasts that bounce and move when you walk is such a waving banner that says female. When I wear tight bras or binders, I feel more comfortable. I feel like I’m able to move in the world and I shouldn’t be ashamed of how I am moving. If I am not wearing a binder and I take a hard step, I’m worried that I look like I am trying to get attention or something, but when my breasts are bound, I am free to move and not be noticed. There is a sort of shame surrounded with having breasts, and I have been fighting with that since puberty. I remember actually mourning the loss of my flat chest when I was like 12, I cried, and cried about how I wouldn’t be able to do so many things anymore. Upset that I couldn’t lie down on my stomach, I was upset that I would have to wear uncomfortable bras and be more careful in public. It was just so much of a burden. Looking back I absolutely think I would’ve had the same reaction because they’re truly are a lot of restrictions that come with having breasts and I do still miss having a flat chest.
Unruly Bodies 
Even though I identify as a woman, and as a woman who has preference for women, I find myself wanting to present more masculine sometimes. So when you describe the dysphoria that comes with having breast I completely relate. I have very large breast and many back problems so it seems impossible to even try to dress masc. I used to wear sports bra but it would hurt my breast tissue severely. It is so frustrating dealing with unrealistic standards.
I definitely relate to a lot of this post. Growing up with older brothers and sisters, I would see how boys were typically allowed to have more fun and freedom. I used to think about how I wanted to be a boy, not because I really wanted be one, but because I wanted to be free from the social constraints that come with being a woman. When I read the title, I immediately thought about how self conscious I am with my body in certain positions. Unfortunately for people who look more feminine, when we do certain acts or move our bodies in certain ways, people view us in a sexual way. Its a really gross and degrading feeling. But when men do the same things, they are not seen as trying to be promiscuous. It makes me want to scream.
As someone who identifies as a cisgender woman, I really relate to some of your struggles. Although I am comfortable with my gender identity, I’ve never felt comfortable in my body. I hit puberty earlier than most girls, and as my breasts developed, I became more and more self-conscious of them. I thought that men had it easier because their bodies aren’t subjected to criticism the same way that women are. They can dance, play sports, or move their body however they want without people having something to say about it. I know other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter, but unfortunately I’m still allowing their judgement to cloud my self-view. So you are not alone in this.
As someone who struggles with gender expression, I understand your struggle. It is hard to feel like you have to fit into one gender category or another. It’s even harder to try and break free from these gender norms because while it is liberating, it also opens your eyes to how gendered our society is! Everything we do is unfortunately interpreted through the gender binary.
I had the opposite problem to your developing breasts at twelve. As teenage boy, all I wanted was to grow up and “fill out” like my friends. However, puberty for me was very late and it was very lacklustre. I was 17 when I got pubic hair and a deepening of my voice. But, by the time I had reached 20, my penis and testicles (what I’d been waiting to see grow!) remained as small as they had been when I was 10! I later learned that a penis as small as mine falls in the micropenis category.
I guess we all have our crosses to bear: some being given what we don’t want, and others not being given what they so desperately do want.