Gender roles have always stood out to me my whole life. As a kid, I remember weighing out the pros and cons of being a man vs a woman in my head and I remember trying to pick which one I would want to be based on gender roles and restrictions. Even as a child, I could tell that men and women moved differently throughout the world. They each had their own set of rules, and they each had drawbacks. I saw that men were expected to do all the work, and maybe even go to war, but they were respected and paid more which I did want. I noticed women were allowed to have emotions, but they were treated like nothing basically. I found myself in a place in-between wishing I could be both. In elementary school I discovered that the word for this feeling was androgyny, and that I was an androgynous person. I wanted no strings attached to the way I act in society. I want to be respected and also allowed to be soft. I feel as if the restrictions placed on gendered individuals is almost taking a part of the human experience away from yourself.

A current day example that I experience as a she/they is having breasts. I’m sure this is a common source of gender dysphoria for many. Having breasts that bounce and move when you walk is such a waving banner that says female. When I wear tight bras or binders, I feel more comfortable. I feel like I’m able to move in the world and I shouldn’t be ashamed of how I am moving. If I am not wearing a binder and I take a hard step, I’m worried that I look like I am trying to get attention or something, but when my breasts are bound, I am free to move and not be noticed. There is a sort of shame surrounded with having breasts, and I have been fighting with that since puberty. I remember actually mourning the loss of my flat chest when I was like 12, I cried, and cried about how I wouldn’t be able to do so many things anymore. Upset that I couldn’t lie down on my stomach, I was upset that I would have to wear uncomfortable bras and be more careful in public. It was just so much of a burden. Looking back I absolutely think I would’ve had the same reaction because they’re truly are a lot of restrictions that come with having breasts and I do still miss having a flat chest.

What is it like living with PTSD? For me, I freeze a lot. Sometimes my body just freezes for hours at a time and I am stuck in a trance-like state doing nothing. This makes it very difficult for me to keep up with everyday life because the smallest trigger can put me in a catatonic state for hours until I feel I can move again. For example a few weeks ago I was having a completely normal day when something so unexpected and niche triggered me into taking a seat and staring at the wall for an hour and 30 minutes straight. I always eventually snap out of it and catch myself like -what am I doing?- and then I have to kind of shake it off and really motivate myself to do some work, self care, or anything really. Most days it is a big feat if I brush my teeth and take the bare minimum care of my body.

TW:

right when you’re developing social skills and learning how to move through the world, I got hit with truckloads of guilt and shame and my little 9 year old body couldn’t handle it. I went into a depression for at least six years, I never made any social media accounts, stopped inviting people over, dropped all my sports and stuff. I just isolated myself for my entire youth, as a college student finally making an Instagram and all that; I can’t help but notice how much of the world passed me by while I was stewing in the darkness. There’s a whole human experience I never got, and now I’m too old for anyone to care and I have to try and catch up with the times alone. I know this stuff sounds stupid but it’s just another thing I took away from myself. I’ve felt grown my whole life and now I just wish I could go back. There’s not really a way for people to see any of that from looking at me. They see an able bodied young person which should allow me to live my life to the fullest. In reality I feel like I have a huge weight on my mind all the time.

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The Invisible disability project defines invisible disabilities as any physical, mental, or emotional impairment that goes largely unnoticed by society.

I think society is aware of invisible disabilities such as PTSD but doesn’t really give much wiggle room for the tedious processes involved in living with/healing from trauma.
And I understand, maybe it is just that the current framework of society is solely based on productivity. In my experience, if someone isn’t able to produce and contribute something then they are valued less and often struggle without a support system.

On a lighter note this is an image that I feel my brain would look like, its a fire fortress waffle house.

Something about being used and sold like an object never leaves you. I still feel like property, I still feel like it’s my responsibility to make others happy at the expense of my own body and soul. What do I deserve? It pains me that how much I’m worth is less than a trip to the grocery store these days, like spending money on groceries just like someone would pay for a human object. Sickening. Foul. It makes me want to turn my body inside out and hose it down with boiling water and dish soap. I wish I could rip myself away from my body, let go of the somatic sensations left by ghosts. But for now I am trapped in here and learning how to live in this unruly body.

I myself do not identify as a cis woman, but I was born with female anatomy and that is still how the world perceived me. At the same time that the world was perceiving me, I was right there, taking in all of the experiences and learning from them. The perception others saw of me has been reflected back onto me. I say this meaning that I have been treated as a woman my whole life, treated as if I needed help, as if I were dumb, as if I was hysterical, and always that I was in the wrong. This perception and energy stays with me, even today. I doubt myself in every action I take, my biggest fear is taking up space, or being a burden. The gender roles are in fact deeply ingrained in my brain, and I find myself in these situations often.

(Image by the Mothership Snowboard Shop)

The other day I was in a ski supply warehouse with my partner looking to get him a snowboard. While my partner was getting his feet measured and chatting with the man who was helping us, I just sat on a bench staring at a huge wall of snowboards. More than anything, my brain wanted to touch the boards and sift through them. I could see that there were so many different types and I wanted to feel the patterns and the differences. I also wanted to find the cutest one for my partner, obviously. But I was too afraid to touch them because I know snowboards are hundreds of dollars and I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to them. I thought if I touched them I would get yelled at or someone would tell me to stop or I would immediately break something or maybe even an alarm would go off. So I just sat there for 25 minutes. Then, as my boredom was hitting peak, our friend (he/him) came in to our joint appointment. He was 25 minutes late, had never been there before, is not even a snowboarder (he ski’s) and just started feeling up the Snowboards immediately like it was his birthright. I stood there shocked, waiting for someone to yell at him. I thought surely his entitlement is about to get slapped with reality. But no, he was right. This was a place built for him and he is there using the space as he should. I am sure I could have also done this, but my conditioning in society put a huge roadblock in my path. I saw the path that I could take to fulfill my desire, but I didn’t have the mental capacity to do it.

No matter how they identify, people who grew up AFAB are instilled with a discontinuous unity. The gender roles associated with being born as a female include; weakness, empathy, staying on the sidelines, taking up as little space as possible, thinking of others before yourself, and more. Phenomenology explains how the body and the mind are the same. The experiences of growing up like this will teach a person that they do not have the capacity to achieve their highest goals. This holds women and AFAB people back from big things like advocating for themselves and little things like sifting through snowboards.
Women have an inability to transcend the way that Men in society do.