Throughout college I’ve had a recurring will-they-won’t-they relationship with a friend of a friend – nothing major, we don’t see each other too often, but we’ve flirted back and forth for a few years now – recently that relationship came to a head, and I found myself confiding in another friend of mine, while catching her up in all the drama I’ve found myself in recently during one of our once-in-a-blue-moon wine nights. As I was regaling her about my situationship, she stopped me halfway. “Wait wait wait, is this guy cis?” As I sheepishly affirmed her assumption she continued “Cause so far this guy sounds like a chaser.” Just a little embarrassed, I took another sip of wine. I had been afraid of that, but didn’t want to think too hard about it. The thought that this guy I had been talking to only wanted me to fulfill some sort of fetish, to have sex with me only for bragging rights, that my body would have been nothing more than a bucket list item for him, it was a good way of making me feel cheap, unloved, unwanted any further than through sex.
There’s a sort of pressure you feel if you’re a trans person to only date or hook up with other trans people. It makes sense honestly, how can you – as a trans person – be sure that your partner sees you the way you want to be seen? Knows and validates the struggles that you face in your day to day life? Understands the intricacies of your body outside of a cisgendered understanding of the gender binary? Acknowledges the importance of your identity without making it the entirety of your being? Date another trans person. Really it’s best to avoid cis people all together.
Some people, like my friend, are lucky and stumble into a t4t relationship almost accidentally – she and her fiance had been dating for years, before both realizing and coming out as trans to each other around the same time – others find it relatively easy to find and be with other trans people – finding a mystical Goldilocks zone where they’re able to signal to each other that they’re both trans without outing themselves to the cis crowd around them. I, on the other hand, find it to be a herculean task to find a trans partner, possibly in no small part due to – and forgive me if I’m being full of myself here – my ability to pass remarkably well as a cis man. I’ve gotten to a point in my transition where when I come out to cis people, their first reaction is to think I’m a trans woman early on in her transition, instead of a trans man with years of HRT, surgery, and social training under his belt.
While I have many friends who are trans, just by coincidence I tend to find myself hanging out and partying with cis people, drunkenly telling strangers and friends of friends that I’m trans, seeing their look of surprise, trying my best to answer their genuine questions, listening to my friends roommate – a little drunker than I meant to be that night – tell me that “Really I’m bi, but I never had the chance to try anything out before” as I vaguely register him moving his hand from my shoulder, to around my waist.
How do I know if a cis man is a chaser? Really it’s best to just avoid cis people all together.
Unruly Bodies 
The cautionary avoidance of cis people is something I absolutely relate to, especially nowadays when cisgender people’s knowledge on trans identity has a dangerous likelihood being informed by politicized figures of transgender bodies rather than embodied trans experiences themselves. And while there definitely exist cisgender people who are open and understanding of our experiences, it really doesn’t match up to the t4t experience of knowing each other’s experiences on a deeper level.
As a gender-fluid person, I completely understand where you’re coming from with feeling cautious around cis people in the dating pool – especially depending on how you present your gender identity (i.e. someone who is outside of the gender binary presenting masc, and thus being liked just because they are presenting masc – if they presented femme, they would not be liked to the same extent). The dating pool is scary enough as is without taking into account how gender, weight, even race fetishes come into play. And when you do potentially find someone, how do you know they truly see you as yourself, rather than someone to just “experiment” with, as you said? I empathize with you heavy. : /
My dream utopia is a world where cis people don’t interact with me. Since we live in a world where that isn’t feasible we’re relegated to a world of cis interactions — and with that the reality of chasers. I’ve lived plenty of years dealing with, and I’m not proud of it, seeking them out. But what never fails to hurt the most are the ones you think have genuine interest in you. And in truth, I still have a hard time differentiating between the two so when you find an answer, please let me know ♥