When the fall semester started, I was determined to go to the gym consistently and start running around my neighborhood. I started doing all this research (Tiktok rabbit holes) on what type of exercising I should do to have my body look a certain way based on my height, weight, and schedule. I looked into Pilates classes, good running shoes, and certain meals to eat.

Day 1 came in my 3 split weekly workout schedule, and I was ready. I had a list of exercises to do and a meal plan. However, that morning I started to have a bunch of anxiety. My outfit didn’t look like the cute gym clothes on social media, I had on an old family reunion T-shirt and too small leggings. I had this fear that what if I forgot how to do the exercises properly and someone looks at me and thought I was stupid or could tell that I was new to this. All these thoughts started rushing through my mind to the point where I ended up doing an at- home YouTube workout instead.

Looking back, I realize my anxiety was deeper than just exercising. It was more about how I thought other people would perceive not only my body but how I decided to move it. Social media has created an image of what someone who goes to the gym is supposed to look like, from the clothes they wear to their confidence level with using the equipment. I started comparing myself to that image before I even arrived at the gym.

This experience showed me how culture and societies expectations can shape how people view us and how we view our own bodies. My fear of being judged changed how I experienced my body and my comfortability level of exercising. The gym did not feel like a place to “better myself,” it felt like an award show where everyone was watching me. Fast forward to today, I still do have the fear and overthinking of going to the gym. But rather than not go at all I look on the app to see how busy it is before going. I’m not sure if that’s progress but at least I made it to being in the building.