Recently I had the opportunity to participate in a dance for a school organization event on campus. While this seemed exciting I was extremely hesitant as I didn’t believe that I was “built” to dance. I was very nervous going into the first practice because I knew that there was going to be a clear distinction between my size and the other girl’s size. However, I knew I wanted to participate as this is my last semester and I wanted to do something that was out of my comfort zone. The first practice went really well and I was caught off guard. All the girls that I would be dancing with were really nice and helpful when going over the dance moves. Going to these dance practices really made me feel better about myself and my body. During these practices I noticed how much work it really was to dance for even a minute straight. I became more aware of my movements and my environment in a good way. Learning to position myself in different places and finding different ways to dance to a certain lyric was very fun for me. Another thing about me is that I dislike public speaking, even presenting in class is a big barrier for me. I get really nervous and tend to mess up a lot, so cue to event day, I remember not being nervous at all when I was about to perform in front of 200+ people. I was shocked at myself too because usually I would be jittery or trying to back out at the last minute. The actual performance was a blur for me but all I know is that I did my best and I felt really good about myself. Becoming more aware of my surroundings reminded me of “As the Earth Dances” by Kimerer LaMothe “Insofar as dancing can educate people’s sensory awareness to their own movement as the movement of nature within them…” I related to this as I was very aware of my own environment during practice and during the actual performance. Overall, I am really glad I did this before I graduated and had fun doing it!

tw: ED

Ever since I was young, I was an obese kid and trust me I was reminded of it everytime. Till this day I remember stepping on the scale in 5th grade in front of my PE teacher and seeing that I weighed over 100 pounds. I was so embarrassed of this weight as I saw other girls giggling and asking each other what they weighed. I was devastated as a 5th grader that I weighed that much even though I considered myself active. I used to play kickball, tag, run around the playground, but I never looked like the other 5th graders. So, this is where my unhealthy obsession with diets started. When I went into 6th grade I started doing a military diet (ik ik how bad it is for you but it was very popular with “noticeable” results). I was consistent with it and actually lost 3 pounds, but not realizing that this was all water weight. I kept doing this military diet on and off up until 7th grade when I noticed that I wasn’t losing or gaining weight. I had lost all hope of losing weight and went into a “oh well who cares” phase and started binge eating. So, of course I gained a lot of weight. Then in 9th grade I learned about the beauty of counting calories. I thought this would be the fix to all my problems and I could eat anything I wanted as long as I tracked it and kept my calories under 1200 (ik ik this is not recommended). I kept this going up until 11th grade till I just stopped losing weight again and went back into a binge eating phase. Over those past years I have tried a good amount of diets/fast such as the water fast, watermelon diet, and keto. Nothing worked, and whenever I brought up my concerns to my pediatrician he would always say it’s all normal since you are growing (bless him). However, I wish he had started some type of intervention that wouldn’t lead me to binge eating every couple of months when I stop seeing weight loss. This cycle haunts me till this day and I honestly haven’t found a way to break it. So, when I was listening to the Maintenance Phase podcast I listened to the Ozempic topic and I was intrigued with this type of solution because it seemed like an easy fix but as I listened to the podcast more, I learned how bad it was for us.

I am tired of working. I work at a very high pace profession that requires a lot of interaction with people and walking. There are times where I have to push and slide people onto beds. This has taken a toll on my body. There was a time where I worked Monday-Sunday (I know, I am crazy for even thinking that this was a good idea) because we were very short staffed and the overtime sounded really nice. However, just because it sounded nice two weeks before the actual shift doesn’t mean it was actually worth it when I was working. After working with a person from prison to getting yelled at and cursed out by older people for moving them I was done. I was tired physically, emotionally and mentally. I didn’t want to go to work and even contemplated calling out because of how bad it got but I knew that I could push through. There were some days where I just sat in my car 30 minutes before my shift just staring into space and completely zoning out because of how much I didn’t want to go inside and interact with people. Everytime I talked to anyone I had to act happy even if I had just seen someone passed out on their bed and a code was called on them. However, I finally saw the light. That sunday night I was so tired but so happy knowing that I am done with the week and thought about how I WILL NEVER PICK UP CRAZY SHIFTS. This was definitely a learning experience for me and I don’t think that I would ever work like that again unless it is in the summer where I don’t have to worry about classwork. My job had taken such a mental toll on me that I had to ask my professors for extensions on some of the assignments because I simply could not get them done in a timely manner. Even though I needed the money, my education is worth wayyy more and I would never compromise it like that again. This reminds me of Arlie Hochschild from ‘The Concept Creep of ‘Emotional Labor’ where she said that emotional labor is “the work of managing one’s own emotions that was required by certain professions”. I related to this so much because I had to put on this fake smile everytime I interacted with people because I couldn’t show them that I was going through a tough time since they are probably going through something worse.

This topic about the gym has resurfaced my mind a lot more recently. About 2 years ago I was at my all time highest weight and when I saw that, I knew I had to change. So the first thing I did was sign up for a gym membership. However, the creeping thoughts about the gym overcame me and I lost all motivation to go. So, my sister offered to go with me and I felt at ease for a little bit.

Upon entering the gym I noticed the types of people that were working out… skinny. I thought that I didn’t belong there and dreaded going to the gym everyday. However, my sister helped gain some confidence when she told me that “no one is staring at you or anyone else because they are only there for themselves, they only care about their body and that’s it”. This definitely helped me alot and not to worry that someone is watching my every move or my body. 

However, even after having this type of semi confidence of the gym, there is still one thing that I haven’t gone near alone, the smith machine. The smith machine is just wayyy out of my comfort zone and makes me feel vulnerable. One of the main issues with this situation is that the gym I go to only has about 3-4 working smith machines so everyone is usually fighting for them. This also makes me think that they are staring at me to finish up if I was to ever go on it. Even if I do get the confidence to go on the machine alone I don’t know how to use it at all and as someone who is big it seems very intimidating to ask someone. Recently though, my best friend from high school who regularly uses the machine let me try it out without any judgment. I appreciate her a lot as she recognized my concerns and without a second thought took me and taught me how to use it. She also said “no one cares about you, they are only there for themselves”. This once again reassured me but I still have that thought of people judging my body cross my mind all the time. 

In today’s society I believe there is a set standard for how women are supposed to look which is skinny and fit. So when someone who is big tries to engage in any type of physical activity it seems like there is an awkward air around them. This reminds me of Young, “Throwing Like a Girl “ article where it says “ Women often approach a physical engagement with things with timidity, uncertainty, and hesitancy”. I related to this so much because sometimes I think and wonder to myself if my body is actually able to go to the gym. Slowly but surely I believe that I will be able to build the confidence to go to the gym alone and use any machine there without thinking that I am being stared at or if my body is made for the gym.