Sometimes I wish life was as easy as being on the internet, imagine a place where I could just pick apart every aspect of myself and remove those that I hate. It could be like an online marketplace that I scroll through “ooo”ing and “ahhh”ing at every little flaw I came across. It could be like a dating app where I swipe right and left on my best and worst qualities. I think most people would want to do the same, growing up in this current generation has been a rollercoaster, from social media platforms pushing unhealthy and unrealistic material toward young kids to not even being able to feel completely safe within our own rights as humans to not knowing if our home will last long enough. Is there a day in my life when I don’t overthink? Probably not. The internet is such a large haven, even if it’s to some questionable communities, people will usually find their own place online, places to share their interests with others or to just seek community. As I said though, there are questionable things online. It can be too easy to find alarming content, some people online can be taken advantage of so easily, and negative views and influences are able to spread so quickly and widely. With the internet being so powerful, is it becoming too cluttered with negativity and only aimed at financial gain or is it still about its people?

I wonder if I would’ve turned out differently if I wasn’t online so early in my life, it’s possible I wouldn’t feel so pressured to look and act a certain way, I wouldn’t have dealt with the weirdness of certain groups, and I wouldn’t have tainted my mind with things that honestly I had no business involving myself with. It’s not like it’s all bad though, I got to learn about different communities, and made some pretty great friends who even if I don’t talk to them anymore, I had great experiences with them. The internet also allowed me to become comfortable in my sexuality, think about it, I come from a religious family who follows the “not in my backyard” form of things. That basically just means that they’re okay with certain things as long as it’s not in their own home or family. I was in elementary school, crushing on girls while a lot of people around me in my environment and in my family were very much against the idea of gay and queer people, I had no one to talk to and no one to guide me. The internet provided that for me.

Now, yes I do blame the internet for a lot of my weird and cooky phases like the “I desperately need a snapback and big black frame glasses” phase or my “pastel pink and blue” phase but now as I’m a bit older I long for those days. I remember finding so much comfort in coming home from school and immediately going onto Youtube to watch a new video from someone I was obsessed with or just going onto a flash/browser game and probably playing a scuffed version of Flo’s diner. It gave me so much comfort and honestly, it helped me through some of my toughest times. When I was dealing with terrible mental health during all of middle school, I only truly ever felt understood by the posts I would read online and by those who were so open on the internet. I think it allowed me to cope and gave me an outlet when I felt like those closest to me wouldn’t understand. That kind of internet doesn’t seem extremely available anymore though. You have to dig to find spaces that do not become clouded with constant advertising or constant mouthfuls of hateful rhetoric but we can’t deny that those communities still existed before now, there has always been something looming, even if it wasn’t directly in your space.

During my favorite era of the internet, slurs and hateful speech were used openly, as a child I didn’t really go looking for it but when I looked back, I learned of many of these things. Rules were less strict and didn’t exactly prevent this from expanding, now platforms like Youtube have extensive and extremely strict rules, possibly so strict that many times their creators are wrongfully stripped of their channels. These rules are made in order to protect the community of watchers and creators, it also helps prepare those most susceptible, children. I think it’s great for them to protect the children, I sure do wish I had been protected from seeing things as a child but many platforms now go about it the wrong way.

The internet is changing constantly, it seems uncontrollable at this point but continuously I see people online longing for the return of the internet they got to experience when they were younger. Society is full of corporations that aim to only profit not protect the people, and that’s why so many platforms will not prevent from false ideas being spread and from misleading advertising and so many things persist and have a place to grow. As we continue to become more connected with social media and the internet, we must also push for more genuine approaches and for protection. There are so many communities online that deserve their space and platform, some people solely make their living off of the internet, think content creators and SWs. The internet is also home to those who need spaces to open up about what they feel and deal with. The internet has had both a positive and negative effect on society, from the moment of its creation but it doesn’t have to continue that way, it could possibly become a positive environment for people who seek people, information, and content of all forms. It just genuinely needs to be more for the people and instead help foster healthy change. This probably made no sense but trying to understand the internet makes no sense.

to: The Brain

subject: break?

Hey,

I’m writing this letter to tell you I want to break up. We’ve been trying for too long, when will the trying stage end? Never clearly.

We have been disagreeing for a while. Just because we don’t get along as well as we used to doesn’t mean you always have to be in the gym. Come on you’ve been doing this for too long, don’t you think we deserve a break? Of course, just like in real life, you’re unresponsive, like when you have your headphones on, completely zoned in.

This is reoccurring behavior of my brain. It’s been like this since middle school, I mean you take a few downfalls and it’s all work. Work. Work. Can’t you just move on and act like nothing happened? Yawn. You’re barely here for me because all you do is go out.

I get it. Sometimes it’s hard, with all the flashbacks and stuff. Quite frankly, sometimes I think you’re faking it for attention. I mean sure I remember some of it, but who cares? I hate this. It’s always questions and no answers with us. When I’m confused and need your help, you’re never around; all you do is try and get stronger. Do you really think it’s healthy that you’re forgetting things so easily, you can’t even remember what the task you were going to do was, or how about how you used to remember lyrics so quickly as a child and now you can’t even remember the first words correctly.

Of course, I can’t just forget the good times. I remember those moments when we actually did good on tests and remembered the things we studied or the moments when we felt happiest even while being stuck at home for months. I know you’re a “stay at home and watch Modern Family for the millionth time” type of person and I want to be out there hanging out with everyone. Still, you have to keep in mind how I’ve stayed in with you many times, crying at Phil getting emotional over “Cat’s In The Cradle” by Harry Chapin. I do enjoy doing that a lot with you, having little discussions with you, and loving that no one else will ever know.

You actually help me a lot, sometimes the flashbacks and scary thoughts are a lot I wish we could tone it down a little, but most of the time you’re very reassuring. You’re smart and give great advice to our friends when they’re in similar situations as we’ve been through. I know there are moments when you’re not so sure of yourself, you don’t want to get vulnerable and talk because it always leads to tears. “I look pathetic when I cry,” you always say. To me, you don’t. I like when you’re vulnerable but when you’re trying to distract yourself and not open up is how our problems start.

Maybe it’s because of me that you work so much. I’m reading over this letter and I’m starting to think I might be the reason. Wow, way to go self-reflection. Now, this is messed up. I promise I wasn’t trying to constrict you, I’m just really tired of constantly having to come to terms with the things that happen to me. I know you blame yourself often but you’re not to blame at all, sometimes I think it’s my own fault but you’ve taught me that that’s not true at all either. It wasn’t fair to us and it’s not fair that I keep damaging our relationship by constantly trying to shut the truth out.

I don’t want to leave you. I want to work it out and get through these difficult times together. Like we’ve always done. I want us to heal each other, learn to cope, and find peace with the past. We’re a little messed up, but hey, sometimes mushy bananas make the best smoothies.

Let me know once you get this message.

Sincerely,

the body.

I’ve been on my feet since 7am. It is currently 2:45pm. Waiting, obviously, very patiently for the clock to strike 4 so I can get out of here. Sometimes I wonder if I complain too much about working, I mean look at my mom. Sometimes, while pregnant, she works up until the day she gives birth. I don’t think I was given the bones to work for hours, I mean yeah I have some pretty strong calves from when I played Volleyball and from walking miles after I had to take a bus that left me at a farther stop from my house on multiple occasions but still all this standing is gonna bite me in the behind in a couple years.

I’m getting distracted… What was the task they asked me to do?

…

Oh yeah!

Clean the shoes and tag them. I like just being told to do a task and being left alone in one spot. Of course, that’s ruined once the customers come to check out, I get that they’re what keeps the company running but sometimes I don’t feel like a human to them. I do like this job more than my last one but I can’t help but feel drained when I come in and even more when I leave, knowing I have to come back in tomorrow. I used to work a lot more but I don’t feel like the recovery period is quick enough for me to work more days.

I think about how my coworker, who is much older than me, tells me about the back pain she deals with constantly at work, I get it. Man do I get it. I can’t lie down immediately when I get home from work because my legs will turn to jelly once I have to stand up. Anyone who does this every day of the week for even longer hours has all my respect. Honestly though, why do we even allow ourselves to be subjected to this? I’ve seen some stores where the workers have chairs and other benefits to alleviate pain and strain. Something I realized during one of my shifts was that no matter how friendly I am with my managers and bosses, I will never be seen as a human by them too. So first it’s the customers and then mix in the employers too. Makes sense though right? I mean companies don’t care if you have school, they don’t care if you’re injured, they don’t care if you’re a primary caretaker for a relative, instead, all they see is a pawn who failed to play their part, replaceable too. Why should they even care though, it’s not like my personal life affects them, if I miss a class because I had to work, it doesn’t change their life. If I miss the deadline for an important quiz because I had to work late, It doesn’t get back to them.

Since the beginning of employment history, it’s been known that employees are mistreated. I mean look at the industrial revolution, workers had little to no protection from equipment and dangerous conditions, and kids were also pushed into working in these conditions as well. Also look towards The Jungle by Upton Sinclair, a novel written in 1906 about the poor working conditions of immigrants in the United States. In his novel, Upton writes, “If we are the greatest nation the sun ever shone upon, it would seem to be mainly because we have been able to goad our wage-earners to this pitch of frenzy.”

The mistreatment of workers has become sneaky, is it really surprising when there are constant news stories about workers unionizing or going on strike because of the treatment they receive at their place of employment? Keep an eye on what companies exactly have the most complaints, you don’t really hear of LinkedIn getting bashed for being a terrible work environment, how could they when they literally host brunches for their employees and provide them warm towels to alleviate themselves. What companies come to mind? McDonald’s? Starbucks even? These are companies that barely pay their employees a living wage. Employees who can barely make ends meet, not because they’re “lazy” but because of their own physical incapabilities and other elements that constrict them. If you didn’t get a higher education, you’re not a person in the workforce, you’re just a worker. The companies that treat their employees “best” are those that require higher levels of education, certifications, and degrees. DO NOT let these little perks distract you from how a lot of companies fail to take their employees seriously too. Sexual misconduct reports are often not taken seriously, some people are required to come into work quickly after giving birth, and in most cases, mental health and disabilities are not taken seriously and employees are overworked or pressured.

Working is not bad. Wanting to have your own income is not bad. Money is important. Not all of us can afford to just drop our jobs and reject the agenda like we wish we could. The real issue is the mistreatment of our bodies, not by us, who are trying to progress in life and get by, but by those who rope us into straining and almost damaging working conditions that do not accommodate to our personal and natural struggles. It is tiring for employees to continue unionizing and grouping up to yell out their beliefs, companies need to speak to their employees and create professional but healthy relationships. Our future generations will be messed up and those who benefit from walking all over employees will continue having all the power if this system is not changed to be more productive and beneficial for all parties involved.

…

Whoops! Time for my lunch break.

My mother, to me, is a hard-working woman. Growing up, she took on very difficult tasks that forced her to grow up too fast for her body to handle. When she was back home, she took care of her family, too big to fit in one house. Hours on end making food, cleaning the house, and later on working in a dangerous factory. Those beliefs passed down from hundreds of generations, of what womanhood is was brought with her to the United States and placed upon her children.