My father is from Pakistan and immigrated to the United States when he was in his twenties. My mother is a first-generation Pakistani who was born and raised in Vancouver, British Columbia. My parents wanted to raise my brothers and I to love and embrace our heritage, and they didn’t want us to lose it growing up here. Starting from our childhood, we were immersed in South Asian culture. This includes the flavorful food, colorful clothing, and of course Bollywood films and songs. One of the most important aspects of my culture that helped me develop a deep appreciation for it is the music. Desi music is so powerful in so many ways. The songs can evoke a range of intense emotions, such as love, joy, or heartbreak. The lyrics are very well-written, and hold a poetic and deep meaning which speaks to the listener’s heart. Also, desi music definitely helped me strengthen my connection with my culture. 

Even though it played such a pivotal role in my life, I never acknowledged or represented my culture at school. I attended predominantly white schools and I was usually the only South Asian kid. As a result, I would try to blend in with everyone else as much as possible in order to prevent calling attention to my differences. I was ashamed of my ethnic features, including my curly hair, full eyebrows, and tan skin. In an attempt to be accepted by my peers, I would frequently straighten my hair and trim my eyebrows thin. It genuinely makes me so sad that I felt the need to hide my unique features which make us Desi women so beautiful. By the time I graduated high school, I decided that I wanted to regain my cultural identity and find a community in which I felt accepted for who I am. 

Coming to UMBC allowed me to meet other South Asians who share similar experiences as me. In the past, I had never been in an environment that truly made me feel understood. Since we all share similar upbringings, we are able to bond over our connection with our heritage in so many ways. The Desi events on campus unite us and allow us to create special memories while we dance to our favorite songs that we grew up loving. My ethnic features are appreciated and I don’t feel the need to change myself or my appearance to fit into my environment. At this school, I have formed so many special friendships with others who help me embrace our beautiful culture and feel proud of it.

TW: ED 

I’ve struggled with anxiety for six years now, since my freshman year of high school. It has significantly impacted all aspects of my life. In the past, I struggled with social anxiety and low self-esteem. This caused me to be very reserved and made it difficult for me to form connections with people. Throughout high school, I was known as the shy girl who never raised her hand in class and spoke very quietly during presentations. I dreaded introducing myself or hanging out with people I wasn’t familiar with. Fortunately, I overcame these struggles when I came to UMBC. I have definitely improved my social skills and gained a lot more confidence in myself.  I became very involved in clubs and frequently attended different events on campus . This helped me develop my social skills and gain experience making connections with others. Now, I can make new friends with no difficulty and show my authentic personality without any fear of being judged. 

From an academic aspect, I still let my anxiety get the best of me. I tend to overthink and ruin my own mood by imagining the worst possible scenarios. Even if I prepare for an exam and study thoroughly, I convince myself that I don’t have the knowledge or skills to perform well. Before an important exam, I often experience racing thoughts, difficulty with breathing, and feeling very uneasy/tense. Sometimes, these feelings intensify so much to the point where I feel in danger. It is hard to describe these feelings, but I feel an overwhelming sense of panic and pain in my chest. This may correlate to my self-doubt and lack of confidence, which leads me to have negative thoughts about myself and my academic potential. If I perform well on an assignment or test, I hardly acknowledge it or feel proud of myself. On the other hand, if I perform poorly, I will fixate on that one grade and allow it to destroy my confidence. I think it’s important to put things into perspective and remind myself that school is just one aspect of my life, not my entire life. I shouldn’t let a bad grade define my self-worth or cause me to doubt my capabilities. It is completely fine to make mistakes because in the end, everything will be okay and I will end up exactly where I am meant to be. 

My anxiety has also impacted my physical health and diet. When a specific event occurs in my life (conflict with a close friend, relationship issues), I experience an immense amount of anxiety and let my thoughts be consumed with the situation. I am unable to eat complete meals due to the pain in my stomach, tension in my throat, and nausea. My body craves food, yet I am unable to eat anything because if I do, I won’t be able to hold it down. The thought of swallowing food literally makes me sick. It is such a scary feeling to see yourself become increasingly skinny, yet not being able to do anything about it because you are still too anxious/sad to eat. These symptoms will usually last for around a week, depending on how long the situation takes to be resolved. 

There are many different ways in which an anxiety disorder can be managed. This includes cognitive therapy, corrective breathing techniques, mindfulness, and building self-esteem. Personally, the most effective way in which I cope with anxiety is by expressing my emotions to someone I trust. My overthinking and low self-esteem are ultimately the root causes of my anxiety, so speaking to a close friend or family member definitely helps me sort through my emotions and feel less overwhelmed. In addition, I recently started meeting with a therapist who specializes in anxiety and coping skills. At times, my anxiety makes me feel as though I have no control over anything. But with the right resources and people, I hope to overcome this journey and live a happier, healthier life.

I’m proud of my Pakistani heritage and it is a significant part of my identity. However, there are some aspects that I believe need to evolve according to our current society. A South Asian woman will constantly face judgment and pressure throughout her life. We are constantly receiving unsolicited “advice” from others in our community. If we dress in tight clothes, show too much skin, or wear too much makeup, we’re begging for male validation. What kind of respectable man would want to marry a woman like that? A woman should pursue higher education, but can’t be too successful because her husband is supposed to be the breadwinner. Women are expected to be the caretakers of the house and the family, but she also needs to have her own career, or else she’s just a lazy housewife. 

Being a brown woman means enduring physical and emotional labor while balancing responsibilities as a wife, mother, daughter, or daughter-in-law. We are always expected to let go of our own desires/goals in order to appease our husbands, families, and in-laws. My close friend recently got engaged, and is planning on pursuing a career in dentistry. Her parents fully support this decision, however her in-laws insist that she chooses a shorter career path so she can prioritize her role as a wife. My friend wants to gain approval from her in-laws, but she doesn’t want to give up on her career which she has so much passion and drive for. This is a common situation that many brown women find themselves in: balancing their goals with what other people tell them their goals should be. 

Men in our community definitely face their own struggles, but not to the same extent that we do. I wish South Asian women could freely make their own decisions and live their lives authentically without being controlled by double standards. I hope that my generation of brown women can break the cycle and let our daughters live the lives they deserve.

I have always been insecure about my appearance, and I struggle with feeling confident with my body and my face. Even though I receive many compliments on my appearance, I still don’t believe them. I constantly compare myself to other girls who I think are prettier than me, and I wonder why I can’t be as skinny or as pretty as them. I overanalyze every insecurity of mine and stress over them, even if no one else can notice them. I worry constantly about how I am perceived by others. Do people think I’m pretty? Are my insecurities as visible as I think they are? Social media has definitely amplified these negative feelings towards my self-image. It is already so difficult to feel confident in my own skin, and social media has made me struggle significantly more than before. Social media has set an unrealistic beauty standard that is nearly impossible to achieve. Filters and FaceTuning have become very popular, which only increases the harmful effects on self-confidence. On TikTok, users can even film videos using filters that completely alter their facial structure (making nose smaller, lips plumper, eyes bigger, etc.). This has such a dangerous and toxic impact, especially on younger audiences who are easily influenced. Statistics show a direct correlation between the amount of social media usage and increased depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders. Actively using social media had such a detrimental impact on my self-confidence and well-being to the point where I deactivated all of my accounts for months. Once I learned to accept myself and embrace who I am, I gradually started to use social media again. I have to keep reminding myself that social media is not real life, and I should never feel as though I have to look as perfect as everyone else appears on there. 

Something I have been trying to work on is reminding myself that another woman’s beauty does not take away from my beauty. It does not make me any less than her. Everyone has insecurities to some extent, even the prettiest girls I know do. It is completely normal and natural to feel this way because we are all humans at the end of the day. I should not feel ashamed or beat myself up for experiencing these thoughts and emotions. Another way to look at it is I should focus more on improving myself as a person because that’s what truly matters. It doesn’t matter how pretty you look if you’re a bad person deep down. Growing into a woman that I am proud to be is definitely much more fulfilling than being physically attractive. Everyday, I am learning to appreciate my beauty inside and out and truly embracing who I am.