Author: xoxo56

Music has kept me alive
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Music has kept me alive

Since I was in middle school I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety. I had to find ways to keep myself from going over the edge because sadly during that time I didn’t really feel like I had someone to talk to. Both of my parents are immigrants and if you know, you know. Mental health isn’t a very big thing to them because they grew up being told to get over things and that they’re fine. So they only passed on what they were taught, which is fine I can’t really blame them too much. That only meant that I had to figure it out on my own, so I indulged in music. Mostly Jhene Aiko, she brought me a sense of peace, the beats were soothing, her voice was calm and gentle so honestly she was my escape for a while. Since she helped me so much, whenever I would be sad or in my head I would play her music and it would help me get out of my head. A song by her that has helped me a lot is called W.A.Y.S. Which stands for “why aren’t you smiling”, this song would help me realize that although I’m sad and how I’m feeling is valid, there’s so much to be grateful for.

Now realizing how much music helps me, I try to listen to more upbeat music when I am feeling sad or anxious because it can completely change your mood and vibrations. Honestly, before i used to listen to sad music which would make me sadder. I feel like we’ve all done it before because sometimes you just want to listen to how you feel, but i realized that for me i need to try to get out of the mood as soon as possible before it gets worse. Don’t get me wrong though, i still very much enjoy my “sad” music because alot of the time i can relate to what they’re saying and going through and it’s nice to know that I’m not the only person that feels a specific way. Music can make you realize that we as humans are so much alike.

Music has such a huge influence on people, it can simply be someone’s escape and that’s what it was for me. Unfortunately i don’t have a nice singing voice so i couldn’t really “do” music. But i will always enjoy it, sing other songs, dance to it, just be free when music is on. Thats what it’s about right? Being free and being able to express yourself in a healthy way.

Hoe Phase
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Hoe Phase

Why is it that when men sleep with multiple women or have multiple partners that its empowering and applauded, but when women decide to experiment and embrace their sexuality they’re shamed? Growing up I’ve seen the different ways that sexuality has a huge double standard. But I feel like as long as both partners are being safe and considerate, why does it matter who sleeps with who? It’s not like it effects anyone else’s life other than the ones involved, but yet someone always has something to say.

Girls are always told while growing up if you have multiple partners throughout your life time that you are of lesser value then someone who has waited to save themselves for marriage or someone that has slept with only one or two people. But in reality, just because you haven’t had as much experience it doesn’t make you any different than someone who has lots of experience. Sometimes women feel the need to experiment with their bodies, just like men do. Women just want to feel pleasure, just like men do. 

This generation of young adults are completely shifting the views on sexuality and what is now considered ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable’ and it’s amazing. But let me say this, no im not promoting people to sleep around, catch unnecessary bodies and to be unsafe because there are still things to worry about such as disease and unwanted pregnancy. All im saying is stop demonizing women that also enjoy sex and don’t want commitment. There are now female artists that talk about their sex life in their music, such as Nicki Minaj, Megan the Stallion, and Sexy Redd. But it’s not just about sex, it’s about female empowerment, it’s about women being able to express what they like and what they don’t like.

2 jobs, 1 degree.
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2 jobs, 1 degree.

I honestly am exhausted. I work 6 days a week and 3 of those days I work two jobs, the other 3 I only work 1 but its only because I go to classes on those days. No one really talks about the sacrifices that need to be made if you don’t have your tuition covered or your parents can’t help you with it. Honestly I feel like half the time my body and brain want to give up on me. I never truly get a break and im constantly in front of a computer so my eyes hurt or my head hurts. Brain fog is real, especially because I’m always on the go. Sometimes I even have to sacrifice sleep because there’s just not enough time in the day. At night is when I have to focus on homework so when exactly does my body and mind have time to rest? I think im experiencing burnout. Today I actually read a tweet that said, “there’s no real way to rest away burnout, something in your daily life or schedule has to change.” and I think they’re right because no matter how much sleep I could possibly get, im still exhausted mentally. I think about what exactly I could do to change my day to day so that I feel less tired but I need both jobs to pay off the rest of my tuition that loans and scholarships didn’t cover, as well as having to pay for whatever other bills or expenses I have.

I don’t know, its just what I have to do right? That’s just life right? I don’t even want to sound like im complaining because I know there’s people out their that have less or don’t even have the opportunity to go to school, let alone two jobs. I’m grateful, I really am but im just tired. But my parents raised me to be strong, resilient, and to never give up. They came from a whole different country with nothing and were able to make a beautiful life for us. I never lacked any real necessities growing up, had a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my body. So I’m doing this so one day I can create a beautiful life for myself and bring them along with me. So they don’t have to work anymore, because if im tired then I know they’re exhausted. I guess what im saying is, I’m praying that this is all worth it in the end.

Surgery as a toddler
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Surgery as a toddler

My nephew just got surgery, he’s 1 year old. It was an extremely hard thing to experience because he is so young. He had to get surgery to remove one of his kidneys because when he was born it wasn’t functional. We prayed that it wouldn’t cause him any problems so that he wouldn’t have to undergo surgery. But of course as time passed, the problems begun to arise. His kidney began getting an infection, no amount of antibiotics would make it go away. It got to the point where he was basically on and off antibiotics his whole life. It started to effect his other kidney negatively because the infection began to spread. That’s when the doctors knew it was time to do something, we could no longer just hope and pray.

Can you imagine a baby having to undergo surgery? A baby that can barely even understand what’s going on? It broke my heart. Honestly, if it could’ve been me then I would’ve done it. It’s interesting how the body reacts to certain things, if you personally didn’t know his condition then you would’ve thought he was a happy healthy baby. He did all the things a normal baby did, he laughs, he dances, he actually just started walking! But behind closed doors his body was suffering, and there were bad days. He’s one week post-op now, he’s getting better everyday. Little bodies seem to heal faster, Probably because they’re still basically fresh out the womb. Whats crazy is that he probably will never remember what he had to go through because of how young he is, All he will have to remember this by is his little scar because it will always be on his body. He’s a tiny soldier, and that scar will be his battle scar. I’ll be happy when he is fully healed and this is all behind us.