appearance

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Weight and Pretty Privilege

As a child, my parents put me in so many athletic activities I can’t even count them on my fingers. I really enjoyed them. I would play soccer, tennis, swim, dance, gymnastics, ballet, and rock climbing all throughout my elementary and middle school years.

Read more: Weight and Pretty Privilege

Physically, I felt so good. I was in really good shape and eating healthy. It wasn’t until the age of 12 that I started noticing changes in my body, looking at my own stomach in the mirror and wondering why my body was changing. I was still pretty active until COVID hit and school was online. During this period I gained over 50 pounds and often felt insecure because I was no longer active like I used to be.

In 2021 when we went to school physically, even though my friends wouldn’t make direct comments at my weight, they would make comments like “you look so different” and so on. I felt severely insecure about my body and how I looked and felt really ashamed of myself.

While reading “Pretty Ugly, The Politics of Desire”, there was one quote: “We all run from the ugly. And the farther we run from it the more power we give beauty”. This stuck out to me because starting my senior year, I lost about half the weight I gained during COVID. I also began to wear makeup and wear better clothes to try to make myself look prettier. It did work, because people spoke to me more, treated me better, and I was getting less backhanded compliments. Inside I still felt horrible, because why couldn’t I have been treated like that when I wasn’t as “pretty”? I just feel like society places too much value on appearance.

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“Oh, but you don’t look gay”

When I tell people that I identify as a lesbian I find that I often have people make comments to me like “oh, but you don’t look gay” or “yeah, I could tell by the way you dress and carry yourself.” I have always found it very strange how people can have such different opinions and views of someone simply from the way they dress and look. It has always bothered me when people would say to me that “I don’t look gay.” What is gay supposed to look like? How am I supposed to respond to that? In this class we have discussed a lot about how our bodies are mediums and are really important for expressing ourselves to the world around us. Not everything that I do is to express that I am gay. I dress the way I do because it is comfortable and because it is what I like, not to make sure that my sexual orientation is known. Some days I wear dresses, and other days I wear jeans and boots which some would say make me look more “masculine” but I dress and carry myself the way I do because it is what is comfortable for me. Which is really important for me since it has only been recently that I have felt comfortable with my body and my style. Most people wouldn’t respond to someone who says that they are straight with “oh, you don’t look straight” so why is it believed to be okay to say it to someone who is not. Especially when people follow the statement with, “it’s a compliment that you don’t.” How a statement like that is supposed to be a complement is beyond me. I am just living my life in the most comfortable way that I can and know how to at this point.

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Yes I Am Asian and Yes I Am Cambodian

When I was young, I never really had an identity crisis. I identified as an Asian who is ethnically Cambodian. I grew up in a Cambodian household, was taught Cambodian traditions, and learned the language (Khmer). I knew who I was and I was proud of it. However as time passed, things changed very drastically for me. Continue reading →