childhood

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Growing Up Blissfully Feminine

The other day, I opened Instagram to a post by one of my grade school classmates, with whom I grew up for most of my life. They were discussing that they identify as “non-binary” and wrote a short piece describing their struggles growing up with these confusing feelings. I was happy that they were able to not only recognize how they were feeling, but also announce it to their mutuals on social media. The thing is, this story yet again reminded me that you truly never know how someone is experiencing life on a daily.

This experience in particular reminds me of Susan Stryker’s Frankenstein essay, as she explores the embodied experience of living in a gendered world that doesn’t quite fit one’s perceptions and feelings of their own identity. I can only imagine how frustrating these feelings must be, especially for a child.

I recall being in school with this person from elementary school all the way through high school. We were in the same classes, had the same friends, and even went on the same field trips together. I can still recall the time that we went on a canoeing field trip to observe the SAV (Submerged Aquatic Vegetation) in our local Chesapeake Bay, when we flipped our canoe and dumped ourselves right into the water. I always joked that we got to see the SAV “up close.”

I’ve made some good memories with this person, but until now, I hadn’t seen anything from them since high school graduation; I’d actually forgotten that I followed them on Instagram. Despite the joy that I felt knowing my old classmate had rediscovered themselves in a new way, I couldn’t help but think about all the times we spent together, while they were struggling with an internal identity crisis, and I had no idea. I absolutely loved my childhood. I’m so blessed to miss every part of growing up as a girl in the way that I did. My classmates’ post was yet another reminder of the sad truth that, ultimately, most people weren’t as blessed to have had the picture-perfect childhood that I did. I truly wish them the best with the rest of their identity journey and hope that they’ve gained some clarity and peace within themselves.

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Weight and Pretty Privilege

As a child, my parents put me in so many athletic activities I can’t even count them on my fingers. I really enjoyed them. I would play soccer, tennis, swim, dance, gymnastics, ballet, and rock climbing all throughout my elementary and middle school years.

Read more: Weight and Pretty Privilege

Physically, I felt so good. I was in really good shape and eating healthy. It wasn’t until the age of 12 that I started noticing changes in my body, looking at my own stomach in the mirror and wondering why my body was changing. I was still pretty active until COVID hit and school was online. During this period I gained over 50 pounds and often felt insecure because I was no longer active like I used to be.

In 2021 when we went to school physically, even though my friends wouldn’t make direct comments at my weight, they would make comments like “you look so different” and so on. I felt severely insecure about my body and how I looked and felt really ashamed of myself.

While reading “Pretty Ugly, The Politics of Desire”, there was one quote: “We all run from the ugly. And the farther we run from it the more power we give beauty”. This stuck out to me because starting my senior year, I lost about half the weight I gained during COVID. I also began to wear makeup and wear better clothes to try to make myself look prettier. It did work, because people spoke to me more, treated me better, and I was getting less backhanded compliments. Inside I still felt horrible, because why couldn’t I have been treated like that when I wasn’t as “pretty”? I just feel like society places too much value on appearance.

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Childhood Gender Norms

Many people have better views on gender stereotypes, but obviously we know better than to not categorize people. Growing up in a traditional immigrant household the gender norms are even more distinct. I was told to not do sports, and only do activities that were more “feminine”. I believe that while stereotypical views about gender norms are deeply embedded in our society, they often begin from childhood.

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a late night contemplation of pitbull’s discography, nostalgia, and growing old

I Feel Good Sticker by Pitbull for iOS & Android | GIPHY

Content Warning: While this post is a mostly humorous description of how music can be a very nostalgic experience, I do talk about thoughts of mortality and fear of aging, so please take note if that affects you!

Now that I’m on the brink of 20, growing old has become such a terrifying feeling…Woah woah, before you click off this post, scoffing at how someone so young could possibly be feeling something as aging so profoundly, hear me out!!  Please?  

Luckily, my joints aren’t failing me yet, but every now and then I’m struck by a sinking feeling that my childhood is coming to an end, if it hasn’t already.  A year like 2012, which feels like yesterday in my mind, was actually ages ago.  Back then, ten-year old me was distressed over some cataclysmic end of the world prophesied by an ancient Mayan calendar and ingrained into my mind by the science-fiction movie 2012.  Nine years later, I’d argue that I am living during the beginning of the end of the world: routinely chipping away at Blackboard response posts and humanities readings while my country is crumbling, my community is dying, and the climate is rapidly atrophying.  And you’re telling me that once I graduate, I’m expected to live out the rest of my days spent working for the privilege to rest and retire?  My inner child yearns for more.   

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