Why does what I’m wearing define my sexual orientation? I’m a 22-year old female, and I often change the way I dress, even on a day-to-day basis. I may feel like wearing a tight skirt, heels, make-up, and jewelry and shaving my legs on Monday. On Tuesday I might wear sweatpants and a T-shirt and throw my hair in a messy bun, and on Wednesday I may wear a baggy pair of guy’s jeans with paint stains on them, a tank top, and skater shoes but do my hair in a cute way. I enjoy dressing in any way that makes me feel comfortable, and I usually do.
But recently, I got a girlfriend, and even though I dress the same way I’ve always dressed, with my same unique style I’ve always had, I’ve heard some interesting comments, even from people that I know care about me and aren’t trying to be offensive. But if I’m dressed up (and meet society’s beauty standards) I’ll hear people say things like “Are you really a lesbian?” or “I don’t understand how you’re gay” and when I dress down, or “more like a guy” I hear “You’re such a lesbian.”
And I’m not even a lesbian! I’m bisexual!
I feel as though society often judges people as being gay or straight based on what they’re wearing. A recent conversation with my (straight, male) roommates went like this:
Roommate 1: “What are you wearing?”
Me: “Jeans.”
Roommate 2: “She has a girlfriend, she can wear what she wants.”
Roommate 1: “She’s only half-gay.”
Me: “What does that have to do with it?”
Roommate 1: “Well sometimes you dress like the straight half.”
First off, I consider myself a hundred percent gay and a hundred percent straight, and I hate it when people call me “half gay.” It’s not like I find women attractive half the time; I find attractive PEOPLE attractive ALL the time. Second, how come I can only wear “whatever I want” because I have a girlfriend? It’s not like my girlfriend dresses me. Could I wear girls’ jeans if I was a lesbian? Could I wear guys’ jeans if I was straight? Why are my roommates only saying things now? Don’t the same rules apply now as when I was single? Or am I “more gay” when I have a girlfriend?
It’s also weird to me that clothes can make you look gay (“He’s totally gay, look at his pants.” “I can’t tell if he’s gay or if he just dresses really well…” “She looks like a dyke in those pants.”) or even make you look straight (“Can you believe he’s gay? He dresses so straight!”) but I have never heard of clothes making you look bisexual. If bisexuality, homosexuality, and heterosexuality are all valid sexual orientations, why don’t our clothes make us look bisexual? Where can I buy pants that make me look like I date boys and girls?
Unruly Bodies 
Thank you for posting this! You just echoed a lot of the thoughts I’ve been having on this topic for years. Stereotyping people to have a certain sexual orientation based on what they’re wearing is ridiculous. There are so many sexualities – do we have to assign certain clothes for everyone who has them as well? What is an asexual person supposed to wear? A pansexual?
I wonder why modifying how our body appears (through simply wearing certain clothes, etc.) gets connected to sexual orientation so much in our society. Not only can bodies get sexualized, but forms of body “modification” can be as well, apparently.
I am sorry you have had to deal with such uninformed comments from your roommates! This blog post made me think about the “Boyfriend Jean” sold in many stores, such as American Eagle. To be honest, I had never really thought about the implications this name has.Calling these looser fitting jeans, the Boyfriend Jean, is perpetuating heteronormativity, while they are also justified through linking them to having a boyfriend. I can picture the higher-up, style decision-makers now… “Oh, a girl can wear looser fitting jeans as long as they seem like she just slept over her boyfriend’s house, and let’s make them kind of curve fitting too. We don’t want girls looking like they are really wearing boys’ pants. Then she would be too butch!”
As a guy, I’ve had this issue frequently. More so, however, because I am a guy who has worn blazers and jeans made for women (made obvious only by the cut or style). Personally, the idea that these clothes have a set gendered notion is difficult for me because I believe if it looks good / if it makes you happy, go for it. But often times my own choice in dress gets justified by others because I’m a gay man – why would it matter if a gay man wear women’s clothing? But it’s not even as if the clothes are inherently different – but they are constructed that way and enforced by manufacturing gender into the produce. Buttons, for example, are a way to differentiate men’s tops from women’s tops based on the side they are on. It’s difficult to deconstruct the sexuality and gender inflation that occurs here, but it’s definitely a personal advocacy.
People tend to use physical appearances in order to classify people in certain categorizes. People who do not conform to the traditional rules of dressing disrupt the notion that a physical appearance gives adequate information about a person. Basing opinions about people on their outer appearance will always be an issue.
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I am guilty of this act and reading this post I am definitely embarrassed to say I do categorize people by what they wear. I honestly cannot come up with a certain answer as to why I have this mentality but I have been thinking like this for a very long time. Thinking about this mentality I may have found a source that may have help shape my mind set; it may have started from maybe grade one when I had to differentiate a man from a woman. A man was always in pants and girls would always be in a dress; because of this distinction anything outside this norm was strange. I never saw a representation of a man in a skirt or a dress or a woman in a bow tie and guy jeans. This norm was normal and this was the way they shape my mind and by the time I maybe was old enough to understand I already had this mentality engraved. Now I understand and can make decisions on my own but I still find myself categorizing people unconsciously. I do agree that people should not be categorize by what they wear but this will continue if this distinction continues to be engraved in children minds.
Firstly, I love reading these old blog posts and seeing what has changed! Almost 10 years later, there are still these “gay” trends in fashion, yet from my perspective, they are almost embraced. For example, the cuffing of the jeans. It’s coined to be a “signal” of queerness. I feel as if in the past, people have wanted to make sure clothing is not designated to a specific sexuality, but now, people try to “dress gay” so that they will get other queer people to notice. It’s like putting out a message.