I started coming out as bisexual when I was a sophomore in high school but I was apprehensive about my identity until college. I feel more comfortable now talking about it with friends and most relatives. I am even starting to play with my style more by finally confidently shopping in the men’s section at stores. I am finally trying outfits that I have always admired others wearing such as button downs tucked into jeans or sweaters that have a more masculine aesthetic. I still have not been in a serious relationship with a man or woman (or even successfully flirt). Yet, with a growing confidence in my sexuality (and extreme loneliness) I would love to put myself out there with someone. Even if I am alone forever, I am really happy that I am growing so much. I am becoming more happy with who I am even though I still am not 100% sure who that person is. I am still unsure of what I want to do with my professional career in the long term. I have no clue where I want to live and create a life. I don’t know if I want to own a cat or a dog. I can’t tell if I like people platonically or romantically. I have gender dysmorphia and am constantly confused on my pronouns. I also don’t put in the effort to figure any of it out. I get scared and just want to stay in my bed far away from it all. This has caused so many issues but that is not why I wanted to write this post. 

I wanted to talk about my previous guilt and how I am turning that into something positive. When I was younger, I never felt like my identity was a major part of my life. I was never up to date on politics or the details of the legal issues occurring in the LGBTQ+ community. I always knew we struggled with the right to marry, adopt, and be proudly out in the workplace, but I couldn’t tell you any specifics. If it wasn’t major news and/or didn’t create protests, I did not know about it. I blamed this on the fact that I was never in a queer relationship or that it did not affect my daily life as a teenager. I have felt a lot of guilt about this and that is why I am working so much harder now to educate myself and speak up. I realized that I was ignorant to be oblivious to the political issues facing LGBTQ+ people. I have a lot of privilege facing no discrimination based on my sexual orientation because I don’t “look” queer. So I need to be aware when discrimination is happening to others and be there as an ally or voice for them. If you are a part of the community, you need to support the rest of the community.

With the confirmation of the not so honorable Judge Amy Coney Barrett, I am starting to become more aware of what is at stake. I am absolutely terrified. With finally being happy with this part of myself, I don’t want to be scared to express myself. I don’t want to fall in love with someone and have no rights to show that love to the world. Not just queer rights, but women’s rights are at severe risk. We have a high chance of losing bodily autonomy (or being incarcerated if we choose to own our body). As if there aren’t already enough issues with getting medical professionals to hear about our pain, society to accept our decisions, and employers to pay our worth. I want to make sure I am fully aware of all federal and state laws that are going to be passed these next four years. I don’t want to be oblivious anymore. Not just because the laws affect me, but also those I love and admire. They are going to affect every single minority in this country and no one should have to fight their fight alone. I also need to be an educated ally and advocate. If you don’t understand what you are fighting for, you can only be so effective. And I feel like this year advocating has been called “trendy” and I do not want to be perceived that way. I don’t want to go through phases of being an ally. It is a full time commitment that I am dedicated to. It is something I will constantly work at. I want to be present and I want to stand up. I think this is helping in my confidence. I have felt so much better about myself this year when I stand up for causes. I feel happy when I see others around me showing support for the same causes I care about. I hope I can find out a little bit more about myself along the way.